melissa - gotta get back to me

[paul19510]

For some unknown reason, I decided to look at H's match.com profile. He added more photos. Photos THAT I TOOK (during family times that WE spent together), and with MY SON in them.

Am I being overemotional, or is this just disgusting? How can he be so unbelievably selfish? Like our time together meant absolutely NOTHING to him.

I really feel like calling him out for putting my son on match dot f-ing com, but I know he just doesn't give a fvck.

I hate his guts.

I know none of that showed any kind of growth or compassion or whatever blah blah blah . . . I'm just so hurt right now, and it offends me that he sends me emails saying he cares about me when he so obviously cares only about himself.

Gotta finish up the pity party so I can pick up kids at school. I really thought I was through the worst of this, but I can see that's yet to come.

At least I had an hour at the gym with my friends and getting my ass kicked by a trainer. That's about the only hour today that I haven't wanted to drive my car over a cliff (or maybe over my H).

hi M! So sorry you hurt like that. svcks!

Write this one on your hand...and I say it with a smile because I would do this too I think...Note to self, don't bother looking at that anymore. it hurts

point 2, don't bother calling him out on it because then he'll have the satisfaction of knowing you bothered to look for him. Somehow that won't be a good thing.

point 3, go make YOU feel good. Remember the massage, nails...eat fast food 'til it hurts....I dunno.

point 4. you have an ENTIRE UNSUPERVISED WEEKEND with no attachments. Drive it like a stolen car. be free. have fun with friends, yourself, whatever. let some random dude flirt with you and then drop him on his head LOL. Just remember you've got a lot to offer the world. Remember that you are a really cool person and H's opinion on things doesn't count

The other day some random woman started a convo with me. She started kinda flirting. we had a fun chat for a few minutes. Nothing came of it, but it just must have happened because I was in a good place at that moment and it just showed. She picked up on it. W hasn't shown me any real interest in a long time. it felt nice to be human and have someone think I was attractive.

Like I said earlier, do what makes you happy and drive it like its stolen

legal disclaimer: I am not advocating you do anything you don't like or feel completely comfortable with. I am not suggesting you go have a random fling (unless you leave the state first and there's tequila involved...LOL)

Enjoy. Remember we want details I hope this made you laugh a little. We need that around here. the rest of it pretty much svcks

[MamaB]

I like Paul's post! Always make sure there is tequila involved!

Mellisa, I hate to read that you are having a hard time of it today. I understand complely why you are! I agree to stay off of Match, it will only hurt you. So many cyber hugs to you tonight, and cyber tequila.

[melissag]

Thanks, guys. I feel much better now, I think it's because I have my smiling sweet kiddos around - hard not to be happy when they are around. I am so grateful for them and that they are healthy!

I know, I should not be looking at match - the reason I have a few times lately is, I think, because I am trying to convince myself that my H is a selfish so and so . . . that way I won't get sucked in when he plays Mr. Nice I-Still-Care-About-You guy.

I think I am pretty well convinced now.

I am still thinking, but here is what I have come up with so far, with help from posts above.

I need to focus on me. H will do what he will do - I can't control that. Nothing H does is a reflection on me or my worthiness as a human being. I need to deal with H based on what I know about him, and accept that that isn't much. Here is what I know about him:

(1) He doesn't want to be married to me.
(2) He isn't interested (or capable?) of listening to anything I say. I mean, actually listening. Right now he jumps instantly into defense mode.
(3) He cares only about himself, and anything I say or do will just be "extrapolated" from and turned into something that fits the story in his head.
(4) I can't believe anything he says, because (a) he has lied many times over the past four months; and (b) everything he says/does is first and foremost self-serving and I have no idea whether it is even genuine; and
(5) H will never change unless he does the work on himself that he needs to do. I have no idea whether he ever will.

Anyone disagree that these are fair observations about my H?

Anything else about my H (including WHY any of the above are true), is something I need to accept that I do not know and probably never will.

Now, I think that I will give it a few days, and then I will agree to try to negotiate this stuff with my H. With the caveat that I will agree to nothing unless my lawyer has signed off on it. (In fact, I will also get the facts from my L beforehand where I can.) H still needs to get his financial disclosures in to the court (as do I).

I will try to negotiate with my H, simply because for every dollar spent on an attorney, 50 cents of that is my money. Since I am already going to be royally screwed financially, I have zero interest in pissing away any more money.

I will come up with some rules of engagement in my head. i.e., I will not tolerate any guilt, bullying, etc. form him. Also, I know what I want, and I won't settle for less just to be friendly or make him like me.

Also, he is not my friend. I am not going to get sucked into his I'm-so-nice-and-fun-let's-hug crap. I will be friendly to him for the sake of the kids but will give him nothing in the way of emotions. I'm not going to be hanging out with him at basketball games or at his "Dad Pad." I will continue to do TKD and go to S7's basketball games, for my kids. Not for him.

I am not trying to be bitter or vindictive or punish him. I just think that the way he is acting is not the way I want any of my friends to treat me. So, I won't be friends with him.

I'm still fine tuning this, but this is what I am thinking right now.

Just for a little amusement . . . H said he was going to come over to pack the kids' stuff for their trip this weekend. I told him to send a list of what they need to pack, and they could pack on their own. (I didn't want him here, and I figure it's time they learn to do that anyway - and maybe time for H to learn how to write a list too, LOL.) The list he sent does not include pajamas or underwear. Tempted to just give the list to the kids as is . . . .

[LFC1170]

Melissa I empathize with your feelings and struggles

[adinva]

9 and 7 are old enough to learn how to pack. Give them the list as is, and let them get everything out, and then think with them whether there's anything they might need that's not there....

You may need to nudge them toward underwear, but they may think of things they "need" that aren't on the list either.

By the way, I was a scout mom. Pajamas and underwear are completely optional to most men and kids, in my experience.

[2ndTimeHurt]

"Just for a little amusement . . . H said he was going to come over to pack the kids' stuff for their trip this weekend. I told him to send a list of what they need to pack, and they could pack on their own. (I didn't want him here, and I figure it's time they learn to do that anyway - and maybe time for H to learn how to write a list too, LOL.) The list he sent does not include pajamas or underwear. Tempted to just give the list to the kids as is . . . ."


You should totally do that. Actually, your kids would suffer or will they? You don't really need underwear or pjs. Hehe. I say let him screw up. Just this once maybe? Dont intervene just this one time. Who knows, your kids may realise they need underwear and pack it themselves or your h will realise he's a dumbass for forgetting about underwear.

[adinva]

See what I mean? lol

I think there's a little bit of mommy's-way-is-the-only-right-way going on, and that's understandable, but it's not a good place for you to be, not now and definitely not for future relationships.

If by some chance, the kids don't have pj's and have a serious problem sleeping in their t-shirts, H probably lives near a store and will figure out on his own to buy them some pj's. Or not, and the kids won't let him live it down. Or not, and everyone survives anyway.

You're mad for good reason, but you're piling on other stuff that's not really a big deal. H needs to learn on his own what kind of a parent he's going to be to his kids, and he just may be an underwear-forgetting one who still loves them the way only their daddy can.

[bluesgal]

I agree with gabbysmom, M. So sorry that you have this new reality. You have such great support on your threads, you are cared for.

You have been steadfast with your changes. You can be proud that you've held yourself to standards with dignity and class.

[melissag]

I will make sure the kids pack PJs and underwear . . . I just have to entertain myself (in my head) with these little ideas. It's what keeps me sane.

I really need to work on the "that's interesting" idea. My H wants me to watch the spending. Gee, if you didn't spend $3k a month on an apartment, and we didn't have to pay tens of thousands to lawyers, and I didn't need $1000/month in therapy, think of all the money we would have. Those are the kinds of things that pop into my head now . . . and I know they only drive me crazy. I just think that maybe being mad about these things helps me to be more detached? Is that a bad way to go to tide me over until I can be more detached and move on from the anger phase?

I am going to copy my little list above about what I know about H, so I can refer to it whenever I start trying to mind read or ask why. I hate that it's all true, but that goes in the giant heap of "things I can't control."

I think I just need to be very, very careful not to bring up any kind of emotions or feelings (or pointing out what a hypocrite H is), not try to explain or defend anything, and not to respond to any of the "I still care about you," talk, or the accusations or character attacks. I just have to refuse to engage in that at all and focus on the business at hand, whether it be the kids or the D settlement. Anything else I don't think I really need to be talking with him about anyway.

May the force be with me.

[artsy]

You're allowed to be angry! Use it! I think it will help you detach.