WAW seems confused

[ManHope]

Hello. This is my first post.

I have been DB since mid Dec 13 and I had slipped a couple of times since then by being needy. Each time I tried to ask for forgiveness and she ended up crying. So far I have gone two weeks of being detached and she is communicating a little more. I am more involved with the kids and am always there when needed, without being pushy.

I was thinking about Valentines day tomorrow and I thought I could allow her some alone time while I take care of the kids completely. I got her candles and bubble bath and was going to ask her to just relax by herself (I don't expect her to do anything for me). Is this breaking the rules of detachment? I just want her to relax without trying to be mushy about V day.

I know flowers to her work may be a bit too much (specially since she is reserved and a bit shy). So I am being very strong resisting the urge to do romantic things tomorrow.

Thoughts?

[ManHope]

I should provide a little more background as to why I said my WAW seems confused. After my 180, I have stopped pursuing and just having a PMA.
She is currently avoiding talking about our split/finances/or D details and seems more calm and avoids looking at my eyes when talking.
Last week she mentioned we may need to talk at some point (I assume most likely about the D details). She said this while looking at me and started to tear up with a sad look on her face. I gave her a hug and told her to be strong and just to go get her pedicure. I learned to give her even more space than what she expected. Living together is hard but you can see why I sense she is going through internal battles.

[LITB]

Welcome to the boards. We need more information to help you.

What caused your W to be done?

What are/were her complaints?

What changes have you made since the bomb?

What is your definition of detachment? I suggest to do a google search on "Livestrong developing detachment".

There are many more questions to come as you provide more information. Giving your W gifts for V-day would be considered pursuing. If you are detached, you will have -0- expectations on how they will be received. However, I believe there is an expectation behind giving her gifts.

You have to set your expectations to -0-. It will help you stay off the emotional roller coaster.

[Recruit]

Hey ManHope

I'm new too - it seems we aren't in too dissimilar situations

Good luck and chin up buddy

Recruit

[ManHope]

Hey guys! Awesome to know there is a listening ear out there!

Here are my answers:

What caused your W to be done?
From day 1 to late 2012, we had done everything together and had no close friends (like girls or guys we would talk to daily) except immediate family.
I own my own business where we decided for her to come work in '09
As I became too focused on work, she started to pull away around late '12, making friendships at work with girls and a couple of guys (I started to feel jealous).
We had about 3 big arguments on 2013 which worsen our situation to cause the bomb. 3 arguments were caused by work related things and me being either jealous/controlling of situations. We had laid some people off mid year as business was tight and she wasn't happy about the people we let go. The final bomb was during her last week at our company. We had already agreed for her to work elsewhere and she was not coming anymore. Her two best friends were now two of my employees (They were too involved in my personal life). They were also slacking, which caused me to set tightened rules. One of them quit and the other was let go for insubordination. She was basically done after this.


What are/were her complaints?
1- Work related disagreements (we worked together since 2009 at own business). This change started the downfall. She no longer works with me since the bomb.
2- Me working too much. Not enough family time.
3- Me getting a quick bad temper with the kids (too quick to yell or raise my voice) (was worse after 2009)
4- Too controlling. Random rude acts: changing the music, criticizing when she eats unhealthy
5- Not quick to respond to her texts and don't always pick up her calls.
6- Dont pay attention to things she tried to do to get us closer. She tried reading a love language book and I refused back in early 2011. I didn't think we needed consoling or anything like that.
7- SL was fine but I begged too much (which made her upset)
8- Keeping record of wrongs (She made friends with girls and guys at my work. Early 2013 I confronted her about texting too much with a guy (it was friendly but too often) and I used it every time we fought.
9- Trust her - My trust for her diminished after #7. I started to act more snoopy and controlling.


What changes have you made since the bomb?
- We don't work together
- I dedicate time for my family. I am at home everyday before 6 and even cook before she get home from work. We have a role reversal now since she now works longer hours and I don't.
- I have my temper on check
- I let go of trying to control situations at home. I do my best to allow her to make mistakes.
- I started to detach toward end of Dec. I didn't expect things in return for any actions. I did relapse about 3 times and tried to talk to her again (even spoke to her mom). Last attempt was 2 weeks ago and it was my last. I am completely detached now (doing good at closing on my feelings around her). Practicing agape love is my path.
- I am attentive to her, listen more than speak and am always here to help her on anything.
- I started to work out heavily. Results show
- I got closer to God. I do turn myself to prayer daily. It helps me because I need to avoid from relapsing again.
- I volunteer at my church.


What is your definition of detachment?
Love without expecting anything in return and not being affected by the response you get.

[ManHope]

I posted my reply to Recuit by mistake.
Please see my response above.

[LITB]

Thank you for answering my questions. It helps to understand your sitch.

The whole business thing was a recipe for disaster. At least all of that has played out. Many lessons learned I am sure.

There were many signs of where this was headed. Funny how we see it after the fact. Have you read the 5LL?

I am assuming you went ahead with the plan for today? I think you are probably fine with going forward with it.

By what you have posted, I gather that your business consumed a lot of your time and focus. It seems as though that has been remedied. How is/was the rest of your R/M outside of the business?

Since the BD, how has your W's demeanor changed? Has her frustration and anger subsided as you have began to transition as her H?

[ManHope]

I have read 5LL. Her primary is QT. Secondary are tied with words and touch.

I will leave the candle and bubble bath ready so she can relax while I take the kids out for ice cream. I will let her know I want her to relax as I get the kids away so she can rest. I know she will appreciate this.

Outside of the business we would argue about business related things. Besides this, we would love to do everything together. Weekends will be usual trips to nearby towns, shopping and just hanging out. Saturday night watching SNL and we would watch TV together almost every night. Date nights maybe once a month but we were almost like caught in a routine. You can see for my responses there were other issues I know I pressed on which I have owned up to. But overall, we never had chronic issues. As we drew apart, I noticed she started to communicate less with me and be less happy (mood). I had asked one time if there is something I could do and she said she wasn't sure. This was 6 months before the bomb. I now regret now seeking counseling then. It would have helped us both. I tried to do different approaches to things we were doing but I wasn't sure what to do back then.

About her demeanor, yes! She has dramatically changed towards me. Before I couldn't even call her. Now she accepts my calls. Now that I am respecting her boundaries, she is opening up more. We just talk about kid related items though. And I notice she makes attempts to not look at me when she comes in or when she talks.

We pray with the kids every night and I lead the prayer.
Also, in the AM, I get ready next to her in the same bathroom.
Kids don't know anything yet

[LITB]

Sounds like you have some positive momentum going for you. Keep doing what you are doing. It seems to be working.

Perhaps you needed the business dynamic to implode for things to head in a different direction.

[ManHope]

ok. So I got her a funny movie too and left her bath, candles, etc... ready for her to have alone time upstairs.
I ended up spending time with the kids and then I took them to see a movie.
Once I got home she was watching the movie I got her with the lights off.
I went to bed and let her have her time.

I'll continue DB today. Normally we don't make plans ahead of time on the weekends. Today is going to be the usual: She sleeps late, I get bfast for all. Then she may take one of the kids shopping for errands, groceries, etc... and all.
I may get busy doing home improvement stuff.

Of course, what we used to do is go everywhere together, so putting a smile while she takes off is tough as it is.

Now, I know she may still try and ask me to "talk" at some point. I know she did have a free consultation with an attorney a couple of weeks ago and she took home a worksheet to start filling out. I also know that her financial situation will be real tight and that may be scaring her. She has said before she wants to be amicable and not have any restrictions at all. She even said she will leave me the house.

I am curious how should I handle talking to her if she requests to? I sure don't want to agree to divorce but I also don't want to "help" her make it easy. The longer I can DB the better.

Also, two weeks ago she mentioned about talking to the kids at some point. That was an intense conversation and I told her not to break their hearts yet. She took this offensively (By the way that was the last time we spoke about our M). I am thinking if she brings it up again to go ahead and speak to the kids. Anyways, this is another point I am struggling with. I can apologize to them and tell them I am sorry for not loving her mom, thus, clearing her from guilt, but I am not sure if this should be the right move. Deep inside me I know the kids know I am becoming a more involved dad, more close, more tender, etc... and it will be confusing for them to see their mom trying to break the marriage. So, I don't know how in the world we can hide form the kids the fact that she is bitter and won't forgive.