Separated and on a Walk

[paul19510]

She sees a lot of the things that I have contact with W about as W now seeing the changes taking a stance for myself (not obsessing over W's opinion per se) just as yet more proof that I am changing, but there's more to come.

not sure I typed this right. My friend sees a lot of my changes and believes that if I am acting this way with W, she sees them too. I am changing the balance of power in my M. W often is unsettled by this and may react in ways that make me uncomfortable. this is because I am used to being the "one down". W didn't respect me there, but wants me to stay where we are both comfortable.

A quote from passionate marriage by David Schnarch..."marriage is a people growing machine." whether or not I stay married to W, I am growing.

One final thought. My friend told me that even 10 years after her divorce and subsequent remarriage to my best friend, her XH still speaks of her (to their kids) as a W. he has never really moved on. It makes her sad and somewhat uncomfortable. If I decide that I can no longer stand here, she said the most loving thing I could do for W would be to tell her two simple sentences when/if I decide to stop trying: "I love you. I'm setting you free from our bond and I hope you have an amazing life." almost the reverse sentiment of the vows we spoke to marry.

She told me that the feeling of being bound to her XH (in his mind) is really uncomfortable at times. She wishes he had done something similar to help her understand that he really wished her well and had no illusions of her remaining as a W to him.

Interesting ideas to ponder. I'm sure people have lots of differing opinions on this, but to me it makes sense. but you really have to mean it if you say it. otherwise, you just make a big mess. I'm not really ready to say these things and I don't need to be right now. just discussing.....