Barrybran III - New job, new life?

[Barrybran]

Yeah, I wanted to acknowledge it without making a fuss if that makes sense. I figured it was more appropriate to give everything to her when it came up rather than making her wait a few days.

[Barrybran]

Women are funny creatures. I've given my wife some gifts for Valentines Day, early because I had some things she wanted and I figured giving it to her when she wanted it would be less awkward than the event already would be. She hasn't acknowledged or thanked me which I understand. I wanted to mark the event as she's still my wife and I appreciate her presence and I want to be someone who marks these events in the future. Basically, I knew what I was getting myself into and I'm comfortable with it.

I pop into my wife's work a short while ago and she tells me her best friend gave her a rose and a box of chocolates. She seemed quite happy about this and spent the afternoon making a gift basket for her friend. Her friend has had some issues in her marriage too so I understand the gestures. It would be nice have mine acknowledged accordingly but again, I pretty much knew what to expect this year.

I was going to suggest heading out to dinner tonight but my wife seems to be in a better mood today so I'm going to leave it. That may seem odd but she's been a bit off this week, though still civil with me. I'd like her to enjoy her better mood. I'll assess her mood later and may suggest heading out for ice cream instead. If nothing else, we're eating my favourite meal tonight (nothing to do with V-Day from her end) so I'm happy.

[Lostforwords]

Why are you backing off on the V-day dinner B? Really think about that since you will be at dinnertime long before I will be able to reply.

Are you a man of action or reaction?

Does a man need to be validated for getting a gift? Sounds like now you are expecting something in return for the V-day gifts. I thought you were expecting nothing?

Expectations...very evil thoughts they are.

Women are funny...They are from Venus....While we are from Mars. Imagine what they think of us LOL.

[Barrybran]

I backed out of the dinner idea because my wife appeared happy for the first time in several days. There are plenty of other chances to try something but I wanted her to enjoy her mood. I can wait.

As for the gift thing, I don't really know how to explain it. I gave her gifts for her without expecting anything in return. What I meant about my wife's friend was more an 'it would be nice if she appreciated it' rather than an 'I expect her to appreciate it'. Kind of like a where I'm at v where I want to be thing.

[Barrybran]

Pretty good day today. I worked this morning and the worst error I made was overcharging a fellow workmate (not used to the staff discounts yet). My boss was happy with my work as was I. Due to costs, my boss sent me home and hour early but being a weekend I was due to make extra anyway. I had my first lunch rush and I feel I'm getting the gist of the job already after only five shifts.

My wife was glad to see me home early today as she organised a surprise birthday party for her sister at our place. I did some jobs for her as well as cleaned the toilet and bathroom and felt happy with my efforts. It was also a bit of alone time for me despite the kids running around the yard. Once the party started I had a chance to sit down and boy did I need it. I enjoyed a few rums tonight and had a good chat with my brother-in-law. Later in the evening, my wife decided it was time to organise the kids for baths and bed and started the process without telling me. No biggie but normally I'm the one handling this and because it was a special event I enjoyed myself and let the kids run amok. I went inside to help where I could but my wife had everything under control so I went back outside and enjoyed myself.

I had some minor pleasant interaction with my wife this afternoon but nothing this evening. She works a short shift tomorrow while I have the day off but we're looking after my sister-in-law's daughters so it's going to be a full house (six kids!) and no real rest. I work seven days straight after tomorrow so it'll be a good run for me with work and the gym.

One downer however was some minor snippiness between my wife and parents yesterday. My parents moved their bus from the front to the back yard yesterday ready for tonight and when my wife got home she jokingly said "yay, they're gone" to them. I knew what she meant but my Mum took it to heart and said to me later "we still have some things we need to do to the bus before we leave." I can't wait for them to leave but I understand that their funds are limited and they can't just up and leave and I don't expect them to. I really don't want to deal with any negativity though so here's hoping the next week or so progresses smoothly for all involved.

[Lostforwords]

Sounds like a good day B

Over the next week validate your wife's feelings about the parents....While you don't need to rush them, you have acknowledged that the situation stresses you a little bit also.

[Barrybran]

My wife was pretty moody this morning so I steered clear of her but she seemed to calm down and wound up telling me she was going to go to the local netball courts tomorrow night after work to have a look and see if she can/wants to play. This is from a woman who HATES sport!

I grew up in a supportive family. My brother and I played softball growing up and my parents were around watching, coaching, scoring, umpiring, administrating, etc. I want to be the kind of person who supports my family's endeavours so I asked my wife if she would mind me bringing the kids down to watch her or whether she wants it to be her thing. She said she was just going down to have a look first.

With everything that's going on, is it reasonably safe to offer support for this potential interest or should I be steering clear of this one?

[Barrybran]

Well tonight has been eventful. This afternoon, my wife and I enjoyed each others company playing Wii. There were plenty of laughs and encouragement and it was nice to see my wife smiling. I touched her briefly a few times through the day as a heat check which I know wasn't a great idea. After the kids went to bed I sat on the couch with her and started rubbing her back and she asked me to stop. She had been asking the kids all afternoon to rub her back and none of them would so I thought she'd let me.

A short while later I could hear my three year old opening and closing the door. I went to check on her to find that she had wiped poo all over her door, walls, carpet, toys and bedding. It's the worst thing any of my kids have ever done. I called my wife in and in no time she was in tears. We cleaned the room up and I tried my best to validate my wife's feelings but I felt helpless. As much as I've understood the need to be patient and that she had rejected me rubbing her back only minutes earlier, I found myself wanting to console her more than ever. I know that's up to her so I just tried my hardest to listen when she spoke and keep clear of her when she didn't, helping to clean up instead.

Once we cleaned the room and got the kids back into bed I was somewhat lost. I felt kind of useless and hurt which I know isn't good but I was in the moment somewhat. I wanted to be alone but settled for returning to the living room my wife was in. Once she had settled down she turned the Wii back on and it was all teamwork, smiles and laughter again.

Man, it's confusing lately. Hanging out and laughing, to "don't touch me", to distraught, back to hanging out and laughing all in an hour. I didn't have an opportunity to read any DR over the weekend which I was looking forward to doing. Instead I spent the day rounding up kids and cleaning. With seven straight days of work starting tomorrow I know I had to do something for myself today but we had washing piled up so it had to be done. At least I caught up and I feel good about that heading into the week.

[Lostforwords]

"Once we cleaned the room and got the kids back into bed I was somewhat lost. I felt kind of useless and hurt which I know isn't good but I was in the moment somewhat."

So why do you think you were lost? My bigger question is actually how did you address your daughter's behavior? I have faced the poo fiasco myself and I am wondering how you responded.

The netball thing is tough.....I see where you are coming from. At the same time your wife may see that has individual time.

[Barrybran]

We took my daughter out of her room. We were loud and firm without yelling; told her we were hurt and upset. We cleaned the room, spoke to her again and told her to get into bed without any arguments. That worked out alright as she went to sleep.

It's now 2am here and my daughter has just woken up crying. I intercepted her, asked her if she was OK and she didn't respond but continued crying. I asked if she needed the toilet. No response, more crying. I asked if everything was OK. No response, more crying. I offered to tuck her in and give her a cuddle. No response, more crying. I escorted her to her bed, made all offers again and again, no response and more crying. I then asked her to lay down and still the response was the same. When I went to lay her down she kicked her legs at which point my wife walked in, she gets the same response and then takes my daughter to our room.

After last night my daughter is in no position to negotiate. I told me wife I don't think it's a good idea and she ignores me, and takes my daughter's bedding and puts it on the floor. I left the bedroom and I'm here now. I can't sleep when I'm disrespected like that. You don't just ignore someone, especially when the 3yo is in the wrong, not the 30yo. I'm due to get up in 3.5 hours for work.

As for netball, I've expressed my desire to support her but I'll accept her wishes if she chooses it to be her time. If she does, I'll be disappointed more because it's a core difference in family values and not because she doesn't want me there.