I'm feeling 'tired' and I want to feel more positive again.
I am feeling increasingly negative about my sitch.
Since h left the last time he told me that he felt I treated him differently while he was is Dubai. It bothered him. So I thought about this and he was right. And I knew/ know it's because I associate him being away with the affair. Did/ does he not see that ? Maybe not. So when I responded to him I told him.
Anyway for the past two days h has been MIA. I know in my heart it's because of v day and the weekend combined . And I feel done in a way I have not yet felt. I am not yet sure if this is a reaction or a response. I do know that it's getting harder for me to dig deep. MY reality? I am good. I am happy. I am lonely. I want to share my kids with someone - share myself.
I hoped that there were baby steps from him. Maybe they are/were. But him going MIA only leads me to one thought- he has decided to run again.
I don't know if the baby steps have any merit. I'm trying to balance understanding him and watching his actions . I am also wondering what am I doing now. I need help - I need perspective. I see a lost man - having his cake and eating it - I see sparks of hope- and the dying embers of a man I believe (d) in.
My kids are suffering - am I still doing the best for them by standing? And me. What about me?
Are these baby steps worth focusing on rather than his MIA behaviour of the past two days?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
