Seems I handle drama/stress/spewing BETTER than I handle peace/quiet/calmness. I haven't had much to update in my sitch because I'm still processing some stuff...and am really, really confused.
H, overall, is becoming a WAY different guy than he has been. After 3 years on the night shift, he moved to days this Monday. So, he's finally on a normal schedule. Since Christmas, H is nicer, calmer, more patient...he's more like the guy I knew 2-3 years ago. The guy I forgot existed.
The problem? I don't care. MY attitude is horrible about it. He's making all kinds of steps toward me...and I can't help but pull away...and then, wonder what's wrong with me?
He says he's moved all of his stuff back home...all bags, clothes, etc. (I don't snoop..so not sure...). He *says* he's bought me a V Day present (ironic because he hates that day). He is making more time for the kids. He actually went outside and played baseball with them today!!! When I do calmly address things that need to change (his humor that is condescending toward me, etc.) he really does appear to be working on fixing it...and repeats back to me the things that we talked about. His phone is completely unlocked and not "secret" at all anymore...he is more open about lots of things.
He is becoming more like his pre-MLC stuff. BUT, I am getting so detached that I don't even want to be around him. I've spent all this time hoping he'd come around...wishing for him to get better...and now, that he's showing baby steps...I feel totally lost.
I've recently seen how other men treat their women...and I want more. I don't want to settle anymore for the guy who knocked me up and married me because he felt like he needed to. I want to be with a guy (H or otherwise) who can't live without me.
I want to go places and do things and enjoy my life without this exhausting anchor weighing me down. And that scares me, a lot. I started out this journey wanting nothing more than to save my M. Now? Not sure that's what I want at all.
Thank goodness, as URworthy says often, "I don't have to decide today." And, that is the only thing keeping me sane right now...the reassurance that I don't have to decide anything this moment.
But, I will tell you this...the "new" Ang..she wants a better, healthier, happier life...filled with adventure and love and family and friends and lots of laughs and giggles. No more sad...no more just "existing"....
