I felt good that I had said something. And, I'll just be honest, I hoped it made him think.
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Was there a shift within you as you said these words to H?
I felt like I was being less of a doormat and being more of myself.
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What did you take from H's response to your request?
His initial response? "I'll take care of that and I am sorry that hurt you"? I took it as robotic and emotionless. Like it was part of a script. Something he was supposed to say to be the person he wants to be.
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He texted you afterward...he seemed to shift as well.
I thought about that, but I think that the shift started on Wednesday after he met with his lawyer. Nothing happened with me between the time he sent me a nasty, accusatory email, and the time he emailed me all friendly and then came to TKD and acted like we were best friends. So I think that his response yesterday was part of the shift that had occurred on Wednesday, which, as far as I can tell, had nothing to do with me.
I spent several months working really hard and watching his responses, keeping a journal, etc. And it really seemed like things were going well - my H still wanted to hang out with me, we were ML, everything was friendly, he was saying things that made me hopeful. But then he dumped a bag of bricks on my head, and he made sure to say, "nothing has changed, I don't want to be married."
So that pretty much made me tear up my journal and light it on fire. Because what that told me was that none of what I was doing or saying was changing anything . . . my H was just doing whatever he felt like doing at the time. It was all about him and had nothing to do with me (aside from the fact that I went along with it).
In the first six weeks of DBing, I really saw a huge change. We agreed that our R was the best it had ever been. (Note that my emotional needs were still not being met - so maybe my H just thought it was great because I was everything he ever wanted, and he had to do nothing in return.) That all changed after H moved out.
I really thought that BDing would be the most H could ever hurt me. But I was wrong. It just keeps getting worse.
And I feel like, when I try to be kind and compassionate and look for the positive, my H just shoves me farther into the sewer.
As I was thinking about this stuff earlier, I realized that I am still thinking about H, and how he feels, and what he thinks, way too much.
I need to pick a path for ME and stick to it. I just don't have any clear direction right now.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
