Perspective - The Reality of the Trip

[RealityTrip]

I am in a dangerous space. Teetering on a spin. Trying to control and evaluate the intense range of emotions that I am experiencing. In short. It's Valentine's. This morning was good. Coffee and cuddles. This afternoon we were running errands and playing a game... a trivia game. Asking each other different questions. It was cute. Getting to know each other as two completely different and new people from this experience. We were laughing and in the midst of so many wonderful memories from our marriage. My W had just talked about our wedding day. As we were reading the questions back and forth I was also using her phone that she handed me to read the map on google to the location we were headed...

"You've got mail"

The email icon runs across the top of the phone and it's from xAP titled "Goodbye for now"

Wife is a wreck. I am stunned. She starts to admit that they emailed back and forth yesterday. xAP wanted to tell her that her dog has cancer. But of course W has deleted the emails and was "going to tell me."

And after our appt. we sit in the car and she reads the email first then hands me the phone to read it.

xAP giving my W love and sending her on her journey and hopes she can find her way to make the changes to be who she wants to be.... And if my W can never find the strength to break free from whatever it is that is holding her there (with me) that , well then she hopes my W can make the best of where she's at.

Then she included some love poem about henna rings and how they are bound to one another in their hearts.(which my W admits they got henna rings at a party once and it did have a significance to them) Maybe they will find a way to be together in this life and if not, then maybe in another. Oh... and she loves my W.

Cut to... a really long talk. Super long. Tear filled but no fighting. Then I called a moratorium on the subject. We pulled it together and finished our errands. After all... we have a Valentine's date tonight.

Just as we agree to put it behind us, my W's phone gets a text from xAP and W shows it to me. She said, "My dog is gone. He just stopped breathing here at home. No need to respond. I hear you."

We sat there. W wanted to respond. I just sat there. W texted xAP back and said, "I am so sorry to hear."

Right now I feel an overwhelming urge to cry and feeling of hopelessness. Will the A ever really be over? There is so much more that was said between me and wife today but I don't have time or the energy to type it all right now.

I am trying to not react. I am trying to stay in the calm and recover our Valentine's Day.

I'm here on the board to release it. So I can pick it up later and process what it all means to me later.

I am:
Mad
Sad
Angry
Hurt
Aggravated
P*ssed Off
Over it
Done
In love
Married
Confused
Directionless
Tired

I am pausing.