melissa - gotta get back to me

[keep_going]

I don't know how to stop being hurt by him. How am I in control of that?

Let me see if I can help you connect the dots on this one.

You cannot control HIM and what he tells you, but you can control what YOU do. You could have chosen to not answer.
You chose to engage in the conversation with him about the online profile....

When people talk about going dark for everything expect kid-related things, this is the reason why...
When people mention boundaries, this is why. YOU can chose what types of interactions you have with him. He can choose to act selfishly, and you can choose how you react.

FWIW, my H also posted a photo of my 2-yr. old daughter on match...A photo I took of them... He then substituted with a photo I took of him on a really special family trip. So I KNOW how much it hurts.

My H said to me exactly what yours told you today, almost word by word. The whole paragraph where he says "I told you our R was over, etc." My H said that to me repeatedly. You know why? Because I kept poking the bear...
So he felt the need to keep repeating what I was not hearing (and accepting...)
That he was done and was looking elsewhere for what he was not finding in our M.

Did it hurt when he said such things? - LIKE NOTHING EVER DID.

The key is that you can CHOOSE to interpret it as "I don't want you, it's your fault" or you can choose to hear "I am unhappy with my life and am looking for my happiness."

Those are two very diff. perspectives on the same paragraph. In one, you are a victim and you are taking his pain and issues and making them yours (codependency). On the other one, you let go of him and his issues and realize it's not about you.

That is the empathy I am talking about...

It's not easy not to take it personally. You know how I know? Because I chose to do so for two years, which make me so miserable.

I feel we have A LOT in common and know exactly what you are going through. I spent over TWO YEARS spinning my wheels because I remained stuck, repeating like a broken record how hurt I was, how unfair this was, how selfish my H was...

If I had changed my internal discourse sooner, and really put in practice all the advice I was given and small practical steps I could have followed to help myself heal, I probably would have found detachment sooner. I (and everyone else here) so wish I could help you heal sooner, but we can't. We all have to grieve at our own pace and go through our process and live it in our own skin.

All we can do here is offer support and try to give you some practical advice that worked for us on how to get you through the day and try to overcome the dark space you are in.

I also know a lot of what people are telling you now won't sink in now... But for a lot of us, some things stuck somewhere in the back of our minds (or our threads) and eventually clicked. I know that I did learn to understand what people were telling me later in my process. But I was stuck in victimhood mode for a long, long time...

You have so many people rooting for you and giving you great, great advice... But it's up to you to choose what applies to you and when and what type of help you get. We have no control over that.

In the meantime, all we can do is continue cheering you and and wishing you healing and light in your life.

(((((((melissa)))))))