I'm in, wife's out

[Accuray]

Don't tell your wife you are going to MC, don't ask her for input and don't debrief her. You've been married long enough to know what the issues are and to know what you need to work on. Telling her you're going to MC is imposing an R discussion on her and then while you're there she'll know you're talking about her and assume you're making her out to be the bad guy and will resent you.

Tell her nothing is best and go when she doesn't notice you're gone or if you have to tell her you have an appointment and leave it at that. If she presses tell her she asked for space and you are going to take space too and this is part of it.

Acc

[nit84]

trc,

Once you read the books it will help you see what you need to do. MrBond is correct when he says there are no shortcuts and You must have patience.

I have no children my W lost her job two weeks after we S and still does not have one. IMHO she not looking too hard either. As soon as she told me she lost her job I figured it was just a matter of time till she came back. Wrong!! My biggest mistake was expectations. I didn't stop IMC but I slowed my process of GAL and detaching. This set me back a few months in my process. Once I joined here. I straightened myself out somewhat in regards to expectations and still have a long way to go but I don't feel that hopeless feeling anymore.

She still wants out though. That could change tomorrow, next week, or next year. I have learned that you cant predict what your WAS will say or do. They will say things and find fault in everything you do. This is a way of justifying their decision to walk away. You need to worry about your kids and yourself right now.

They find anybody who will listen to them and empathize with them. These people will enable the WAS to feel like they are making the right decision

It will drive you insane trying to keep up with their changing emotions. Detach and let it go

[trc2009]

More of a journal entry.

I've done a pretty good job of detaching so far. It's only been a few days but there have been some pretty significant challenges. Know for a fact that my wife talked to her "friend" (guy) on Tuesday night (and she knows I know because it's on Facebook) after I left. I didn't mention it at all. She asked me if anything was wrong and I said, "no, I actually had a good, busy day at work, heading to the gym when I leave here" (I fortunately have a job that can be pretty rewarding). I could tell she was a little taken back by that statement. But it was 100% true. When in doubt, speak the truth I guess?

Left the gym to head to my uncles house to stay and I get a phone call from w. I could tell she was a little shaken. Our son is a great kid. Great attention span, very kind, his pre-school teachers love him. He's usually great to our daughter. Apparently my wife walked out of the room and she came back and our son was on top of our daughter and punching her. Needless to say, that is totally out of character for him. She said she punished him and sent him to bed an hour early. This is really the first real "challenge" we've faced during our separation as it concerns the kids. She kind of alluded to him being mad that it may have to do with the separation. Through the whole conversation with her, I was calm & cool. She asked me what I thought she should do and I said he needs to understand that is not EVER okay. And told her we could talk about it today if she wants. We'll see.

Hardly slept last night because I was thinking about my son.

[nit84]

It is tough but try not mind read what WAW is thinking or feeling. I was really bad at this when the S first started.

I thought hey this my W I have been with her for 15 years. I know what she is thinking.

I couldn't have been more wrong and it drove me crazy the more I tried to read her mind.

I wish I could help you as far your kids go but I have no Children(my fault).

Just keep their best interest in mind. They come first before even yourself, I believe.

[trc2009]

It is tough but try not mind read what WAW is thinking or feeling. I was really bad at this when the S first started.

You hit the nail on the head here. I went home for lunch. Asked her about last night and if everything was okay (out of legitimate concern for our son). She went through the event in detail. I asked her if he was "okay" and if stuff going on with her & I was affecting him? Of course she said no. Not a complete 180 from our conversation last night but at least a 90. I dropped it, wasn't pushing the issue even though it certainly is having SOME impact on him.

DR should be here tomorrow and I plan on reading it over the weekend. It may discuss this but is it normal for the WAS to act like everything is fine (or even great) during the early part of the separation? I really let that attitude have an impact on me during the first two weeks of the S but since I've been here and read the first chapter of DR and the 180 (the term "W.A.S." was foreign to me before Monday), I've realized that I can't let that attitude bother me because it's probably only half way true (if even that much true).

And I'm sure after she called me upset, she got settled in after the kids were in bed that she started texting/talking to friends (enablers). Because that's what she has done since BD (even when I was in the house). And then her mind seems to get switched from where she was when I left the house (which is typically pleasant towards me).

Crazy that someone can go from hot/cold so quick.

[nit84]

trc,

Yes it is normal in fact it should be expected. After all, she has rid herself of the thing(you) that is making her unhappy.

They have to tell themselves this to justify their reason for leaving.

Cadet said it, Believe nothing that you hear and half of what you see.


They are a tuned to a duck. Happy and calm on the surface paddling and struggling like heck underneath.

It a rollercoaster for them also my friend not just the LBS

Stay strong and keep a PMA!

[Accuray]

Yes very normal. They want relief from your pursuit, and they believe that if they demonstrate weakness or doubt, you will interpret that as an opening and come rushing back in pushing and pursuing, so they must present a wall to you.

They typically view you as a big emotional dam with too much water behind it, and if they let even a little water over the top or through the cracks, the whole thing is going to come down and sweep them away.

That's why you can't believe their demeanor, it's designed to keep you at bay and give them distance. As long as they perceive you're waiting to pounce, they won't let it down.

That's what GAL and Act-as-If are all about in the book. It's to take them out of your emotional spotlight to make you safe and approachable again.

Here's the analogy I've used with others about pursuit: Draw a chalk line on the ground -- that's your "engaged relationship" line. You are standing on it, and she's standing 5 feet away, and there is a foam block wedged between the two of you.

If you take a step toward her, the foam block compresses and rebounds, and pushes her another foot away. You step closer, same thing happens and she goes another foot away.

If you keep doing it, eventually she's 20 feet away from your chalk line instead of 5 feet away, and you've now dug yourself a hole and have to recover ALL that distance!

Now instead, if you move 2 feet AWAY from her, the foam block falls on the floor and she can move 2 feet TOWARD you before the foam block exerts any pressure. Now she's only 3 feet off your chalk line.

That's what you want.

That's why NOT pursuing, NOT having R talks, NOT making suggestive little comments is so important. When you do that, you're compressing the block.

Acc

[nit84]

I like your analogy Acc

[trc2009]

It's funny because my wife and I both regard Valentine's Day as being pretty lame. In the past, we'd give each other cards (funny ones because we're both pretty sarcastic) but neither of us really wanted or expected gifts.

Today, I have no intention of getting her anything (no gifts!). But what happens when I get to work? She was up this morning and posted a video on Facebook that was most definitely geared toward me.

I'm not sure if she did that because it's Valentine's Day or not, but I still appreciate the fact that she did that (she never posts stuff like that on Facebook). Even if I can't reciprocate. Obviously I'd love to, but I feel like I've laid some great groundwork on detaching and focusing on me so far. It's up to her to REALLY initiate the conversation of R. Not just a video on Facebook.

The good news is that when I was over there yesterday we agreed I can stop and pick up our kids Valentine's stuff and we'd give them to them together. And we did it without arguing! Small victories.

[nit84]

Sounds great!! Baby steps are encouraging.