Don't know what to think

[T-boned]

Get out the 2x4's.

Well, I talked with my H yesterday about the OW. Told him I found out second hand and that I was not happy about that - felt disrespected and disappointed that he didn't let me know ahead of time so we could avoid an awkward situation - we live in a small town. I said it felt like we are in high school. H said he would have never thought to call me and tell me. I said even though it's a bitter pill to swallow no matter how one is told, to find out second hand (and him knowing full well the person he told was going to tell me)hurts even worse. That I'd appreciate he be honest and open with me.

I also said that for someone who said he was going to treat me with the respect I deserved, I must not deserve much because the way he has handled this whole thing has been disrespectful.

Also asked why he has a hard time seeing me. Says he can't stand to see me because it hurts him to think how much he is hurting me. He can't wait til this is over so we can talk as friends - really? Like I will be capable anytime soon for that??

Much more was said but in the end I ended up emailing him,thanking him for talking with me and hoping he could understand how I feel. Said I wanted us to go through this process smoothly with honesty, openess, kindness and fairness. That we're both pretty beat up.

Felt as though I had nothing to lose since divorce is a reality. Just wanted to get that stuff off my chest with him. Did I totally make things worse?

[T-boned]

Thanks Lois for the book recommendations.
I'm resigned to the fact that my marriage is over for now. We're going to a mediator, he is still insists he is done, and I believe it, but it may still be the MLC talking. I don't know what to think, other than I just have to move on. Maybe one day he will want to come back to me but I can't live my life hanging on to that thread.

As I always contend, you are where you are supposed to be. It's just confusing at times to keep it all in the proper perspective.

Thanks again for your suggestions for reading.

Hope all is well with you.

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Went to the mediator yesterday - papers were filed today.

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Weirdness abounds. Talked a little with him today about tax stuff. Real quick conversation, but he did mention, again, that he couldn't wait until this was all over so we could talk as friends. Is he saying that because he knows I probably won't want that once this is over, at least for a while, so that clears him of having to talk to me? Anyone care to comment?

[T-boned]

Should I go to another forum since we have filed? I don't seem to be getting any response here.

[BrightFuture]

T, I don’t think you need to move to another forum. It could be even slower over there. I know it is frustrating when nobody responds on your posts.

All I can say is that your H thinks that once all legal stuff is done, he will feel different. There are many cases on this board when WAS says the same words. It doesn’t happen this way most of the times, if ever. He thinks that after the D is final, all his guilt will magically disappear and he will not feel like he is hurting you anymore. Whatever idea he has in his head, there is nothing you can do to change it at the moment. Let him figure it out for himself.

[MrBond]

During all this, what have you been doing for yourself?

[Mic]

Hi T-Boned
I think that it is a symptom of the MLC that in their fantasyland once the paperwork is signed - all feelings, hurt, etc will just magically fade away and they can go off into lala land and live happily ever after. I'm just starting this journey though but it is odd that all the men same 90% of the same things.

[T-boned]

Hey, Bright, Mr. Bond and Mic, thank you all for your responses! Sorry to get back so late but I've been working out of town, been busy at home getting paperwork and stuff together for another meeting with the mediator, taxes, and having fun with my friends.

Bright and Mic, yes, I think he's a bit delusional in thinking the guilt will all go away once this is done. Unfortunately, in case you didn't catch it on some of my other posts, he has been seeing an OW, divorced 5 or 6 years, about his age, with 2 girls about 13 and 10. He now has his insta-family and probably thinks he is in Nirvana. Great example this woman is providing for her 13 & 10 year old girls that it's okay to be involved with a 'married' man - oh, but honey, he is separated - I can hear her now.

But I digress.

Mr. Bond - I am doing a lot for myself. Working on my issues with the help of my therapist, going out and/or just spending time with my friends a lot having fun. I have a great group. Just went to a Jeff Bridges (the 'Dude' from the "Big Lebowski")concert. Wine tasting, running, trying to eat well - - -just live life!

I think I am in a really good place right now. Seeing H more clearly for what he is. Don't know if I would go back with him if he asked.

Just want to get through this divorce stuff. Got to protect myself at this point.

Thanks again guys for the feedback. I will check in with all of you later this week.(Sorry you're just starting this Mic . . . big hug to you!)

P.S. Saw my oncologist today - all looks good. That's the best news EVER. YAY!!!!

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Hey, anybody post to TigerLily lately? You out there TL???