So the W said that she would give me time to "fix what I have broken". She won't get involved and has no confidence in me pulling it off. There is no timescale - just as long as she cares to wait.
She said that she will not do anything to actively damage our R / M any further. However, she is acting like a total b*tch while saying all this.
She said she will distance get self from EA OM. She works with him, away from home 2-3 day a week. Not ideal, I know. She told him face to face today that she wanted him to back off and he was causing her confusion at an already confused time. He said ok - and then they texted for 6 hours.
I told her that this isn't either of them backing off and she snapped that she needs a friend and he is the only one she can talk to. She said that she could never talk to me like that (we used to have the most amazing talks but its like she can't remember).
She can't go NC with OM even if she wanted to as they are involved in some very high stakes business together. Great eh?
I tried to discuss all this with her. She said that I was pushing, and everything I do weakens my position. I know this but cant seem to help myself. She said she is here and at te minute that is the best I can hope for.
I need to stick to the 37 rules (hard), 180 like hell and continue to GAL. She needs to see some visual changes.
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
So now im being selfish working on myself (fitness, planning to see friends etc)
I can't win.
just something to think about. If you get to a placw where you feel good and have something to offer how is that bad? Don't beleieve all the stuff you hear. Also, she wants to blame you for her affair? Of course we each have a role we play in our problems. But st the end of thr day, she is responsible for her own choices. She made this choice. Each of you interwcted in ways thst got you here. Each of you can interact in ways to get you ojt.
You cant truly move forward witb her if that's what she wants with OM in tbe picture. If she's interested in R she will do what is needed from her side to accomplish that.
Continue to get healthy and become your best self. There is no harm in that.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Paul has nailed it....Work on the things you control: Which is only yourself. Change for yourself.....Find a better you for yourself....address your 180's for yourself...
Everything else will fall as it may, but you will find a better place for yourself mentally and physically.
Also worth noting that our partners friends or fsmily who are used to us , may start to protest when thdy see changes. We are not acting like the person they are used to. This does not mean the chsnges are bad. They just wwnt a dynamic with us that is familiar. Even it it was an unhealthy one. Understand?
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
It started well - talking about family and the children. Me learning to drive and starting my new job.
Then it changed and she started to get distant. I pushed, and she went into the bedroom saying she needed space. I followed and an all out row erupted culminating in her threatening to leave with the kids and the kicking me out.
4 hours in the rain later and she told me to come home. She engaged me in talks about R and M.
She wants me to earn her back. She wants me to be the best example of a husband ever. She was heartbroken that I hadn't made any effort for valentines day.
I'm feeling a bit lot for words. It all goes against what I thought I needed to do. She thinks that working on myself will take me away from her more and that I am just creating a better me for the next woman in my life.
I don't know what to do. I am broken and I need to fix myself. Our marriage as it was is over. But it's like she is asking me to fix it. What do I do?
Comments welcome!
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
Well I am concerned for you! Not only can I see how unattractive you may be to your WAW, but you even hate how you are now. Setting the physical aside for a minute and just looking at your mental attitude, it seems you need to receive professional counseling.......or a huge kick in the rear. I have to say that I am surprised she is still there. But then I suppose you take care of the home and kids?
Did you say you had suffered with depression for 20 yrs but had never sought help? Have you figured out that some of these things just don't work themselves out? I'm glad to hear you got a prescription, and if you do not begin to notice some relief within the first month, don't give up. A lot of doctors start with the smallest dosage, and sometimes we just need it increased. I used to think it wasn't helping and would stop taking it. Big mistake! Does your doctor know to the extent of your depression? Some men don't like to discuss it with their doctor.
I hope you will seek counseling for yourself. MC will not help at this point, but you need IC. There are a lot of problems that you have apart from the MR, but it certainly affected the M. Your goal is to fix yourself first.
You are very dependent on your W, and your lack of self-confidence causes you to need more reassurance from her. It puts both of you in a bad place b/c she sees you being clingy & needy.........which she hates, and will show it in her reaction. You need to deal with that issue in yourself ASAP. Are you reading any material regarding co-dependency?
It will be very difficult for you to detach from your WAW until you can began to heal yourself. The good news is, a lot can be changed in a short period of time. I am talking about YOU, not her and not the MR. All your focus must be taken off your W. And if you really knew how she felt about being around you.......I think you would back away from her instead of trying to wrap your arms & legs around tighter. I promise you the tighter you hold.....the further you push her.
The WAW who is in an A, wants to be free of the H and everything attached to him. EVERYTHING is pressure to her. You cannot believe how self-defeating it can be whenever you try to talk to her about what you think she is really feeling........what you think she needs to do........how you are willing to forgive her......and what your needs are. That is one of the reasons she wants space from you, she doesn't want to deal with you. This is the nature of the WAW.
My suggestion is to put distance between you, while you are trying to detach. Be sure you understand what relationship detaching really is. Google it. It is not you being mean or cold to her. It is about attitude. Find something to keep you busy when she's home. Don't make contacts with her when she's not home.
What does the doctor say about your sex-sleep problem?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I haven't mentioned the sleep sex to the dr. A couple of close friends know. It has never been a problem in past relationships but I can obviously see how it can be devastating when it happens at times like this.
I know I am clingy and needy. I always have been. I'm not sure I know any other way to be.
I do need IC, but my GP won't refer me as he say I am too unwell for it t the minute (damn the NHS!).
I am very co dependent, I am working on my confidence and independence. As I am no longer a naturally confident person when I try to act confident I come across as cocky and an assh*le.
How should I deal with the requests to earn her back? I get the feeling that she jut wants me around to cook and clean and take care of the kids so she can go and do her own thing.... Matching this against me being selfish for wanting to workout or see friends is making me wonder.
We have just eaten dinner, and she spoke to me about our R (I just listened). She said that what he wants at the minute is a perfect father for our kids and an attentive husband, who is secure enough not to worry where she is or who she is with. She also then said that although she wants me to sleep in our be together, she can't ever imagine wanting sex with me again.
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
I will detach as much as I possibly can. I can see that I have built a toxic relationship and I need to detach as much for my own sanity as hers.
I will not chase her - I won't text or call first unless it is absolutely necessary (ie child related)
I have started the diet, lost 30lbs already and will be starting the gym with a new friend shortly.
I am learning to drive to increase my own independence
The biggest 180 is I have interviewed and been successful in getting a new job with a tech start up as their sales director.
I will turn myself around. Even if it is too late I will be great. If I can't keep her as my wife, I will be the kind I man she is proud to have children with.
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
I agree very much with Sandi....You have a lot of work that you need to do on yourself...for yourself.
As for IC....Can you pay for it yourself?
Confidence that is viewed as c@cky and a@@hole'ish is just a sham....seen right through easily by anybody. You will get proper confidence in time.
While your wife is in affair lala land.....I think what she is getting at is what Sandi and I are also seeing. You have been living in depression co-dependency land for a LONG time. For you to fix that is going to take time and a lot of work....on yourself. I would shelf anything wife or marriage related in your mind and just focus on you.
"How should I deal with the requests to earn her back? I get the feeling that she jut wants me around to cook and clean and take care of the kids so she can go and do her own thing.... Matching this against me being selfish for wanting to workout or see friends is making me wonder."
Don't see your behavior as selfish, but see it as necessary. One thing you need to understand is that codependency is a two person thing. At times, while you work on yourself, your wife will react negatively to it. She is used to your old behaviors and too a certain point expects it. As you change, you will actually become unfamiliar to her. So when she has outburst about your changes....welcome her criticism as it is proof your changes for you are working for you.
