Unlearning Conflict Avoidance - 9

[sandi2]

I hope you won't as long as I did to lean how people say ILY. It is leaning the different ways people are actually showing their love, but the OP may not understand b/c it is not in their way (or same language). When you read the book, it should help you understand what I mean. Funny, but most couples I know do express their love differently from their S. But remember Luke, even if it feels awkward to you, the point is to "learn" to speak (demonstrate) the action that the other person translate as ILY. This is another area where you will need to take the lead with your children. And the wonderful part is nobody ever gets too old to want to be loved and shown love.

That is a very good question about travel, sandi2, and what I would do to express my love for D without it. I guess I would answer "spend time with her!" (German has a saying that you love that which you have time for). We had a very nice time, for instance, just she and I, a few weeks ago, at a dumpling restaurant, a meal we agreed to keep secret from my W, co-conspirators.

There are many things I would like to touch on in that paragraph, but I for now, I will try to stick to the subject. You can see just by this one short experience that your D does want to spend quality time with Dad. Is she into cooking? If so, the two of you would have that in common and you could really start a closer R built on that activity. She may not be interested in the cooking, but she had fun with you! And did you know that it makes daughters feel very special when Dad takes her out on a fun date without anyone else. Take that one time and bridge it to another and so on. Don't let too much time escape before having another special father-daughter date. But don't make it the same thing each time. You can be spontaneous and do something silly but she would get a kick out of her Dad cutting up with her.

How else? I used to read to her, but she is older now and it seems out of place (though my W and I read each other Watership Down many years ago, and it was a wonderful experience), plus my W grabbed the reader role a few years ago and I was out.

Does she enjoy reading books, now that she's older? It might be a other subject to link you together. As long as you don't off into boring, deep, or political stuff that most teenager run from. And if she doesn't enjoy reading for herself, you could use that time when you would have been reading to be the time of day or night that is just D & D time (dad & daughter) to share events of the day. Did you use to read to her after she was in bed? I think it would be sweet if you stuck you head in her room for a couple of minutes before she goes to sleep. If you know she had a bad day or something seems to have her down, then you could sit down on the side of bed and look in her eyes when she talks. Be relaxed and just listen. Remember, girls aren't asking to be fixed.......just heard. She wants to know she's valued.

Daughter likes to hug, but I feel like I hold back (should be hugging my W, d%%n it! along with all the corollaries!) and like it is inappropriate for a dad to hug his soon to be 16 year old for too long. This may sound stupid and I am surely not expressing it well, but hugging her seems inappropriately emotional and connecting and vulnerable for me; I don't want to break down in front of her, or have her feel my pain. So I am not sure what to do when we do.

Luke, don't be afraid to put your arms around her. Hugs from her father are never inappropriate to a daughter, no matter how old she gets. She may be have a woman's body (or not), but she needs your hugs just like always. You know the places your hands don't belong! And if you aren't sure, by all means....please ask us. But I think I know what you are asking. Please don't think we will think you are stupid for wanting to know these things, or for wanting to learn how you start to show her affection. Based on your upbringing and your M the past ten years.....I am just so glad to hear you want your R with daughter to grow.

I would suggest you start with small, light pats on her back. Like, when you praise her for something she's done. Pat her back and tell, "great job" (or whatever expression you would use). When either of you start to leave home and won't see each other for a few days, then I would put at least one arm around her shoulders and give a hug good-bye. If it's too emotional right then, try a side by side body hug instead of face to face.

I think one trick to this is not to allow much time to pass by. One reason you fear the emotional break down or the awkwardness is b/c you have gone so long without loving human touch. You don't want her to experience what you endured. So, whether the two of you are acting silly while you're cooking, or it's something else......use everything as a reason to just gently pat her back or give a hug. Then, when she really needs you to just put your arms around her and hold her b/c she's crying, lonely, hurt, or whatever......you will be free of this "thing" that scares you now.

My daddy was raised in a home that did not show physical affection. My mother was just the opposite. When they got M, she literally had to teach him how to hug his own mother. He wasn't the type of daddy to hold me in his lap and read stories when I was little. He didn't even kiss me on the cheek. But he would hug me! He did listen to me. And, right now as I'm writing this to you Luke, I am crying b/c I miss him terribly! He passed away 26 years ago. I knew I was loved.

One more thing. Don't confuse your daughter with your wife. Your W may not need you, but your D does need you. And the advice we have given you about your R with your W is completely different from the R with your D. I have seen a few statements you've made that caused me to believe you think it applies to your children. They don't want to divorce you! You will always be their father.