Wife wants divorce - my first post

[tbm4evr]

Hello everyone,

I don't know where to begin . ..I'm devastated . . .just served divorce papers yesterday. I knew they were coming, she said she filed. We have two kids S-5 and D-8. She's 45 and I'm 47. Married 18 years, together 22. For the past few years we have been going to marriage counseling - she has resentment because of me controlling the relationship - for eg when we had our children she wanted her folks there and I said they can come to the hospital after the birth - she hasn't forgiven me to this day for that. I wish I had empathized with her at the time. I do now. I thought she was having an affair because she would secretly text and call this guy - I would see the texts and calls but never found any "evidence". One night last August I came home at midnight and went to bed, she didn't here me and was on the phone till after 2am so i got out of bed when i heard her hang up and asked her whom she was speaking to and she said my sister-in-law. I told her I knew it wasn't my sister in law and she finally admitted that she met this guy last June that listens to her (same guy btw). In September I found out she made out with him a couple times at the local bar. In December she went to pick up take out for dinner and when she got home I saw she had called him while out. Again I saw she called him in January. She insists there is no affair and nothing sexual going on and that the two times I saw on her phone that she called him (in Dec and Jan) happen to be the only two time she indeed did since September when I found out about her with him at the local bar- I believe her. The last time on January 31 when I saw the phone call I also saw a text from a friend asking her what she was going to tell me for being out till three in the morning with another male friend of hers (with the same first initial as this guy I thought she was having the affair with so I thought it was him) and her cover up response (this past Saturday, she told me the guy was just a neighbor of ours but she said she didnt want to tell me because I'd be pissed off - I told her from now on just tell me - we need trust - if i trust you why would i be upset). Anyway, at the time it led to a full blown argument where she even went to the police to tell them I had taken and looked at her cell phone. For the past month I have now been sleeping in the guest room with our son and my wife in "our" bedroom with our daughter - kids don't want to sleep in their own beds? A lot has led up to her now wanting a divorce but this past Saturday we stayed up all night and talked and she said she wanted to tell me about the texts and her secrecy and informed me that her best friend is having an affair that has been going on for three years and she has been protecting her/helping her cover it up and did not want to tell me because her best friend's husband is a very good friend of mine and she didnt want me saying anything to him - I told her I was glad that she could trust me now but I have gone through 8 months of hell thinking she was having an affair. She insists she is not and I believe her (she told me her kissing that guy friend was her just having one too many cocktails and she knows it was wrong, she says she likes talking to him because he listens and its a symptom of our marriage). I told her all the behavior of me being clingy and hovering over her and snooping on her phone is something I would never have done - but I wanted to know if there was an affair. Well, long story short ...lol. . .she says she still wants the divorce because I am too needy - clingy - controlling and that that behavior was going on long before I thought she was having and affair, she has a lot of resentment issues and she wants her space to do what she wants. I have been seeing a therapist on a regular basis - she sees the same therapist - actually she has an appointment next week. I told her to keep an open heart and mind and lets see where things go - Saturday night she agreed. When she handed me the divorce papers, I said thank you - I hope we won't be needing these and to keep an open heart and mind again - she said no I'm done - I said Saturday you said you were willing to and she said no I didn't . . . I just don't know. I guess the good things are we are still seeing the therapist and hopefully after a few one-on-one visits with each of us we can go together like we used to (the therapist wants to see us separately now because of the divorce filing - I just went to see him and told him what my wife said was going on - I hope after my wife's visit with him this coming Tuesday, she will reconsider and be open to trying to reconcile - she says she still has resentment issues and can't forgive and forget); then next week we are still going on a family vacation to the Carribean (getting out of Detroit and going to where it will be 85 degrees has got to help everyone!) and lastly I have learned a lot reading the forum - I will be GAL, do 180 on my behavior now that I know she is not having this affair (not just the hovering over her every move but the needy/controlling behavior too) - she already has seen a huge difference since Saturday - no desire to look at her phone and don't even question where she goes now - hopefully she will come around - I will now listen to her, respond with empathy and remorse if need be. Pray for me, my wife and family. Sorry to have rambled on so long - any advice appreciated - I did just order the Divorce Busters book too. Thanks.