happy valentines day (oh cripes! did i say that???) i love th4 idea of this holiday still- even tho, honextly, it's such a huge bummer today. went to food store- i keep thinking in life tht holidays are celebrated for kids allll the time- i think it's nice and im portant- then people get old and forget about it- or "STOP PARTICIPATING".
I DON'T want to be one of them- the old old old people who stop participating and tell themselves they're all hard and cool and isolated, etc.
anyway- that being the case- i decided i would just get a small token bag of nuts (yeah- i know, how appropriate huh?) for h and let it go at that. i don't believe in just stopping being alive because it might feell ike it alot of the time- etc.
SOOO food store down here is (very nicely) chock full of gay guys all the time- today they were all buying bouquewts and balloons and so on- chatted with af ew people - everyone is alll full of the holiday. it made me blubber in the foodstore- BUT- IT ALSO MADE ME realize , again- and hopefully it will stick there right in the forefront of my myind-
that allll sortts f people have love and life with someone that appreciates them- i may have reached a giant end of the road, or plateau or wh atever this is in my life- feeling like nothin to noone- BUT FOR THE FUTURE- WHY THE HECK NOT??? I'M THINKING i'm nice as anyone else out there- all theusual crappola i say all the time- and believe.
maybe i'll run into some love of my life that will make all this go away- and become just an old memory in an old memorybox full of old cards and momentos.
i can't actually begin to plan anything in my life at this very moment- i'm not "gone" enough buti can't even think about it cause of my motehr's bad health and (i think) liklihood of dying sometime in the not too distant future. i don't want to sound hard- i can't think of another cutsie way to put it
\i talked to dr. and am banking on her hanging on for awhile yet so i will be there- i needed a littel get away- i needed to touch base with my "life" , well"my old life" - i don'ty know what i'll find.
today i'm finding that i need to probably walk right out of it one of these days and never look back.
i can't move til the whole mom thing is done and over- idk wyy6. if i am forced, naturally, i will do whatever i have to.
willingly- one giant "ordeal" at a time. i have a bad feeling lately - i kn ow what you're sayin ur- about6 being kind. i swear- i do my best. she's even pleasant now or then when we're by ourselves. she's very needy and i get that- she's not particularly nice - ig et that- i get it all.
i cannot change one tiny bit of any of it- i can be there for her when i'm up there. the 24-7 of it all- waiting- watching and watching and lsitening and listening, etc. just feelin a bit worn down- i hope4 i didn'ty make a huge mistake coming down to fl-
gut just said do it- it may be a een longer ordeal when i go back- who the heck can ever know???
i hope to always be able to face myself in the mirror. i may not do all the flashy stuff- or buy big gifts, etc. i am "constant" if nothing else.
i think i'll go have a bit of a blubber (self pity of course) you know- don't we all get one tiny dispensation for self-pity on valentines day when we're feelin a bity blue.
i'll go get the kids later if i can get my chore donw (ready for a doll sh ow tomorrow_ an that will be a huge boost of love- two little babies who want nothin more than to play, talk toyou, ahve a hug and some candy- yay.
that's the real thing- that love injectino when life is getting low and lower and likely to get even worse sooner rather than later. YAY FOR baby-love. i'll take it.
okay- that is pitiful old me here- maybe you're right ur- some days i feel like i don't want to know about this anymroe.
if ow has to be there - between us- then goh ave her and let me outta here.
i'm tired of the message i'm getting here- in general in life-
xxoo feelin better already- sorry universe for the whine- it's a hard morning - idk- i got used to av ery high level of being cared about in life- even if it was self-delusion.
it's hard goin cold turkey- hoping it won't last forever-
xxoo happy valentines day and lots of love from millions of other angles to everyone out there- i know there's more to life than our errant spouses and our broken hearts and lives - letsd hope i'm right and lets hope we all run into some kind of wonderful love from some kind of wonderful other angle- love of a creatiopn - love of a hobby or interes- a dog, cat, baby, frined., for some wonderful piece of cake- love - any kindfor anything- life? love of being alive??? love of being in our comfy bed when alot of world sleeps on the dirt floor? idk- SOMETHING- ANHYTHING- PLEASE HAND ME MY (HALF FUL) CUP PLEASE!!!. some LOVE for everybody PLEASE.
xxo deluded love-pie here - thank you and drive thru please
