I think the big issue is, when is it OK to set boundaries for ourselves? Often times we push our hurt, which is related to unmet needs, down and discount it until we end up with a pile of resentment and pain. We become a tenderbox.

Melissa, from what you've written I get the impression that you've done this a lot in your marriage, that maybe you and your H never talked about what the real issues were but rather got angry, moved to your corners, built the walls higher, made up and "moved on".

Learning that we can set boundaries is important. As I learned in AlAnon, when something is a problem for me I can state that and set a boundary. The other person doesn't have to agree, and usually won't. (re-read your hazelden email)

State it in words/feelings that are specific to your need. Often times people don't know that they're hurting us because not all of us are hurt by the same things. We all have different needs. Or they continue to hurt us because they can.

Clearly stating our boundaries is how we take responsibility for ourselves.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss