She left - My Story, First Post

[gogofo]

As far as rule #1, my kids solidified this concept for me last night.

I was explaining to my oldest that when he whines and cries about things he wants or does not like that it makes people not want to give him what he wants.

All of the sudden a light bulb went off and bang it was easy to understand rule #1 for me.

[gogofo]

In reading back, it sounds like empathy is a big issue for me. I know it has been an issue for me before in my life, worked on it some in the M, but it must have slipped.

I need to figure out a 180 to help me with empathy.

[gogofo]

She also told me she was happy I was working on myself, but it is too late. This was early on and must have felt like salt in the wounds.

I heard from others that she knows I have been changing, but doesn't think it will last. This makes me think she assumes I am trying to bribe her back into the R.

One of the most hurtful remarks was that she sees herself as someone I can contact when/if I get married again to ask for R advice.

[paul19510]

She also told me she was happy I was working on myself, but it is too late. This was early on and must have felt like salt in the wounds.

I heard from others that she knows I have been changing, but doesn't think it will last. This makes me think she assumes I am trying to bribe her back into the R.

One of the most hurtful remarks was that she sees herself as someone I can contact when/if I get married again to ask for R advice.

From what I've come to understand here, that sentiment is "normal". Sustained changes take time to believe in. If you choose to try and stay M to her, you will need to understand that demonstrating a "new you" could take a while. I'm not even going to try and say what "a while" is. I don't know.

[paul19510]

Oh, and something we are all learning in this place when we're new at it...go do something else. She walked away from you, return the favor (I'm really paraphrasing the sentiment).

Go keep improving yourself, not to win her back, but just because it makes sense. Ever wonder how the jerky guys seem to get the girls...its because they don't care....then they get chased. Walk away...really walk away...don't be a jerk about it...just don't care so much. Trust me, I'm having to learn this the hard way.....

[25yearsmlc]

This is golden advice 25yearsmlc has given you. I wish I implemented this sooner in my situation. It sounds simple but the work is hard. Took me several months before really understood it.

This is a learning process and the lessons are tough. That last one is great!

40. Don’t worry about how the past is viewed. What matters is “Now & from this day forward.” Learn to let go of the past. Let go of what you cannot control, which is a lot. It’s so freeing.

thanks for the kind words Mariner. Just want to mention that the words "from this day forward" are in many wedding vows.

I now see that as pretty brilliant and way more significant than I realized before.

If we live it, it really truly helps. I also accept that my h and I will Not see our past the same. I fretted over that for a long time. Probably b/c of my focus on "fairness" and what I perceived as having self respect.

I struggled for a long time with this. Finally I realized what mattered is agreeing on our future together. And letting go...

[gogofo]

I never associated the whole "from this day forward" statement, but I really do like it. In my core I also am someone who believes in admitting ones errors when discovered and correcting what is wrong, both professionally and personally. Too bad it has taken a S to make me realize my issues/problems.

I was reading other threads and read a suggestion from LITB to read the "developing detachment" article from the livestrong website.

It is pretty eye opening as there are lots of issues I see with needing to detach from my job, it takes way too many emotions out of me and has too much control of my life.

What I also realized is that I think when my wife said she broke she became emotionally detached with me. Looking back with some clarity I could notice some increased coldness after this point.

Is it common for a WAW to become detached from the LBS? The article along with some of the comments from my wife seem to make me think that she has become detached.

I know I am supposed to be lovingly detached from the my WAW, but what kind of situation does it put us in if we are both detached?

[HopefulStill]

Go,

Yes, your wife is detached from you - it's a self protection mechanism for her heart. To be frank, she doesn't even like you very much right now. Could you imagine someone you don't like, and aren't remotely attracted to, asking you for dates and explanations of your feelings? It would repulse you even more.

You must understand this, what she's feeling inside, in order to make the right moves going forward. I know it seems hopeless, but in fact it isn't. Statistically, men have much more success winning back WAWs than women do winning back a husband that's checked out. Why? I have no idea, but there is hope. You are the father of her children, so you are the logical choice for her as a husband. Unfortunately, her emotions right now are encouraging her to shut off and flee, believing in her heart that there is no hope for your M to work. She feels that you will never change (long term) and that she will never be able to love you again.

Your mission is to slowly give her the hope that she lacks- hope that you ARE changed, hope that if she returned it could work. Have you heard the concept of the love bank (or love tank)? You must start making little deposits into her tank by doing the things that mean the most to her. Slowly at first, more over time. Don't make a big deal about it, don't draw attention to it. Just plug away. You hope to get her to go from disliking you to feeling neutral. Then maybe a little positive towards you. This is when hope will enter her heart.

In my case I did this for a year and a half. She was still bent on leaving, but she had hope it could work. When it finally came down to decision time, she acted on the hope that she could love me again for the sake of our children (even though she still didn't at the time) and gave us one more try. That's the point where I ramped up my love bank deposits big time. I'm happy to say that, for me, it worked and she is very much in love again.

It was the hardest thing I even had to endure. There were times I felt despair and wondered if I was wasting my time. There were days I felt like giving up. I made mistakes. In the end, however, I kept plugging away, day by day. I did all that I could to keep hope alive in my heart, believing that I was the right man for my W and that I could change.

What are your wife's greatest emotional needs? What can you do to meet them?

-hs

[AnotherStander]

Yes, your wife is detached from you - it's a self protection mechanism for her heart. To be frank, she doesn't even like you very much right now. Could you imagine someone you don't like, and aren't remotely attracted to, asking you for dates and explanations of your feelings? It would repulse you even more.

^^^THIS!^^^ LBS's make a HUGE mistake when they assume that after BD they should really turn on the charm and pursuit, they think it's a 180 because it wasn't happening before BD. While it may indeed be a 180, it is a 180 that will backfire in spectacular fashion for the very reasons Hopeful stated. The WAS is in a totally different frame of mind than the LBS. This is why we say DB'ing is counterintuitive, our mind is telling us to pursue but the more we pursue the more repulsed the WAS becomes. It makes us look needy and desperate, and no one finds that attractive.

[gogofo]

Hopeful

Thanks for the response. When describe the journey she needs to take emotionally it makes sense. I even smiled at the stats that WAW return back to M more than WAH.

I assume that I need to detach so that her emotions don't take me on a ride. If detached I can still love her and allow her to make decisions that she needs to without it effecting me.

Kind of like loving a family member with addiction issues, I have a brother who has struggled with this. I love him but do not allow his decisions to change my life. I am happy for him when he is doing good but do not allow his highs and lows to change my life.

Love Bank, was that a John Gray concept or MWD from DR? I get my books and concepts confused, but yes I know the concept and will review it multiple times to commit it to memory.

As far as her emotional needs? She needs to feel loved, respected, accepted, like she is her own unique self. She was the giver in the relationship and I was the taker. I need to remain patient and find the opportunities to make deposits in these areas. Our communication needs to open up more, but I will wait.

This is just the start, I am going to read the 5 Love Languages to see what else I can come up with as far as emotional needs.

What can I do to meet them? Support her and the decisions she wants to make. STFU and listen if she starts to open up to me. I also need to explore more ways to meet her needs.

She has planned on taking more furniture to her place and I just held my tongue and said "Okay". Yesterday she also emailed me about a work trip to Canada in June. My response was genuine in that I was happy she was getting some benefit out of her extra effort at work and that "Banff is supposed to be pretty".