melissa - gotta get back to me

[melissag]

About your ammo thing. Are you at a point where it doesn't matter to you what he thinks or wanting to keep the peace? Even if you act in the most appropriate way he will still find fault in what you're saying. If you want to keep the peace you will swallow up whatever bs he throws at you(not the most appropriate way to handle things because it can lead to frustration from taking all his bs). Which one are you more like right now?

That's a great question. I am still kind of trying to figure that out. I think it's some of each. I have pretty much accepted that he does not want to be M to me, and that he is so incredibly self centered right now that nothing I say to him will really be heard. In fact, it is more likely to give him something to twist around to make himself look/feel better, potentially attacking me in the process.

I'm definitely done with trying to be nice for the purpose of trying to make him come back. It's more just not bitching about things because it's utterly useless.

I do want to keep the peace for two reasons:

(1) I don't want to spend zillions of dollars on lawyers; and
(2) I think that it is much easier on the children (who are already the undeserving victims of all of this) if their parents get along.
And I will add (3), which is that we have been friends for a long time, and I think somewhere under all that a$$hole-ness right now, there is the same guy I've known for 17+ years. The thought of being enemies makes me feel really sad.

That said, I need to protect myself emotionally, because he has pretty much annihilated me over the course of the M and especially over the past 4-5 months. I just can't let myself get sucked in by him again, so I think I need to keep my distance, remind myself I cannot trust him, and try to detach. So, we cannot be friends.

And on the topic of emotional needs, obviously I am not expecting him to meet any of mine anymore (I almost laughed out loud just typing that), but if he is doing something that is actively hurting me or my children (like this match photo thing), then I will certainly say something, regardless of what I think his reaction might be.

I'm not sure whether that answered your question, or if I said waaayyyy more than you were looking for.

As an aside . . . I gave the kids the packing list that H sent. My S7 immediately noticed that Dad forgot to put underwear on the list. I asked if there was aaaaaaaanything else missing, and after a few minutes they figured out PJS too. As we were waiting for H to show up, it occurred to me that they didn't bring toothbrushes and D9 didn't bring a hair brush, but I figured oh well, I am sure they can stop at a drugstore, or my in laws will probably have stuff they can use.

OK. Adrenaline finally leaving body. I am going to make my massage appointment, eat some dinner and go to yoga tonight. Gotta get myself in a more relaxed mode for the weekend!!