Life's a Picnic

[keep_going]

Hi my dear friend,


I am sorry to come and read that you are struggling lately...
I can totally relate to what you are feeling and going through now....

You are so right about the expectations .,so right.

I think it's just human for you to have gotten your hopes up when you saw some positive behaviors from your H... Yet that's a result from keeping your focus on him, on what he says and what he does... His actions still affecting your emotions and behavior - can you see this as still codependent?

You also know that when we keep the focus on them, we remain stuck and POWERLESS.

And you are right - I do want. To be the best dad for them too. He is not ready to be that man.

Do you recognize your need to control here? You cannot make him be anything or do anything. His R with his kids is his only, not yours to fix. You have to find acceptance in the fact that he is not going to be the father you want him to be - because at least for now (and the last couple of years), it has not been what you would like. And perhaps it never will... What if that is the case? Will you live the rest of your life letting his R with your kids affect you?

Your kids are watching and they are very perceptive. They sense your sadness and disappointment. They are already struggling and perhaps subconsciously they are feeding off from the vibe they might be getting from you. IDK...

I need to be my absolute best for the kids. I can't so that when I let my heart be heavy.

This ^^^^^ is the answer and where ALL your focus should be.
By just accepting what is today, by GALing and living in the present - really, really focusing in the present and all the good you have, you will be the best FOR YOU and therefore, for your kids.

I know part of my current struggle is also that I am lonely. Day in and day out over the years raising the kids, growing from this sitch , and no one to share my life with, to support my kids with, it's hitting me harder these days. I very been making an effort to see friends when I can to counter the feelings. But sometimes , you know, I just want someone to watch tv with. I feel that is so far away.

Busting, my dear, dear friend. I also feel lonely. We both have been at this for so long. I tell myself that this is part of the grieving process... So when these feelings invade me, I go back to asking myself the hard questions:

Is this loneliness affecting me to the point of wanting to change things?
I am getting closer to deciding closing the door - but is it time yet?

I have read that people don't change their circumstances until the rewards of change outweigh the pain of continuing with the status quo...

And that is the hard question for those standing - am I ready to change because my pain is just too much that I cannot continue with my current course of action?

Only you can answer that.
But it's important to keep asking ourselves, because that is what taking care of YOU means... To make sure that you are acting in a way that will make you happy.
Only you will know if standing is still worth it.

And in that self-reflection it's important to really, really ask ourselves what are we really standing for:
- For the return of the man our husband currently is, or the idealized version that we made in our minds.
- Is it even possible for that version we remember (or want) to ever come back after all this time and all that has happened?
- Did that version ever exist?
- Or are we standing for the notion of "the intact family" that we always dreamed of?

The more time passes, the more I question these things...
Because like you, at the end of the day I want (AND DESERVE) to be in a loving, healthy R with someone. I think I have learned enough from this life lesson to offer a much healthier version of me for my next R.
And I deserve someone to love me 100% and someone that will treat me like #1 and someone who shares my same goals in a R.
(And I am not sure anymore that my H will ever be able to offer me that anymore even if he ever came back...)

And so when you get down and sad and lonely, ask yourself - Is my current course of action, and all this pain worth it?

If the answer is still "yes"
then take a deep breathe,
dig deeper,
accept what is,
get your focus back on making the best of your CURRENT life
and make yourself happy.

If the answer is "not anymore"
then it's time to make a change.

Either way, TAKE CONTROL of your situation and make yourself (and your kids) happy with what your life is TODAY.
((((((((((((((busting)))))))))))))