Bug, I will continue to mull for a few days before doing anything about it . . . I do worry a little that I am expecting too much out of him to think that we can talk directly. This whole thing is just so surreal, it's really hard to figure out because it's uncharted territory for me in every way. So I may just have to take a leap of faith and make sure I am protected the best I can in case it turns out to be a dumb decision.
To all, Happy F-ing Valentine's Day!!
My H hasn't done anything for V-Day for years now, so I guess I shouldn't really bemoan the fact that I am alone this year. And last night, while I was up until 1:00 a.m. getting together the stuff for the kids, I was almost grateful that H wasn't here, because he was never supportive of the things I would do for them, and would have been not helping, but bitching that I wasn't going to sleep earlier. (Interesting how he now routinely stays up until midnight.)
I think maybe I will buy myself some flowers today. And get a massage this weekend. Time for a little love for me.
On another note - I am having lunch with a friend today. I know she knows something is up with me and H, and I imagine she will ask me about it. I am not sure what to say. Other than my very close friends, should the party line be something neutral? Like, "things just didn't work out, we are going to be as amicable as possible for the sake of the children"?? Or do I tell her that my H is one card short of a full deck? She's kind of an in between. Not an acquaintance who I would be vague with, but not a super close friend (obviously, since I haven't told her yet).
What do you guys tell people?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
You tell her you're separated, people only need to to know what you're comfortable telling them. You don't have to explain your private life to anyone. (boundary)
People who are worth having around you will honor your boundary.
Did you let the kids pack?
About the match photos, out of all the things your H has said or done, this gets me in the gut. (None of it's good but read around,they do seemingly crazy things)
I know I'm going way off the reservation here but I would tell him it hurts you that he put photos or your son that you took on his dating profile.
I'm the photo person in my family, I take them, I look at them over and over, I enjoy reminiscing about past times. It's MY Family's History.
H couldn't care less and I used to resent the fact that there were tons of photos of him and the kids and about 10 of me and the kids. He didn't get it cause the photos didn't mean to him what they meant to me. I can imagine him doing something very similar to your H, because there is no meaning attached to the photos other than they're photos. If the house was burning I'd want to save the photos, he would never think of that. He's not me.
There is meaning for you in those photos and I would say very quietly and calmly, "H, I know you have a profile online and used photos I took of our children (or whatever the case is). This hurts me a lot and I'm asking that you remove the photos from your profile."
And walk away.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
The kids will pack this afternoon when they get home from school. H emailed me adding socks to the list because he doesn't have any at the "Dad Pad."
Maybe he is bringing PJs and underwear?
Quote:
About the match photos, out of all the things your H has said or done, this gets me in the gut. (None of it's good but read around,they do seemingly crazy things)
I know I'm going way off the reservation here but I would tell him it hurts you that he put photos or your son that you took on his dating profile.
I'm the photo person in my family, I take them, I look at them over and over, I enjoy reminiscing about past times. It's MY Family's History.
H couldn't care less and I used to resent the fact that there were tons of photos of him and the kids and about 10 of me and the kids. He didn't get it cause the photos didn't mean to him what they meant to me. I can imagine him doing something very similar to your H, because there is no meaning attached to the photos other than they're photos. If the house was burning I'd want to save the photos, he would never think of that. He's not me.
Thank you for saying this, Bug. As you know, I doubt the things I think often now, because my H would often scoff at them or tell me I was being ridiculous or extreme. Many times, I would comment that if I died today, my kids, looking through photos, would wonder whether they ever had a Mom - I took so many photos of them and of them with H . . . so very few where I am in them. H never took the initiative to take photos, and it hurt my feelings.
But more so, the photos he used aren't just photos that I took. They are photos that I took to capture the family bond, and most of them were during special moments that we shared.
I don't think I can tell him to his face, because I will almost certainly cry. Though maybe he could stand to see that a little, because he seems to be wrapped up in his own little world and (based on his words and actions) doesn't seem to even notice how much he has hurt me.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I received this yesterday from Hazelden, and I think it couldn't have come at a better time. I think I will print it out and really mull it over . . . it's good stuff.
I'm posting here because I thought maybe others could benefit from it too. I'm not really religious but the Higher Power references might resonate with others, so I will leave them in.
*****
What if?
I was talking to a friend one day about something I planned to do. Actually, I was worrying about how one particular person might react to what I intended to do.
"What if he doesn't handle it very well?" I asked.
"Then," my friend replied, "you're going to have to handle it well."
What ifs can make us crazy. They put control over our life in someone else's hands. What ifs are a sign that we have reverted to thinking that people have to react in a particular way for us to continue on our course.
What ifs are also a clue that we may be wondering whether we can trust ourselves and our Higher Power to do what's best for us. These are shreds of codependent ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, and they signal fear.
The reactions, feelings, likes or dislikes of others don't have to control our behaviors, feelings, and direction. We don't need to control how others react to our choices. We can trust ourselves, with help from a Higher Power, to handle any outcome - even the most uncomfortable. And, my friend, we can trust ourselves to handle it well.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Melissa, great, GREAT discussion on your thread. And to echo what the others have said here, you really have had a lot on your plate in 6 months and done a lot of work - and anyone would be a little woozy on this roller coaster. Mine was a much longer term aggravation - like being stuck at the top of a ferris wheel for 2 hours, and while neither one of them is a good time, you deserve some kudos for seeking balance while your boat is rocking in turbulent waters. Add the fact that you don't trust your boat, well... hugs for you.
I find it admirable that you and Bug are the family historians. In fact, as someone like your H's, I'll say thank you for taking the job. I am a lousy photographer and I absolutely hate trying to capture moments. My XH was the one who dragged the video camera around, so I have lots of movies. But photos are kind of a mix of both of us. I have always known I could do better. Then when D19 started high school and made the varsity team her freshman year and saw the albums on display at the banquet, I *knew* what she was going to say. In fact, it was a matter of time, and I felt sick to my stomach. We had barely walked out of the venue when she turned to ME (not her Dad, ME) and said, "I'm going to ask for something that I really, REALLY want you to give me. I'd like for you to start taking pictures of me. I want a volleyball album like that when I'm a senior." I remember telling her that giving her a kidney would be easier.
I have family members from my family of origin who are avid photographers of capturing family moments. I LOVE looking at them. But I hate the fact that they are busy trying to capture moments and not living in them. Somehow, I think it sort of migrates into unspoken agreements and both parties find it disturbing, and then it moves into the mutual resentment category. I love looking at photos, but they just don't mean as much to me as they do to others.
So getting back to you and your H using those photos on his match profile. What do you have to lose by letting him know that you know about it and are hurt by him using those photos? If you cry, maybe he *should* see that you aren't okay with this whole thing? Of course, if he's the kind of guy who chastises you for crying, maybe not.
You should definitely date yourself this weekend! That's the ultimate act of self care, and you'll be happier for it. Hell, I might even buy myself a valentine and go all out.
Hugs!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
On the topic of the match.com photos - is it out of line to ask him to remove pics of my children? (Whether I took them or not.) I find it disrespectful to my children that he is using them to try to get dates with someone other than their mother. Particularly when they think he is coming home in two months.
It makes me want to throw up.
I don't know how he tells himself the story in his head that he is such an honorable guy with integrity and character.
(That's on my list of who-knows-the-answer, not worth my energy to even consider.)
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Without the emotion, yes. I mean, with the emotion too you have every right but he does not respond in a productive way to your outrage.
In this day and age you do not post pictures of your children to strangers on the internet. He's out there trolling and has no idea what crazies are out there. Appeal to his sense of being a good dad and ask him not to post photos of them.
I think when someone believes they are gone and it's a done deal, appealing to their desire not to hurt you is not going to be effective. They will expect you to face reality and get on with your life. They will think you're being controlling and punitive.
For now, that is who he seems to be, done-guy. You have to speak in words he understands.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Ad . . . my H also doesn't have a very good sense of being a good Dad. (He wants to be one, but doesn't really know what that means.) Remember, he has a terrible role model. And he thinks that any kind of concern about posting kids' photos online is ridiculous.
My H is Mr. "everything will be fine."
He is what I would call a FB whore - he will be FB friends with anyone who asks, and he asks seemingly everyone he meets. For years, I didn't know who 75% of his FB friends were. He wasn't even sure who they all were. I asked him to please either remove the photos of our children or trim down his friends list. He refused. He told me I was ridiculous.
So I doubt that appealing to his "good Dad" side will help either.
Whatever I say, it will probably fall on deaf ears. It will really just be for me, I think.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
