ohhh also... breathe, speak calmly & confidently. Say things only once and then breathe and walk away. Do not get baited into more discussion over this matter. State your words and be firm & confident. This behaviour has got to stop!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce"
write this on your hand!!! LOL
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
You have to decide if this deal about the bed is something that you want to fight about. Is it just a battle that you will try to "win"? Or is the sleeping arrangements something you may be able to compromise on?
I don't know your sitch well enough to give concrete advice but in the totality of this mess you find yourself maybe this is something that can be revisited at some point down the road in your journey.
Unless I am misunderstanding,
You said, she said she was upset and didn't want to talk about it.
Are you sure she is upset about the bed deal? Maybe it is something else that is bothering her and you are bringing the sleeping sitch up which, if it is not this that she is upset about, will create another conflict that wont help anything.
If she wants to talk about what is upsetting her she will. She knows where to find you.
All I am trying to say is think before you act.
Sorry if this post comes across as confusing(it is to me a bit)
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Just to be clear I am not saying to not stand up for yourself. Just don't know if this is the right time or issue to do it on IMHO.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
You have to decide if this deal about the bed is something that you want to fight about. Is it just a battle that you will try to "win"? Or is the sleeping arrangements something you may be able to compromise on?
Well in the beginning we did compromise on swapping every other night on the blow up mattress. But I am over it, I don't sleep worth a darn on it, It's my house and my bed, and she is the one who wants out of this relationship and is either in a EA or PA with OM.
Originally Posted By: nit84
You said, she said she was upset and didn't want to talk about it. Are you sure she is upset about the bed deal? Maybe it is something else that is bothering her and you are bringing the sleeping sitch up which, if it is not this that she is upset about, will create another conflict that wont help anything.
Im almost positive its about the bed. (and Im sure other things she feels im doing wrong) When I told her last night that I would be sleeping in the bed again because I was not feeling well, I thought her head was going to pop off. She was so mad, and I will guarantee you she held on to that anger until this morning.
Originally Posted By: nit84
All I am trying to say is think before you act.
I hear you, and now your making me doubt myself. But Im freaking tired of sleeping on that dam blow up. She is tired of sleeping on the blow up. We have to move it from bedroom to living room and back everyday. Its getting old for both of us. I dont know what else to do. I feel like she's having her cake and eating it too. This was her choice to get Divorce and she has turned into a completely different person. I dont know how much more I can take.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
One, Sorry my goal is not to make you doubt yourself.
I just reference MWD when she says and I am paraphrasing here " if you want things to work out you and you alone have to be prepared to do all the work right now. It is tough but that is the way it is." I apologize for not knowing the exact words.
I'm also not sure if you have read DR which is where that thought comes from. It is a great read and the guide to this forum.
I have decided that I want to stand for my M and I am trying to use DB to help me get there.
At some point, I may change my mind because I am allowed to. I control me and nobody else.
You may not sleep good on the blow up mattress but think is all your anxiety going to be solved by sleeping in the shared bed?
I agree if it is for YOU that you need to sleep in that bed by all means do.
If you are sleeping in that bed because you have expectations that come with it then maybe it isn't the best idea.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
And No I dont think the anxiety is going to be solved at all. Im just so frustrated and feel like Im being walked on. Yea, its not that big of a deal who gets the bed, but at the same time it is. Its my bed. This women does not give an F about my feelings, nor the kids at the moment. All she cares about is herself. And her new BF
I honestly dont think there is any fixing this relationship. Not anytime soon atleast. Im dont think that if I make this stand its going to change the outcome of our R for Better or Worse (no pun intended)
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
2 people living in a house they both own. 2 people who both have joint ownership of a bed. Each person has the right to decide if they want to sleep in the bed or somewhere else.
Where is the confusion? If you want to sleep in the bed and it makes your wife uncomfortable, she has the right to sleep elsewhere.
I am not sure whether one should keep silent about a potential pa or ea. For me, that is a boundry issue. It isn't acceptable to me. I am not sure it should be 'acceptable' to anyone. Of course, that would entail judgment of a sort and I don't have the right to do that to another person.
I would recommend you purchase/read 'no more mister nice guy'. That could help you understand the issues of boundries and answer the question of 'if you are too soft'.
Part of my progression in detaching is a surfacing of anger and resentment. I feel I am being somewhat successful in keeping that as not being a deciding factor in the chaos of my mind.
My mind is a dangerous neighborhood and shouldn't be wandered in while alone! That is why I attend AA meetings and also IC. IC helps as these forums help, by having a sounding board. More importantly, they help me form my thoughts in order to take specific actions.
My wife did have an EA 5 years ago. It was horrible and a huge issue. If it had continued after I confronted her I think that would have been the end. Rambling now.........
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Its actually my house, I bought it before WAW and I were married and she has no right to it after D. And yes its Joint ownership of the bed.
Originally Posted By: tough spot
Where is the confusion? If you want to sleep in the bed and it makes your wife uncomfortable, she has the right to sleep elsewhere.
I think its in my head. One minute Im saying i need to stand up for myself, the next Im doubting myself. I need to do this, I need to stop worrying what WAW will do or say. I have no control over that.
To be honest, Its actually deeper than who gets the bed. Its more of the principle of the matter. Im tired of feeling out of control in my own home. Im tired of feeling like im walking on egg shells. Im tired of sleeping on the blow up. I tired of listening to her. Im tired of doing favors for her. Im tired of her behavior. She does not care about me, my feeling, etc. She even show less interest in the boys. Which use to be her main priority. Her main priority lately seems to be OM(who happens to have the same name as S7) She is constantly text him, right in front of me and the boys.
At the moment I dont see us ever R. She is the one who asked and filed for D. She is the one who is having an EA or PA. She is DONE DONE DONE and her demeanor and actions couldn't be more clear.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Well I did it. I told her I will no longer be rotating beds with her and will now be taking the bed full time. Needless to say she was pissed. The first thing she said was who told u to say that. She Said I haven't changed one bit. My word means nothing to her. I'm still selfish and I always will be. I just lost any credibility that she might have had......... And a bunch more but u get the idea
I told her I'm sorry she feels that way and I clearly understand where u are at in this relationship. I didn't hang around long. I was calm the whole time and finally said I have nothing further to discuss and walked away. As I was walking away she said I hope the boys don't turn out anything like you.
In her eyes. I'm the most horrible man on this earth
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
