I'm in, wife's out

[Accuray]

Yes very normal. They want relief from your pursuit, and they believe that if they demonstrate weakness or doubt, you will interpret that as an opening and come rushing back in pushing and pursuing, so they must present a wall to you.

They typically view you as a big emotional dam with too much water behind it, and if they let even a little water over the top or through the cracks, the whole thing is going to come down and sweep them away.

That's why you can't believe their demeanor, it's designed to keep you at bay and give them distance. As long as they perceive you're waiting to pounce, they won't let it down.

That's what GAL and Act-as-If are all about in the book. It's to take them out of your emotional spotlight to make you safe and approachable again.

Here's the analogy I've used with others about pursuit: Draw a chalk line on the ground -- that's your "engaged relationship" line. You are standing on it, and she's standing 5 feet away, and there is a foam block wedged between the two of you.

If you take a step toward her, the foam block compresses and rebounds, and pushes her another foot away. You step closer, same thing happens and she goes another foot away.

If you keep doing it, eventually she's 20 feet away from your chalk line instead of 5 feet away, and you've now dug yourself a hole and have to recover ALL that distance!

Now instead, if you move 2 feet AWAY from her, the foam block falls on the floor and she can move 2 feet TOWARD you before the foam block exerts any pressure. Now she's only 3 feet off your chalk line.

That's what you want.

That's why NOT pursuing, NOT having R talks, NOT making suggestive little comments is so important. When you do that, you're compressing the block.

Acc