melissa - gotta get back to me

[keep_going]

He thinks that is what he is doing. And he just keeps repeating the story. The kids are fine. The kids will be happier if I am happier. My parents got divorced and I turned out fine. You will be happier. We will all be happier.

Change your perspective - from a place of anger to a place of empathy and compassion.
Can you imagine just how much pain he is going through internally and how trapped and unhappy he felt in the M to think that D IS a better option?
(From what you have described with your own words, it doesn't sound like you were actually that happy in your M either, so why not accept that his unhappiness reached the point of him giving up).

The difference is that you want to change the marriage and he wants out of it... Not what you want, but the truth is that both perspectives are valid.

Your complaint above shows that you have not reached acceptance of your current situation yet. The sooner you ACCEPT that today, right now, he wants out because that is the only solution he sees, the sooner you will stop spinning. I am NOT saying that you need to agree, but acceptance will only help YOUR emotional well-being. Perhaps his perspective will change again some day, but for today this is where he is.

I think that holding onto anger, as a general rule, is not helpful. But...

Think about Bug's words about anger and yours ^^^^^ for a few days...You might surprise yourself with what you come up with.

So the only way I can figure out to reject his sh!t, even when I am seeing him as the guy I thought he was, is to remind myself constantly of the sh!t he is serving. That is hurt and anger right there. I guess I view it, in a way, as protective.

Again - you can choose to change your focus and perspective from him to you.
You don't need to reject his sh!t. That is his to carry...
You can focus on your behavior and your life and making the best of it and being grateful and happy and stop looking at his actions and what he may or may not be thinking. You can also calmly set healthy boundaries for yourself so that when his actions hurt you or you kids.

You don't need anger for that...

M - you have a whole weekend for yourself. What about not just pampering yourself externally, but pampering your soul?

Turn the focus back on you.

a) on what you can fix

- Go back to your threads and identify the things you have recognized as needing to change - your controlling tendecies, co-dependency, resentment, avoidance, lack of boundaries, whatever it is that you have already seen in you...
- Make a written list of them.
- Come up with examples of how these behaviors materialize in daily life and ALL your relationships (after all, DBing is about US and how we can be better in ALL our R).
- Make a list of possible solutions and ways to approach these weaknesses and fixing them
- Write examples of how and when you have been successful in doing so

b) on becoming a happier, healthier you

- Smile at everyone you encounter today
- Become present in everything you do today. If you are eating, concentrate on each bite and savoring the deliciousness. If you are working out, give it your 100% until you reach sheer exhaustion.
- When you talk to people, look them in the eye and really listen to what they say. Try to put yourself in their shoes and focus on their lives and their situations.

- Become a more grateful person
- write down everything you are grateful for today
- start with the small things (the smell of coffee or freshly-cut grass, the feeling of sun in your skin, the beauty of flowers, your favorite food
- then move on to big things - waking up in a warm bed, in a house that not only doesn't leak, but that is comfortable and spacious, your health and that of your kids,
- the fact that regardless of the outcome of your D, you will be taken care of financially (read around - there are many, many who's outcomes here have not been that good),
- the fact that no matter what, your life is better than probably 98% of the world's population,
- the fact that you have a career and can take care of yourself and your family,
- the fact that you are intelligent, caring and strong enough to face this situation and try to make the best of it...

etc.

- GAL - get out of your comfort zone. The more you do new things, the more you will NOT think about your H, his words or his actions. (I wish 25 would come and post her list of GAL activities when her H separated... her attitude and strength in just getting out of her comfort zone - THAT is true GAL...)

- Make a list of new places and activities you can do with your kids to build new memories. They don't need to include spending, but it sounds like you are fortunate enough to be able to plan trips and things like that. Be grateful and take advantage of it!

- Re-define what family is. Right now, it's not you, H and kids... Perhaps it's you, kids and extended family or friends that are as close as family. Or perhaps it's just you and kids - for now...


And finally, I will give you a challenge. You post here a few times a day... Can you make sure that at least ONE of your daily posts does not mention your H at all? Then make that two a day. If you find it hard, try to not post every day. Perhaps take some time off the boards. Go out and live in real life more...
Can you do that?

I guarantee that if you tackle just a few of the above on a consistent basis, you will focus less on H, detach faster and be overall happier with your life NOW, TODAY...

Isn't it great to have that power? YOU ARE IN CONTROL (if you want to...)

Make this a great, great weekend!

((((((((melissa))))))))