melissa - gotta get back to me

[melissag]

I don't know how to do any of this.

I do accept that my H wants to get divorced. I accept that it's a fact. I get it.

And I am so f-ing hurt by it. And I don't know how to stop that.

I feel like I can't have compassion for my H anymore. I don't even feel like I can be nice to him. Because all he does is take, take, take. It leaves me feeling completely used and taken advantage of.

I had so much compassion for him. I really did. And I reached out to him with everything I had, to try to support him and make him feel loved. I took ownership of everything I did wrong in the M. I shelved my own feelings/needs/wants in order to concentrate on his. I sat there, and I took more than my share of responsibility in telling my kids he was leaving. I comforted him when he felt badly about it. I completely let him off the hook for anything he did (in the M or since BD) that hurt me. I could go on, but you get the idea.

And what did he do? He led me on and used me. He told me a bunch of BS that he now disavows (about being really hopeful about us and seeing if we can fix things, etc.), he kept wanting to spend time with me and ML.

I am a complete idiot and made it even worse on myself this afternoon. H texted me and said, "so just so I can stop speculating, how did you view my match profile?"

Maybe I am overreacting, but wow, that really hurt. I tried to deflect the question but he persisted. He REALLY wanted to know. Lord only knows what he was thinking in his head.

So I, very stupidly, I know, texted back something to the effect of "do you have any clue what it feels like to find out that your spouse is looking for women online and using pictures of your children in his profile, and what is important to you is how I found out?" (I also, ugh, threw some words back in his face, from when he told me that he wasn't going to be dating.)

WHY WHY WHY am I so dumb?

He came back with,

I told you that our relationship was over. I told you that this was not a trial separation - that our marriage was over. I fvcked up by sleeping with you afterwards. I acknowledge that and I apologize for it. I should have controlled myself better. I'm also sorry that it hurts that I am interested in other women. I really am. I would prefer that it didn't. But I spent a really long time in our relationship feeling like crap about myself because of the way you treated me. And the fact that there are now women who not only do not reject me constantly, but are actually interested in me, feels really good and I'm not going to apologize for that.

Ugh.

I get it. I hurt him. I really feel badly about it.

[/i]"I fvcked up by sleeping with you afterwards"??

Do I deserve that?

This is why I feel like I don't even want to speak to him. Ever. Because he doesn't give a sh!t about me or my feelings. Not even a TINY bit. He just does whatever he wants, with complete disregard for how it might affect me. [i]That's not how my friends treat me.

He sent me that hateful email the other night, then turned around and did a complete 180 the next day, like nothing happened. As if it's OK to talk to me like that.

I am overwhelmed with the thought that I have to deal with him for THE REST OF MY LIFE.

I don't know how to stop being hurt by him. How am I in control of that?

[banging head against a wall]