"Seeing" Both Possible Futures!

[S4tk]

WAW's are usually angry (visibly or not) and are not looking for solutions to improve their MR. She is past the desire to have it fixed. Just as it angers her to see you doing things now that she wanted you to do in the past, it also makes her angry to see you seeking or suggesting solutions to fix the broken MR. Truth is, the man is making it much worse on himself.

This makes sense, and it is of course what it took me some time to embrace even though people on the boards were telling me the same thing. When you say that the man is making it worse on himself, do you mean the frustration of spinning his wheels and seeing no results? This was definitely hard in the early months, and I still struggle with accepting the fact that I can do nothing to change her mind or heart. But this is the truth.

I get amazed at a lot of LBH'S who "claim" they do certain things for themselves, when really they are doing it to emotionally impress the WAW. She may be in a fog, but she stills knows her H better than anyone and it would be hard to fool her regarding his true intentions behind his actions. Not that I'm comparing our S with God, but you know how the scripture teaches that God sees the heart of man and knows our true intent? We have to dig deep sometimes b/c we can lie to ourselves about why we are really doing good deeds, etc. Right? I think a lot of LBH's convince themselves they are changing and doing certain deeds in order to be a better man......when in fact, if his W left, he would stop doing it. Perhaps a good measuring stick would to ask yourself if (whatever the action) is something yowidowed do even if your W never knows about it. If you can remove the "earning browning points" from the equation, then it may help you see the true reason behind your actions. If you are not doing an action to make brownie points, then you will be able to withstand her negative reactions.

I think that the 180s I am doing, they are for me - but some of them were birthed from the awareness I have received through this crisis. Getting fit again, dropping the extra weight, getting back into my guitar playing - those are all things I wanted to do but they took a back seat for years. On the other hand, "seeing" as I see now that the intimacy in our marriage was of a much lower quality than I was willing to consider - well, what that does to me is it makes me yearn for real intimacy now that I see the "illusion" of what I was settling for (i.e. - I live my own life most of the week, she does the same, we both pour our lives into the kids, we do our weekly date night and make love once or twice a week BUT we are somewhat like islands living under the illusion of marriage).

The irony is that now I see it and want intimacy on a much deeper level - probably what she wanted for years - and I may have lost my only chance for it, at least in a romantic sense. My feelings may change if she leaves for good and a few years go by, but right now I still believe that I have been given one spouse for a lifetime.

So there is a deep loneliness within me and it is compounded by seeing her daily and not "meeting" emotionally.

Just as I am in the process of understanding that control is an illusion, so I am understanding that the pursuit of happiness is an illusion. We may grasp happiness for moments, but if we make happiness our goal - that idol will inevitably fall due to any number of factors. I believe my happiness was an idol - or that I was my own idol - and now I am paying the price. Of course, I never would have seen that before this crisis but I really thought we will both happy. There was a lack of awareness or a blindness.

You are sorry she isn't happy that you are present while children say their nightly prayers (for example), however, as the spiritual leader in the home, this is your responsibility and you will do it whether she's there or not......until the kids are older. You don't have to give a sermon about your purpose behind what you do, you just quietly continue doing it. For me, I have found that if I am not doing something in order for "Sandi" to get personal glory from it, then it's usually for the "right" reasons. But it hard to get "self" out of the way.

This is the prelude to the gospel. It is also what is helping me to surrender control. I cannot get myself out of the way by "trying" to let go. Trying to surrender is an oxymoron. I am beginning to understand that surrender means letting go, not trying to let go.

When you consider how the LBH has to learn by trial & error and all the time used up just for him to "get it", and double that time (at least) for her to wake up, get through the withdrawal & depression, and finally start trying to make your reality better........well you see where I'm going. I think your key words in that quote are "self-awareness" and "courage". By her referring to it as her fantasy, tells us she is trying to escape from the reality around her. When you use the word "courage", that immediately causes me to think one of two things. There is something scary in her reality or she is emotionally frail. I see missionaries in foreign countries as anything but frail, but that's just me.

She had a very hard early life filled with various types of abuse and neglect, which I believe makes her emotionally frail deep inside. She saw me as her knight in shining armor to rescue her from her inner pain. When I proved to be both unable to do that (I'm human) and full of my own baggage (I'm sinful as well) then she saw that me as her savior was not a good plan. She had made me an idol, and I enjoyed that role. Until the illusion faded and she did what she really should do to an idol - hate it for not being able to do what you want it to do.

My therapist talks about triggers, and I might not know the trigger which finally caused her to snap, but it isn't really important.

For me it wasn't so much a lack of courage as it was lack of energy........and hope. Hopelessness is like a death. I see so many LBS here who don't want to lose hope. Well, I had lost hope for my M and I think it was like a death. It didn't happen in a few months. It took years for it to die. It does seem easier when you think about a new one...instead of resurrecting a dead one!

This sums up my W 100% right now,

Your question is hard to answer in a few words, but I will tell you that my foundation I had in the church and the teaching of forgiveness was my crossroad with my H. As a Christian, I had to deal with the issue of unforgiveness. I had to admit to myself and confess to God that I had not truly forgiven my H of a lot of things over the past. I had so much i had pushed down that was never r esolved in our M. I'm talking many, many years of deep resentment. Over time, that resentment turned into a monster! It turned me into a bitter and critical person who blames my H for practically everything. So, after coming here and getting excellent advice, I had to make a decision (my crossroad). I had to forgive my H, even though he has never asked me to forgive him.....or admit he had a part in the breakdown of our M. I had to forgive him, for me.

W says she has forgiven me for my part in all this... but she is definitely that low-energy hopeless WAW and I have seen (7 months into this) that only some kind of inner insight or divine intervention could change her heart.

Do you think blaming your spouse for everything is simply a natural way to avoid the energy-consuming process of taking responsibility for your part in the relationship, and to rationalize your own poor decisions like the affair? I'm not talking about you personally sandi, but the average WAW.


[quote ]I had to forgive him in order to go on. Your W, hopefully, has the same teaching. How long it will take her, we don't know. The thing about forgiveness is it involves our own free volition to actually do it. Some people had rather hang onto all that anger and have another person to blame instead of taking responsibility for their own happiness. (which is another long topic for another time,) [/quote]

You kind of just answered what I just asked . You must have read my mind. W has told me several times that, "if you know me even a little bit, you will know that I am done and nothing will change that." I asked her once if by that she meant that I should know her pattern of ending friendships once she decides there is something about the person she doesn't like. I told her I didn't see her that way but I was curious what she means by this. She didn't really have an answer.

Let me stop here, due to length of post, and I'll start another one. I tend to get sidetracked and end up not answering the actual question.

I will also stop here and respond to part 2 of your post later. Your perspective, sandi, is invaluable and I am "hearing" it with the utmost respect.