melissa - gotta get back to me

[melissag]

Thanks, guys. I feel much better now, I think it's because I have my smiling sweet kiddos around - hard not to be happy when they are around. I am so grateful for them and that they are healthy!

I know, I should not be looking at match - the reason I have a few times lately is, I think, because I am trying to convince myself that my H is a selfish so and so . . . that way I won't get sucked in when he plays Mr. Nice I-Still-Care-About-You guy.

I think I am pretty well convinced now.

I am still thinking, but here is what I have come up with so far, with help from posts above.

I need to focus on me. H will do what he will do - I can't control that. Nothing H does is a reflection on me or my worthiness as a human being. I need to deal with H based on what I know about him, and accept that that isn't much. Here is what I know about him:

(1) He doesn't want to be married to me.
(2) He isn't interested (or capable?) of listening to anything I say. I mean, actually listening. Right now he jumps instantly into defense mode.
(3) He cares only about himself, and anything I say or do will just be "extrapolated" from and turned into something that fits the story in his head.
(4) I can't believe anything he says, because (a) he has lied many times over the past four months; and (b) everything he says/does is first and foremost self-serving and I have no idea whether it is even genuine; and
(5) H will never change unless he does the work on himself that he needs to do. I have no idea whether he ever will.

Anyone disagree that these are fair observations about my H?

Anything else about my H (including WHY any of the above are true), is something I need to accept that I do not know and probably never will.

Now, I think that I will give it a few days, and then I will agree to try to negotiate this stuff with my H. With the caveat that I will agree to nothing unless my lawyer has signed off on it. (In fact, I will also get the facts from my L beforehand where I can.) H still needs to get his financial disclosures in to the court (as do I).

I will try to negotiate with my H, simply because for every dollar spent on an attorney, 50 cents of that is my money. Since I am already going to be royally screwed financially, I have zero interest in pissing away any more money.

I will come up with some rules of engagement in my head. i.e., I will not tolerate any guilt, bullying, etc. form him. Also, I know what I want, and I won't settle for less just to be friendly or make him like me.

Also, he is not my friend. I am not going to get sucked into his I'm-so-nice-and-fun-let's-hug crap. I will be friendly to him for the sake of the kids but will give him nothing in the way of emotions. I'm not going to be hanging out with him at basketball games or at his "Dad Pad." I will continue to do TKD and go to S7's basketball games, for my kids. Not for him.

I am not trying to be bitter or vindictive or punish him. I just think that the way he is acting is not the way I want any of my friends to treat me. So, I won't be friends with him.

I'm still fine tuning this, but this is what I am thinking right now.

Just for a little amusement . . . H said he was going to come over to pack the kids' stuff for their trip this weekend. I told him to send a list of what they need to pack, and they could pack on their own. (I didn't want him here, and I figure it's time they learn to do that anyway - and maybe time for H to learn how to write a list too, LOL.) The list he sent does not include pajamas or underwear. Tempted to just give the list to the kids as is . . . .