The reason she gave why she doesn't want to give me full access is because she felt violated how I eventually found out about the affair. I had hacked her laptop, copied the backup of her iPhone, purchased an extractor program, and eventually guessed her encryption password. I found out not only what happened, but virtually all of the gory details up until that point. She doesn't know it, but I also go all the photos she'd sent but had deleted from her phone. She doesn't want me going through her life looking for more dirt.
To be fair, that's EXACTLY what I would do, at least after initially gaining access. It feels like the longer she waits to give me access (assuming she ever does), the longer it will take to restore my trust in her. Obviously I'll never be able to trust her blindly again, but I'm hoping the potential scenarios of what she 'could be' doing won't be scrolling through my head when she wants to go out shopping.
A: "(Wife), I'm sorry you feel that way. You asked me what I would need in order to feel safe in the marriage again, and considering your recent affair this is what I would need. Transparency is hardly my concept -- it's pretty standard stuff. Let me know if and when you're ready to do that, but if you can't I can only assume you are still in contact with OM -- or want to be able to soon be."
You can't control her. But you DO get to articulate what YOUR boundaries are.
