Sex-Starved??? That's an understatement!

[LFC1170]

25yearsmlc I just read your second post, I don't see how I could've missed it the first time.

Let me elaborate some more on what I said.

I didn't start to become detached because of no sex. I started becoming detached because no matter what I tried before DR, my wife spoke in no uncertain terms how she's miserable and wants a divorce. So I try the LRT and that means detachment, not being mean, cold and cruel, if anything that's what she is to me sometimes. She says she wants to leave but her actions say otherwise. It's been two years since her declaration and she still didn't save for the filing of papers. That was very frustrating to me. It was like, you can be my husband to support me, put food on the table, put a roof over my head, pay my health insurance, BUT you cant be my lover. That's like having your cake and eating it too. She has no responsibilities except to put herself in a position to get the divorce she wants so much, but to this day she has done nothing except restate she doesn't love me anymore. Can you see why I feel i'm being used?

Through the years i've always offered affection without the promise of sex but I was always rejected. Back rubs, foot rubs, cuddling watching TV was always met with thanx but no thanx. For sex I even offered to try and please her with no thought to me. That's ultimately what I want. To be able to give my wife pleasure. She always refused. ALWAYS. I didn't understand it.

Yes, when I tried to address the issues it ended up complaining about my misery. To this I say, yes I was miserable, yes she was one of the reasons I was miserable, yes she owns up to the fact that she was part of the misery that ended up as depression, but instead of doing anything about it she'll just cut and run and not try and fix the problem together. I thought this was for better or for worse not for better and when things get tough i'm outta here.

By reading DR and M/V I realized that I came at the problem from the wrong angle. How are we supposed to know how to deal with this lovingly? We had no role models! My parents divorced when I was 15. My mother remarried 2x and was divorced another 2x. My father has a girlfriend since i was 16 but never committed to her. She finally picked up and went to N.C. but they still keep a long distance relationship and it doesn't bother him in the least. My wifes' mother and father separated when she was very young. She was taken from her mother and put in foster homes and finally ended up with her mother again only to join the military to get away from her. She comes back and her first relationship was an abusive one. She sneaked out on him to be with me. Not cheated just left cold turkey when he wasn't home.

If I knew back then what I know right now!

What I would do different? A few things.

1. Listen to her without criticizing
2. Validate her feelings
3. More date nights
4. Learn to deal with my anger differently
5. Start holding hands again
6. Improve my sexual technique
7. More flowers just because
8. STOP BEING CRITICAL
9. STOP BEING CYNICAL AND PESSIMISTIC

That's just off the top of my head.

When I said "EVERYONE" who knows my situation, I meant personally the ones who had to "live" with me for these years. They are the ones who say it's over. Not these boards. My mother said it too even though she respected my efforts to try everything I can.

I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP BUT I DON'T WANT TO BLOODY MYSELF BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST AN IMMOVABLE AND UNBREAKABLE WALL!