How should I deal with the requests to earn her back? I get the feeling that she jut wants me around to cook and clean and take care of the kids so she can go and do her own thing.... Matching this against me being selfish for wanting to workout or see friends is making me wonder.
We have just eaten dinner, and she spoke to me about our R (I just listened). She said that what he wants at the minute is a perfect father for our kids and an attentive husband, who is secure enough not to worry where she is or who she is with. She also then said that although she wants me to sleep in our be together, she can't ever imagine wanting sex with me again.
She has taken complete charge of the R and is treating you like a hired hand. She wants to keep you as cook and bottle washer. She wants you to be the best possible father for her children......b/c she wants to be able to do her own thing and not worry about things at home, or feel any guilt over the kids. If she has their "wonderful" father caring for them, then it releases her from parental responsibilities.
What jumps out to me in what you've said, is she has not made any commitments to the M. She is telling you what you have to do to "earn" her back. And for good measure, she tells you she can't imagine ever having sex with you again. That is the biggest red flag of all.
For her, the M is over. She is done being your W. It doesn't "bother" her to sleep in the same bed.......but you better not touch her or expect any sex.......ever! You see, some women can share a bed with a man for many years and it doesn't give her any desire to have sex with him. She is telling you it's over.
I think when you start making improvements in your looks, and start venturing out to get a life, she will not be happy about it. There use to be an old saying that came from some men. They said they would keep the wife barefooted and pregnant. It was their way to keep her in the home raising his children, and barefooted showed her dependency on him. Obviously, that was before women's liberation! In a sense, your W is trying to keep you in that dependent state to keep you in the home...... attending her needs (minus the sexual stuff). The traditional roles in your M have been reversed. You are the pregnant W who is barefooted and has to stay home. You are the built-in babysitter, cook, and housekeeper.
When she sees you losing weight and making new friends, she sees it as a threat. Even though she detests the man you 've become....there is that selfish part of her (the WAW in an A) who wants to keep you a prisoner in the home. Not for her pleasure, but to fill the shoes of parent & housekeeper.. Do you see what I'm saying? It is like turning back the clock and seeing how it use to be when a W was totally dependent on the H. You have even taken on the emotions of a desperate woman. You are crying, begging, clinging, etc. those are the same emotions of a helpless female.
Men and women are wired differently. Man sees his role as being the provider and protector of his family. That includes his wife. He provide for her and protects her. Many, many men throw so much of their time into their jobs b/c they believe that is how he takes good care of his family. There seems to be a lot of confusion these days over the roles in a relationship and the home. The danger I see when the man is a stay at home parent is it pushes her into the position of provider & protector. It puts him in a place of dependency on her. Now, even if it was a mutual agreement that he stays home with the kids while she goes to work.....many couples are faced with that emotional conflict b/c there seems to be something that feels unnatural for the female to be the primary provider and protector of the male. She can do it for her children with no problem, but it doesn't include the H. That's where the rub comes in. That is the big difference between the two, and it may go all the way back to the beginning of time. Just b/c women cry out for equal rights with men, doesn't mean they are made up like men. Some things we just can't change.
Let me inject this to be clear. If there is a physical problem that prevents a man from working, a lot of women can convert to that role without major problems. But if the man is home b/c he is without a job (agreed or not), IMHO, it will be a matter of time until the woman will begin to feel a certain level of disrespect toward him as a man. He may be a terrific father to the kids, and she may appreciate that part. But, it is not her nature to be his protector & provider. It will begin to show up in various ways. Like, she starts finding fault with his housekeeping, etc. Her libido drops. She loses attraction for him b/c somewhere deep down, she has lost respect for him as a man.
I advise you to work even harder at reclaiming your role as the man and leader of your family. Stop telling her what you are trying to do! It only goes against you. It is like showing the opposing team your plan. She is not going to work "with" you to save the M. She is throwing a few crumbs just to keep your hope alive. Telling you she will end the A, but can't stop seeing him, and he's her friend, blah.....blah....blah. Look, she is the wayward spouse here! She is talking about you earning her back? See how she has turned it around to put all the blame on you? She is not repentant of her A. She feels justified!
You get a personal plan of action by deciding what is best for you as a man. You set goals that will get your self-confidence in gear. Take back your independence. Getting your drivers license is a must!
You don't discuss your plan of action with your W. You can't tell her how you are working to improve yourself. She doesn't even want to hear it. You just give her more ammunition. Besides, You are not asking for her permission. Get it? You have to enter this plan knowing you will not have her support. But once she begins seeing the man she fell in love with....then she will start to feel a little respect, but in the mean time, she will fight you all the way. You can't reason with a WAW.
You can come here to discuss our plan of action. You can get your support here. You can vent your frustrations here.
It is going to be your biggest battle to step into independent shoes. But you must!
What are you doing to overcome your addiction to video games, etc.? What are you doing about other self-defeating behaviors?
You can find a lot of self help on the Internet. It's not as good as face,to face counseling, but better than nothing. I have heard a book suggested a lot on here. It's called Co-dependency No More (I think). Check it out. Also, read about self-defeating behavior.
So, keep your focus on your plan/goals.........not her. Every time you put your focus on her, you will get more confused?
Did I answer your question?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
