melissa - gotta get back to me

[labug]

Sweetie, telling some one off (tenderbox) and setting boundaries are 2 very different things. In telling someone off you're acting strictly on emotion and attempting to make them responsible for your feelings. "If you didn't do X, I wouldn't have to be angry/telling you off."

Boundaries are you taking responsibility for you and should be done without strong emotion, allowing your higher brain to work. There's no "juice" to propel you forward. It's also a pact you make with yourself because you respect your needs. When we've denied our needs for so long, it's scary to suddenly take a stand.

Did the "telling off" help you or hurt you?

It's more like, I don't want to give him more fuel for the "I'm so great and honorable" story in his head. And I don't want him to think that I buy into his Mr. Nice BS.

You're created a paper tiger to fight. How do you know what story is in his head?

As long as you remain angry with him, you keep the focus off you. I'm not saying anger is bad an you have reason to be angry but does holding on to it help you? And if so, how?

When one person changes, the R changes. It may not happen in a week or a month or 6 months or a year but it will happen (unless one of you is certifiable). It may not mean you get back together as H & W but you are bound for the rest of your lives, no matter what. Create something good.

What do you have to lose by being open? Let go of the fear.

Beginner's mind.