So I really stepped in it last night. I broke Sandi2's rule #1. And I knew better, and I did it anyway.
After going to bed, something on the radio triggered me and the thought of cake eating took over. I gave her the "Infidelity is NEVER acceptable" speech. Told her she would never be at peace with herself and get off the pills if she re-engaged the OM. (What in God's name was I doing?)
Which led to her denial yet again, which led to me telling her that it was only a matter of time before news of the A spread and got back to D12.
Which led to her telling me again how she gave and she gave and she's done and it's all my fault.
Which led to me saying that even when you're "done", you have to decide what to do tomorrow. You could accept responsibility, learn from it and try to do better, or you could hold on to anger, destroy yourself and everyone around you.
And that my plan was to take the things she had told me, improve myself, but with the thought that one day we might converge and do an honest assessment of whether we could meet each other's needs.
At this point, I realize I'm adding bricks to the wall, and just trying to shut myself up. I mean, it's what I feel, but I know it's counterproductive.
I had been doing pretty well at detaching while I thought the OM was NC, but an active PA is a big red shiny button for me, apparently.
She slept in the guest room last night, but when I came back up from my early morning workout, she was back in our bed. She has a cold and stayed there in bed all day.
This detaching is hard, especially when you're in the same bed. And again, I think the only reason she is still there is that she is financially trapped right now.
I know this was a setback, who knows how it will manifest.
On the upside, she did mention that she noticed some of the things I have been doing to help around the house (but still too little too late), and I did pick up on some of my behaviors that I could work on or 180. That's me - looking for an upside to this massive screw up.
