melissa - gotta get back to me

[25yearsmlc]

I don't know how to do any of this.

I do accept that my H wants to get divorced. I accept that it's a fact. I get it.

And I am so f-ing hurt by it. And I don't know how to stop that.

It's too Hard "to stop that". But it's not as hard to let time pass, and then, the feelings of pain lessen.

I feel like I can't have compassion for my H anymore. I don't even feel like I can be nice to him. Because all he does is take, take, take. It leaves me feeling completely used and taken advantage of.


I had so much compassion for him. I really did. And I reached out to him with everything I had, to try to support him and make him feel loved. I took ownership of everything I did wrong in the M. I shelved my own feelings/needs/wants in order to concentrate on his.

Melissa, this^^^ has nothing to do with YOU. Now, just read that last sentence again...I believe when you accept that you are not responsible for how HE reacts to anything You do or say, which is not easy but is true, then you'll stop "harping" on this^^^^ stuff.

Mel, It's just not relevant. Seriously. Think like a lawyer for a minute. How much "irrelevant" evidence do we like?

I sat there, and I took more than my share of responsibility in telling my kids he was leaving. I comforted him when he felt badly about it.

yikes, you did? You comforted him? How? Geez, well that's going a bit far for me...


I completely let him off the hook for anything he did (in the M or since BD) that hurt me. I could go on, but you get the idea.

except you did not let him off the hook. I don't even know what that sentence means Melissa. SURE, you were supportive, to his face and all, but you know, and we know, and maybe MAYBE he knows, that he's leaving his family, just like his dad did. Just doing it with more contact with his kids, so far...

And what did he do? He led me on and used me. He told me a bunch of BS that he now disavows (about being really hopeful about us and seeing if we can fix things, etc.), he kept wanting to spend time with me and ML.

this is ^^^ confusion, mixed in with conflict avoidance, guilt, and some other mixed emotions on his end. I doubt (and you cannot prove) that he was using you. Plus, why spin everything in the most negative way?

It does not protect you. It makes you more angry and victimized, and it may not even be accurate. Shake it off.

I am a complete idiot and made it even worse on myself this afternoon. H texted me and said, "so just so I can stop speculating, how did you view my match profile?"

Maybe I am overreacting, but wow, that really hurt. I tried to deflect the question but he persisted. He REALLY wanted to know. Lord only knows what he was thinking in his head.

what? Maybe he was thinking you were snooping and he didn't like that...
OR are you interpreting it, as him actually asking for your opinion?

IN which case if it were me, (and once I had picked my jaw off the floor), I'd say "since 1/3 of people posting on match.com are actually still married, I thought it looked like one of those...why do you ask?"

So I, very stupidly, I know, texted back something to the effect of "do you have any clue what it feels like to find out that your spouse is looking for women online and using pictures of your children in his profile, and what is important to you is how I found out?" (I also, ugh, threw some words back in his face, from when he told me that he wasn't going to be dating.)

WHY WHY WHY am I so dumb?

He came back with,

I told you that our relationship was over. I told you that this was not a trial separation - that our marriage was over. I fvcked up by sleeping with you afterwards. I acknowledge that and I apologize for it. I should have controlled myself better. I'm also sorry that it hurts that I am interested in other women. I really am. I would prefer that it didn't. But I spent a really long time in our relationship feeling like crap about myself because of the way you treated me. And the fact that there are now women who not only do not reject me constantly, but are actually interested in me, feels really good and I'm not going to apologize for that.

Ugh.

I get it. I hurt him. I really feel badly about it.

[/i]"I fvcked up by sleeping with you afterwards"??

Do I deserve that?


well, that part of this was an actual apology from him. Not an "if IT hurt you" but an admission that HE screwed up. Take that for what it is, which I think is sincere. And again, why see it negatively when it's at least ambiguous? Don't make this worse for yourself than it already is.

This is why I feel like I don't even want to speak to him. Ever. Because he doesn't give a sh!t about me or my feelings. Not even a TINY bit. He just does whatever he wants, with complete disregard for how it might affect me. [i]That's not how my friends treat me.

we get that.

He sent me that hateful email the other night, then turned around and did a complete 180 the next day, like nothing happened. As if it's OK to talk to me like that.

HE does NOT think he did anything wrong! So it's not like he thinks he spoke badly to you.

Did I miss something, or are we discussing what is in this thread?

I am overwhelmed with the thought that I have to deal with him for THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I don't know how to stop being hurt by him. How am I in control of that?

[banging head against a wall]

By GAL, which leads to DETACHING, which leads to LETTING GO, which leads to

NOT being so hurt by him. In time, indifference will replace your pain and then a calm "thank God we are Not m anymore..."

b/c Melissa, when you stop revising the m (doing the opposite but analogous thing HE is doing, which is revising the whole m. HE is making it a total nightmare and you are acting as if it simply needed tweaking...neither is really accurate. A major paradigm shift was needed.

That has now happened.

IN TIME, (at a minimum, 3-6 months) as you back off and STOP telling him when You feel hurt, which cannot make him feel relaxed at all around you, he will begin to see YOU and the m, more accurately.

What are you doing to show him that YOU are moving forward?

What about being UPBEAT around him? Yeah, I know you said you did that. You believe it did not help you. But telling him when you feel hurt is achieving what?

You SAY you felt better getting it off your chest, but overall I don't see you feeling as if it was worth it. Not with the result being HIS continued cluelessness, combined with your goal of showing him that you are a woman only a fool would leave.

And that OTHER MEN will not reject YOU either.

Maybe you need to ask him for HIS input into your profile. You know, since you find other men attractive and all...