melissa - gotta get back to me

[melissag]

This is mind reading, but I imagine someone (probably his lawyer) told my H to be nice to me.

Whatever the reason, don't worry. I'm not reading anything good into anything. I will just continue to operate on the assumption that everything H does is somehow self-serving. It's hard and it hurts, but it's what I have to do.

Don't feel bad about my yoga class! It was fine! I got a private lesson.

[paul19510]

This is mind reading, but I imagine someone (probably his lawyer) told my H to be nice to me.

Whatever the reason, don't worry. I'm not reading anything good into anything. I will just continue to operate on the assumption that everything H does is somehow self-serving. It's hard and it hurts, but it's what I have to do.

Don't feel bad about my yoga class! It was fine! I got a private lesson.

I am glad you had a good night. You gave flowers to someone..even if they thought it was "interesting" that you did it. And the instructor was apparently the other person without a date if you count being at yoga as being dateless . s and I are sharing a bed. D gets her own. They argued over who had to bunk with dad. Lol. After sleeping alone for a year. Now it seemsmy s is my first bunk mate. Lol. YOU DID IT. YOU MADE IG A GREAT NIGHT ANYWAY. That's got to feel good. Keep going. Tonight...get Wendy's. Sprlurge. Have a great day M. I sense great things for you in the near future. I hope you will too someday soon

[juliegayle]

Hey Melissa just caught up on a few days of posts. Every thing I thought as I read has been said already. I actually thought the private yoga sounded great. And the woman you have the flowers to may have seemed weird in the moment but I bet she gets a big smile when she looks at them. I am sure many of us on this board understand the power of a simple act of kindness. Have a great weekend and stay busy.

[labug]

Melissa, I was shaking when I first started setting boundaries with my H. It all came back to me as I was reading. I've faced down raging professional but didn't want set a limit with my H, who had moved out. Crazy, isn't it?

Did you thank H for taking down the profile? Did you thank him for the text, not effusively just, thanks, I appreciate that.

Is saying thanks a 180 for you? It was for me.

How would this have gone when the 2 of you were still together? I can say for me, I never thanked my H for doing things that I felt were expected or part of the normal business of the household. You have your job, you do it. Did you get thanked or praised for doing "expected" things as a child? Chores, good grades, etc.

Saying thanks is not engaging him.

[labug]

Oh and maybe yo should keep a solutions journal separate from this. (not here) It's easy to forget the things that work and fall back into our old ways.

I will just continue to operate on the assumption that everything H does is somehow self-serving. It's hard and it hurts, but it's what I have to do.

You've done this kind of judging in the last couple of posts. Think about why you do that and has this been how you are post-conflict with your H? You can appreciate his acts without getting on the roller-coaster. That's detachment.

We can focus on the bad or we can focus on the good. We usually find what we're looking for.

I'd also like to see a post where you don't denigrate yourself. Again, where does that harsh judge come from. You have to kill that voice in you head to move forward.

Love the story about the flowers. I think we talked about this in the beginning but have you thought any more about doing really hands on volunteering?

I'm seeing ligth! You're doing great, girl.

[labug]

Hint: the judge voice doesn't belong 100% to your H.

[melissag]

Thanks, Bug . . . you always make me feel better when you share your stories.

I was thinking that last night . . . I told H off many times during our M without batting an eyelash. Why am I such a wimp about it now?

I didn't answer the text about the profile, but after he sent the arrival text I said thanks.

I wouldn't say saying thanks is a 180 for me. (Though I acknowledge I didn't often thank him for going to work every day, or that sort of thing.) I said thank you a lot during our M, but my H would often complain that he felt unappreciated. According to him, me saying thank you wasn't enough - he thought that if he was nice most of the time, I should not complain when he wasn't. So, if I complained about him not being nice, or not doing something, or whatever, that wiped out me saying thank you for whatever he did do.

Saying thanks is not engaging him.

I'm not so worried about engaging him. It's more like, I don't want to give him more fuel for the "I'm so great and honorable" story in his head. And I don't want him to think that I buy into his Mr. Nice BS.

I'm glad you brought this up, because I see that by not saying thank you (i.e., for taking down his online dating profile), I am once again trying to control him.

[labug]

Sweetie, telling some one off (tenderbox) and setting boundaries are 2 very different things. In telling someone off you're acting strictly on emotion and attempting to make them responsible for your feelings. "If you didn't do X, I wouldn't have to be angry/telling you off."

Boundaries are you taking responsibility for you and should be done without strong emotion, allowing your higher brain to work. There's no "juice" to propel you forward. It's also a pact you make with yourself because you respect your needs. When we've denied our needs for so long, it's scary to suddenly take a stand.

Did the "telling off" help you or hurt you?

It's more like, I don't want to give him more fuel for the "I'm so great and honorable" story in his head. And I don't want him to think that I buy into his Mr. Nice BS.

You're created a paper tiger to fight. How do you know what story is in his head?

As long as you remain angry with him, you keep the focus off you. I'm not saying anger is bad an you have reason to be angry but does holding on to it help you? And if so, how?

When one person changes, the R changes. It may not happen in a week or a month or 6 months or a year but it will happen (unless one of you is certifiable). It may not mean you get back together as H & W but you are bound for the rest of your lives, no matter what. Create something good.

What do you have to lose by being open? Let go of the fear.

Beginner's mind.

[melissag]

arrrggghhh. Why am I regressing so far this past week?

Bug, thanks for your posts. I didn't express myself clearly in that post - I didn't mean that I was telling H off yesterday. I do see the difference.

How do you know what story is in his head?

Because he told me. Honor and integrity.

How do you divorce someone who loves you and is willing to go to the ends of the earth to work things out, especially when you have two innocent children, with honor and integrity?

He thinks that is what he is doing. And he just keeps repeating the story. The kids are fine. The kids will be happier if I am happier. My parents got divorced and I turned out fine. You will be happier. We will all be happier.

As long as you remain angry with him, you keep the focus off you. I'm not saying anger is bad an you have reason to be angry but does holding on to it help you? And if so, how?

I think that holding onto anger, as a general rule, is not helpful. But at the moment, I think it is the only way to avoid getting sucked back in. My H is, outwardly, a very nice, charming person. And it's like 3boyz said recently - when I look at him, I don't see the person who is hurting me. I see the man who cried at our wedding.

But I have learned that when I treat my H like that guy, I get crapped on. If I sit down at his table, he serves me sh!t and offers me seconds. So the only way I can figure out to reject his sh!t, even when I am seeing him as the guy I thought he was, is to remind myself constantly of the sh!t he is serving. That is hurt and anger right there. I guess I view it, in a way, as protective.

I got a lot of crap going through my head today. Thanks, bug, for giving me some things to mull over. I think I need to turn some things over in my head, and have a while to just not even think about any of this stuff, before I can start to figure things out.

Right now I just feel like a jumbled, confused mess.

[Wonka]

"H, I have a request of you. I would like you to please take down the photos of our children from your online dating profile. I don't feel comfortable having their photos on the internet for anyone to see. And, I would like you to please remove any photos that were taken by me. I feel, for myself and our children, very hurt and disrespected that you would use photos I took for memories of our special family moments in this way."

(I was literally shaking when I said this. WTF is wrong with me??)

How did you feel about this afterward?

Was there a shift within you as you said these words to H?

What did you take from H's response to your request?

He texted you afterward...he seemed to shift as well.

Focus on those things instead of what an ASS he is...remember the butterfly effect, M.