One of the things W said the other day - "You always complained about scratching my back." A couple of times a week, just as I am dozing off, she'll say "Scratch my back." And I'll say something like "Oh you and your itchy back", but then I'll always go ahead and scratch it for a while.
I gave this some thought, and let me explain it the way I would like to state it to W.
------ "You told me that I always complained about scratching your back, and it's true, and I did a lot of thinking about why that was. I guess in the beginning I didn't mind so much, but I realize that you never said 'Would you scratch my back?', or 'Please scratch my back.' If you had asked in that way, then I would have felt that I was doing you a favor or scoring some points, and I would have responded 'I'd be happy to scratch your back', or 'Of course I will'. I remember it always being presented as an order - 'Scratch my back.' - as if it were some task that I was just expected to do on command. I never remember a 'please' or 'thank you' and I grew to resent that, and that eventually manifested as "Oh you and your itchy back." I don't mind scratching your back, but the way you asked always set me off.
I also realize that I am guilty of exactly what I accused you of - internalizing a trivial nit until it grew into resentment instead of communicating it to you and resolving it. I am sure that if I had told you years ago how the command form of 'Scratch my back' bothered me, you would have changed how you asked, and I would be happily scratching your back instead of resenting the demand. Another Venus/Mars thing with a simple solution that was allowed to fester. When we communicate and listen, learning happens." ------
Now what can I do with this epiphany? Anything? Would sending it violate a rule because she really doesn't care why anymore? I'm sure there will be other things I realize as I sift through the things she has said. Do I save these up for a more appropriate time? Does that time ever come?
