melissa - gotta get back to me

[melissag]

arrrggghhh. Why am I regressing so far this past week?

Bug, thanks for your posts. I didn't express myself clearly in that post - I didn't mean that I was telling H off yesterday. I do see the difference.

How do you know what story is in his head?

Because he told me. Honor and integrity.

How do you divorce someone who loves you and is willing to go to the ends of the earth to work things out, especially when you have two innocent children, with honor and integrity?

He thinks that is what he is doing. And he just keeps repeating the story. The kids are fine. The kids will be happier if I am happier. My parents got divorced and I turned out fine. You will be happier. We will all be happier.

As long as you remain angry with him, you keep the focus off you. I'm not saying anger is bad an you have reason to be angry but does holding on to it help you? And if so, how?

I think that holding onto anger, as a general rule, is not helpful. But at the moment, I think it is the only way to avoid getting sucked back in. My H is, outwardly, a very nice, charming person. And it's like 3boyz said recently - when I look at him, I don't see the person who is hurting me. I see the man who cried at our wedding.

But I have learned that when I treat my H like that guy, I get crapped on. If I sit down at his table, he serves me sh!t and offers me seconds. So the only way I can figure out to reject his sh!t, even when I am seeing him as the guy I thought he was, is to remind myself constantly of the sh!t he is serving. That is hurt and anger right there. I guess I view it, in a way, as protective.

I got a lot of crap going through my head today. Thanks, bug, for giving me some things to mull over. I think I need to turn some things over in my head, and have a while to just not even think about any of this stuff, before I can start to figure things out.

Right now I just feel like a jumbled, confused mess.