How to patch things back in R after affair ended

[GreyMatter]

Very nice to meet you to RT!
Wow I'll have to jump onboard your thread as well, as you are correct there is no-one else in a similar place that I have found. I'm in a weird prepiece/piecing stage too. And I think you have nailed in on the head with the hurting me part being a nasty reminder to him. Because he is always their making sure I'm ok if ever I look slightly sad.
His A was for approx 12months. OW was 3.5hr flight away so it wasn't often PA but still enough and it was all hyped up online. I found out by finding his phone when he lost it drunk one night and couldn't find it himself. This was about 7months into it so really it was right when it was getting 'good' for them. But I'm thankful I found out then as he was getting himself in too deep. He has admitted that it lost its gloss basically asap after I found out and the next big thing was me saying 'good luck to you, if this is what you think is going to make you happy I will not fight you. I don't agree with it nor do I want it but good luck' (obviously happy and cheery but this is always me) I did obviously let him see me lose it though as I believe that was good for him to still know I was human and what he had done really did kill me. I can start to look back now and see how bad he looked - like a junky, and the anger and it gives me reasurrance it was a bad thing his A. I believe he thinks the same as he makes small comments about his weight, (not assuming anything though)
So in response to your point about them greiving the loss of the OW/M I definately think that has a bit to play in it. But All it has done for me is to make sure I go above and beyond in the 'understanding' and 'validating' parts. I'm filling the shoes that OW once did and offer some excitement of craziness every couple of days like music loud in the kitchen when he comes home and rolling around giggling with kids and we all jump on him or hide when he walks through the door so it's a fun place. Spontaneity is the key for me I think. I'm not sure if you also read on one of my posts that I asked him if he missed her when 'we' were going through 'their' break up and he said he did and I validated him and he got so mad and stormed out because he told me the next day that my understanding made him angry because I was so nice and he couldn't believe how much he hurt me and if he were in my shoes he would not ever be able to be so nice about it. And of course ended with I didn't deserve that treatment.
I pretend the A didn't happen now, yes I have triggers and I'm almost certain he is intune to some of them. We definately have come such a long way.