WANT TO COAST ON FLAT LAND

[Ambivalent]

I know there is pain inside of me. I've been burying it with activities. I am having a trust issue. I don't know if I'll ever get over it. I've had it since my first boyfriend, then my dad's cheating, and now this breach of trust after so many years.

I'm a wounded bird , but refuse to let it keep me from others. I just don't know if I will ever be whole. There are lots of sweet men, and those that are seeking connection. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to completely give of myself again.

To allow myself true vulnerability, to roll on my back and expose myself.

There is a part that wants to so badly, and NO I do not want to wait and see. I have so much life to live and while I'm healthy, ambulatory, and within my faculties, I don't wish to postpone what I would do anyway!

Physically I feel pretty awesome, I met my goal weight. 50lbs down! My bloodwork is all good, next will be mammogram, pap, and colonoscopy. I figure get 'em done before the possibility of being off of insurance.

I got several sweet texts yesterday. Three from very different men. And I just met another, he is in Africa for a few more months. Which is good. You cannot rush anything from THAT distance, HA!

I have noticed many our age, seek intimacy quickly. I believe it is because we know what it was like to have that connection. To make that eye contact, feel that soft stroke, and the stirring of our loins. We know that man was not meant to be alone, and that physical touch is not only sexual, but spiritual as well.

Still working on me, healing, and allowing someone to touch me, my heart.