She left - My Story, First Post

[HopefulStill]

Gray, Chapmen and Harley. The latter was the easiest for me to identify with. The needs that they explain are more specific than the ones that you have identified- I'd look at their explanations to see what may be lacking.

Do some reading and see what resonates for your situation. Good way to spend Valentine's day!

Hs

[gogofo]

Is there a list of recommended books to read? I could not find one on the forum anywhere.

Here is my list of the books that I have read.

Started with John Gray when I thought it was just a communication issue.
- Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
- Why Mars & Venus Collide
- Mars and Venus Starting Over
- What You Can Feel You Can Heal

Then went to other books about repairing issues in marriages:
- Divorce Remedy - by Michele Weiner-Davis
- I Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You - by Andrew G. Marshall
- Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late - by Dr. Gary Smally and Deborah Smally

Still reading
- Getting Back Together - by Bettie Young, PhD & EdD and Masa Goetz, PhD

Next on the reading list is:
-The 5 Love Languages - by Gary Chapman

I find it good that the DR and most of the other books about repairing or saving marriages all have some of the same methods. A couple even sighted the DR. The methods must produce results.

[25yearsmlc]

I think DB produces results. I don't know the stats but I'm one of them. I can say, with utter certainty, I'd be divorced if I had not had my DB coach or this site. Period.

But when you read all those books, it's easy to confuse the strategies and approaches. IF their approaches are truly similar, then great, it's no biggie.

But MANY of those writers/books are NOT similar to DBing. So You may have to choose ONE approach only, b/c how can you measure results or monitor if you are mixing it up?

Just bear that in mind, but otherwise I think you're doing some good work.

Keep making it about YOUR WORK and stay in your sandbox. Why?

B/C
1) you only control YOU, so all your efforts at "fixing" her, will backfire;

and

2) it's not your job to fix her. It's your job to support her and be YOUR best self;

and

3) Finally, Your w is not here trying to save the m. You are. So nothing about what she has to do, or should do, or might do,

is relevant HERE. Make sense?

Keep at it!

[gogofo]

The MIL kind of pulled a fast one yesterday. I called them and went to there house to deliver sausages and had a glass of wine and sat and talked to her and my FIL for a while. All of the sudden the MIL says "oops the W is here, is that a problem?" I say no, it will be fine.

The W had no idea I was there either and her mom did not tell her. I think the MIL thought she could "trick" us into having and evening with each other, which was nice thought on her part, but far from what happened.

W comes in with kids and I was going to stay and eat some dinner when after about 45 minutes she asks to talk to me in the garage.

She is upset and pissed because I was there and she thought I was doing it to hurt her etc. She is made because she I never would have just hung out on a Saturday at her parents house. She was very emotional.

I just remained calm and told her that I wanted to deliver sausages and have a chat with her parents because I had not seen them in 2 months. Told her that I understand why she would be upset, but it had nothing to do with her. I didn't let her emotions pull me into an argument or ruin my evening.

I told her I would leave if she was feeling uncomfortable, and calmly left their house.

I think the 180s and my GAL are working as I am feeling better about my decisions and what I am doing. I remained calm and did not participate in a fight or get overly emotional. I told her I can understand how she is upset, but my actions had nothing to do with her; which was the truth.

She sent me text later apologizing for her emotional outburst, but I went along with my planned evening and had a great time.

The detachment part has been hard, but after yesterday I think I am farther along into it than I thought I was.

[gogofo]

I need to keep reminding myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint. This even applies to my emotions and working through them.

Even though I have made progress in my detachment, I still have a ways to go. When I talk and think about our situation I continue to believe that she will be back.

Is holding onto hope like this something I need to work through?

I assume that I should not be thinking/feeling this about our marriage because I cannot control the W and I should not be reading into her feelings.

I think I am telling myself a lie when I feel this hope for us. I have noticed even around the house certain things I won't change because I keep thinking "she will be back". These are just minor things.

Who is to know if the W will want to work on our M. I need to lovingly detach so I will be okay with me and my feelings regardless of the outcome from our S.

When reviewing my thread and the book I noticed that most of my 180s are all focused on fixing me to fix relationship issues. I need to work on fixing me to fix me, not just to try and repair the M.

Can there be an issue of working too hard on things? I get overly committed and involved in things I care about. I think I keep reading and working so hard that I am replacing my commitment at work with my commitment to work on me saving my M.

I need to 180 this and realize I cannot control the pace of progress. Unfortunately even though I know it is not the truth; I feel like every decision I make is life or death and that I need to be working on this constantly.

I need to learn to accept failures and setbacks and understand that I am not perfect, no one is.

[gogofo]

I need suggestions on how to deal with stress. I started yoga at nights and exercising which works a little bit, but want some other options. Maybe something to do in my office when I get overwhelmed.

The problem is my job is still really stressful and with what is going on with the S, it just adds to it.

In previous times I would talk about my work and my stress with the W.

Over the last half year I internalized my stress, become basically depressed and unemotional, which was a big cause in our separation. Now my stress coping skills are gone.

The only vocal outlet that I have is my parents because they understand what is going on with my M and the W and I. It helps but it is just not the same as when I could talk with my loving W about it. They are getting older and are happy to emotionally support me, but they are worried about the W and I and our kids. And I worry about the stress on them.

It is hard to blow off steam when I had possibly cost a client $5 million dollars and had an empty house to return too. That was 6 weeks ago, but my stress still boils over every now and then.

[Buddy]

Hi Gogofo
I wanted to do respond to you as your situation reminds me a lot of my own. My WAW left in December 2012 though, so I’ve had more time.

I think you’re facing this very well and seeking support from a healthy place. Keep doing that. I haven't written much on this site, but I’ve read it a lot and am inspired and helped by the messages of the vets. I’m very grateful that people like 25, MrBond, Labug and Sandi2 exist in this world and are so generous.

In response to your last post:
- There is always hope. I can’t think of any situation that is hopeless. Holding on to hope isn’t wrong and, even if we don’t get what we think we want, I don’t believe it’s desirable to work towards being cynical or dismissive of hopefulness. So we work because we are hopeful and we trust in positive thinking.
- A great revelation for people who like to control things is that while we can’t control other people we can control how we respond to any situation presented to us & it’s best (including for us) to respond constructively and with love/kindness. I see this akin to physical fitness and like going for a run, it takes time to get fitter & you can allow yourself to be lazy and regress too. A patient response is very difficult, but so are most virtues. I don’t think it’s even patience if you get things when you want them. Training for a marathon takes work. So does building mental attitude fitness.
- I really relate to the 'fully committed' approach you have. It can be a source of great success. You seem to be a highly diligent and committed person & that’s attractive (so I’m told). The darkside is can also become ‘cultish’ and the source of many problems, especially a loss of perspective of the “bigger picture”/awareness of alternative points of view or the fact that we don’t have perfect information. I’ve found that while I want to continue to be a committed person, I want to ensure that's coupled with being able to moderate myself for my own happiness and any future partner (hopefully my WAW). We don’t have complete information about how or what our WAW is thinking or feeling and we need to respect their journey and decisions, including the pace of those. Good things take time. It’s so easy to forget that when so much in modern life encourages compulsive behaviour.
- Don’t be too hard on yourself; or too serious. You’re doing well in an extremely difficult situation. Keep smiling!

Buddy

[Wonka]

GoFo,

Stress is of our own construct. You are your own prisoner. What active steps can you do at work to de-stress? Break them down in manageable action steps, some can delegate to other people, prioritize them on a to-do list.

It is hard to blow off steam when I had possibly cost a client $5 million dollars

How did this come about? What transpired prior, during and after the interaction with client? What did you learn from this? What would you have done differently if you had to do this all over?

[gogofo]

Thanks for the insight Wonka. Never considered that stress was created by me.

I will have to take some time and delve deep into the questions you pose and do some inner searching.

[labug]

Do you have a therapist, counselor?