LFC, I read your initial post a few days ago, so forgive me if I mess up some of the details. This right here:
Quote:
Right now i'm trying to be the best man I can possibly be regardless.
is what you need to be doing.
Forget about how much of the blame belongs to your W. Yes, it takes two people to wreck a M, but you are the only one of the two who is here trying to fix things.
As a W who was in a SSM, I can tell you that your W most likely withheld sex because her emotional needs were not being met, and she did not feel emotionally safe in the M. Did she tell you what the problem was? Did you hear the same complaints come up again and again?
Nobody knows whether it is too late to save your M.
Honestly, I am sometimes amazed following the threads on this board, which Ms have a chance for R, and which don't. There really is no signal that will tell you where you will end up.
That's why you need to focus on you - look at yourself, I mean REALLY look at yourself in the mirror, and change what you need to, for YOU. Not for her, but for you to be the person you want to be. Most of us realize that somewhere along the way, we became someone other than ourselves, and/or we realize that some parts of ourselves are not really who we want to be.
Also, I want to say that I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling. It's no fun at all being an LBS, especially after some years of rough times, and wanting to work things out when the other doesn't.
Keep posting, and hang in there.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
25yearsmlc I just read your second post, I don't see how I could've missed it the first time.
Let me elaborate some more on what I said.
I didn't start to become detached because of no sex. I started becoming detached because no matter what I tried before DR, my wife spoke in no uncertain terms how she's miserable and wants a divorce. So I try the LRT and that means detachment, not being mean, cold and cruel, if anything that's what she is to me sometimes. She says she wants to leave but her actions say otherwise. It's been two years since her declaration and she still didn't save for the filing of papers. That was very frustrating to me. It was like, you can be my husband to support me, put food on the table, put a roof over my head, pay my health insurance, BUT you cant be my lover. That's like having your cake and eating it too. She has no responsibilities except to put herself in a position to get the divorce she wants so much, but to this day she has done nothing except restate she doesn't love me anymore. Can you see why I feel i'm being used?
Through the years i've always offered affection without the promise of sex but I was always rejected. Back rubs, foot rubs, cuddling watching TV was always met with thanx but no thanx. For sex I even offered to try and please her with no thought to me. That's ultimately what I want. To be able to give my wife pleasure. She always refused. ALWAYS. I didn't understand it.
Yes, when I tried to address the issues it ended up complaining about my misery. To this I say, yes I was miserable, yes she was one of the reasons I was miserable, yes she owns up to the fact that she was part of the misery that ended up as depression, but instead of doing anything about it she'll just cut and run and not try and fix the problem together. I thought this was for better or for worse not for better and when things get tough i'm outta here.
By reading DR and M/V I realized that I came at the problem from the wrong angle. How are we supposed to know how to deal with this lovingly? We had no role models! My parents divorced when I was 15. My mother remarried 2x and was divorced another 2x. My father has a girlfriend since i was 16 but never committed to her. She finally picked up and went to N.C. but they still keep a long distance relationship and it doesn't bother him in the least. My wifes' mother and father separated when she was very young. She was taken from her mother and put in foster homes and finally ended up with her mother again only to join the military to get away from her. She comes back and her first relationship was an abusive one. She sneaked out on him to be with me. Not cheated just left cold turkey when he wasn't home.
If I knew back then what I know right now!
What I would do different? A few things.
1. Listen to her without criticizing 2. Validate her feelings 3. More date nights 4. Learn to deal with my anger differently 5. Start holding hands again 6. Improve my sexual technique 7. More flowers just because 8. STOP BEING CRITICAL 9. STOP BEING CYNICAL AND PESSIMISTIC
That's just off the top of my head.
When I said "EVERYONE" who knows my situation, I meant personally the ones who had to "live" with me for these years. They are the ones who say it's over. Not these boards. My mother said it too even though she respected my efforts to try everything I can.
I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP BUT I DON'T WANT TO BLOODY MYSELF BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST AN IMMOVABLE AND UNBREAKABLE WALL!
Me 43 W 43 S 10 (Special Needs) M: 14 yrs T: 18 yrs Bomb: 09/16/12 Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
Okay, i'm feeling immensely frustrated these past 2 days.
Yesterday we were shopping and we came up short and I asked if she could put some of her money in. I owed her $50 and suggested I could give her $30 and the other $20 we could put into the groceries. Since I was footing the entire bill I thought this might be fair but she refused. She said she needed the entire $50 to make a credit card payment. I knew she already made one.
The reason I owed her money was because my car broke down. It was the only one in the family so it crippled us. I needed to fix it but I was broke. She had the money on her credit card so I asked if we could use it and I would pay her back in $50 monthly payments. She would make her regular payment then add the $50 essentially making it a double payment. Thing is she is the one always driving the car. She was driving my cars the last 4x they broke down. She should be culpable for some of the expense but I didn't force that on her.
That's why I thought she might sacrifice some of it to help with the groceries. When she refused I made a judgmental comment about the money I was giving her. She started biting my head off right at the cash register where I said calmly "let's talk about it outside". I immediately realized I fell off the horse and became frustrated even more.
When we got in the car I immediately apologized for the comment and said I was completely out of line. She said I shouldn't be mad at her because she showed her feelings. I said she had every right to feel the way she felt and it was left at that.
This morning she still was cold even though I wished her good morning and invited her to bagel breakfast. She accepted but still showed attitude. In M/V it said that men need to feel appreciated and I soooooo don't feel that at all.
I love my wife but I doubt how long I can do this
Me 43 W 43 S 10 (Special Needs) M: 14 yrs T: 18 yrs Bomb: 09/16/12 Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
You said you doubt how long you can do this. Do what? I'm sorry but I don't get it.
What is different in your r now, that was not already happening the past 10 years?
The "Fight" you two had last night sounds resolved. Sure you apologized. Getting over something is not going to be immediate. Even when I sincerely accept my h's apologies about something, usually, I'm not instantly "fine".
Real forgiveness is a process. Takes time. OR are you upset AT her for not agreeing with you in the first place and for arguing? So is it You who needs to let go and move on, or her, or both?
It also sounds as if finances are an issue for your m too. Not just the sexual aspects.
Last, I'm getting some mixed messages from you. At one point you wrote: We shared tiny kisses but when my sexual needs weren't being met I rejected and was cold to those kisses. Now they are taken away and I would do anything to have them back. It's true when they say you don't know what you got till it's gone.
When I asked you about this^^, you denied it. But you also wrote: You know, even though I was angry, hurt, depressed, and irritable, when ever I snapped at my wife (because I was feeling bitter and resentful especially because she acted numb to the problems we had) I thought I was being respectful by never calling her names, or doubting her intelligence, or intentionally saying hurtful things. What I learned is the way I questioned and my tone of voice said the same things I didn't say with actual words.
It's hard to admit some of the acts we do or things we say, let alone when we see it in writing, b/c then it's like a big confession.
But if it is true and needs to be changed, denying it prolongs YOUR pain, and hers...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
BELOW is what else you wrote that seems to conflict with the ^^ prior comments.
I didn't start to become detached because of no sex. I started becoming detached because no matter what I tried before DR, my wife spoke in no uncertain terms how she's miserable and wants a divorce. So I try the LRT and that means detachment, not being mean, cold and cruel, if anything that's what she is to me sometimes. She says she wants to leave but her actions say otherwise.
It's been two years since her declaration and she still didn't save for the filing of papers. That was very frustrating to me. It was like, you can be my husband to support me, put food on the table, put a roof over my head, pay my health insurance, BUT you cant be my lover. That's like having your cake and eating it too. She has no responsibilities except to put herself in a position to get the divorce she wants so much, but to this day she has done nothing except restate she doesn't love me anymore. Can you see why I feel i'm being used?
Not so much... is your wife doing most of the housework, cooking and childcare? How much work does your special needs son, require?
And her troubled pregnancy, does that mean she cannot or should not have more children?
If so, do you see the connection between her feelings of not being "woman enough to bear healthy/additional children", and feelings of being attractive?
B/c it directly relates to a woman's libido, b/c if we do not feel attractive or secure, we are rarely interested in intimacy.
Anything strike you as relevant, here?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Not so much... is your wife doing most of the housework, cooking and childcare? How much work does your special needs son, require?
My wife is not big on housework and my son needs as much as any normal 10 year old, at least at home. He's very high functioning. So are you equating some home cooking, most times, cancels out my complete support daily even though she don't want anything to do with me intimately as a husband?
If so, do you see the connection between her feelings of not being "woman enough to bear healthy/additional children", and feelings of being attractive? B/c it directly relates to a woman's libido, b/c if we do not feel attractive or secure, we are rarely interested in intimacy.
I did not think of this. It's very possible. She can bear children though, with some infertility treatments and supplements. She is probably burdened with ceserean sections for life though.
Me 43 W 43 S 10 (Special Needs) M: 14 yrs T: 18 yrs Bomb: 09/16/12 Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
You said you doubt how long you can do this. Do what? I'm sorry but I don't get it.
Tolerate the situation. I try to be detached and DB'ing with the Last Resort Tech. Sometimes the anti-depressants don't help. Some days are better than others.
What is different in your r now, that was not already happening the past 10 years?
Let's see... I have a firm declaration of an intent to divorce, I'm sleeping on the couch, I'm not snuggling in the bedroom, I have to fib to my son about why i'm on the couch, I can't share a small kiss in the morning, I can't call her honey or babe, I got back problems and prostate problems, I don't have any hope that I can be intimate with her again. Not just sexual. That's just off the top of my head.
Real forgiveness is a process. Takes time. OR are you upset AT her for not agreeing with you in the first place and for arguing? So is it You who needs to let go and move on, or her, or both?
She always said I held grudges. I didn't think so, but I admit during arguments I do bring up past things so maybe I did. That's nothing compared to what she does when we could have 5-6 months of peace and I would try to get close again. She would refuse. I would get frustrated then angry then she would add another 7-8 months to my no-intimacy "sentence". It was something my head said I would never pay that debt in full but my heart held out hope.
[b]It also sounds as if finances are an issue for your m too. Not just the sexual aspects.[/b]
She want's her independence but she hardly works. Of course it's an issue. It really wasn't an issue when she wanted to be my wife. The sexual stuff has been going on a lot longer than the financial stuff.
We shared tiny kisses but when my sexual needs weren't being met I rejected and was cold to those kisses. Now they are taken away and I would do anything to have them back. It's true when they say you don't know what you got till it's gone.
When I asked you about this^^, you denied it. But you also wrote:
I rejected the kisses mentally not outwardly. It was frustrating, when I wanted even a small kiss goodbye as I went to work, she never offered her lips, just a forehead or cheek. In turn this is how my son showed affection to other family members. The grandmas wondered why he never kissed with his lips and only offered foreheads and cheeks. It was because he observed his mother and father.
It's hard to admit some of the acts we do or things we say, let alone when we see it in writing, b/c then it's like a big confession.
But if it is true and needs to be changed, denying it prolongs YOUR pain, and hers...
I'm confused are you acknowledging my realization of all that I did wrong or are you saying i'm still in denial?
Me 43 W 43 S 10 (Special Needs) M: 14 yrs T: 18 yrs Bomb: 09/16/12 Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
