She left - My Story, First Post

[gogofo]

180s I need to do:
- make family a priority over my work
- make time/plan things for us to do - like go to dinner, weekends away, etc.
- listen to when she talks and not give solutions, be emotionally invested in her feelings and life
- be a comforting father to our kids
- spend time doing things with my friends
- make my family and wife my primary job I focus on doing the best at


180s supposed to demonstrate:
- I don't know who I am
- Some of the issues in our M she has stated are:
- I was not there emotionally
- Did not enjoy time spent with her family
- No Romance
- No Date Nights
- No Affection - stopped kissing just to kiss, little to no non-sexual affectionate contact
- Made her nervous when disciplining kids - I had a short fuse for quite a while
- Ignored her, dismissed her opinions/thoughts/ideas
- Do not connect well with her emotionally
- She does not want to live with a roommate - I was doing the majority of the housework while working 70 plus hours a week thinking it was showing love and support (now know this was not what she needed)
- Did not share about my work or stress - tried to be a superman and act like I was doing well so I would not stress her out (now know this did the opposite of what I thought it would)


What she has said or done:
Two weeks into the S, I wanted to take her out for a Saturday night, I said to have fun, and it was honestly my intention. We had not had fun together in a long time. She accepted on a Wednesday. When Saturday came she had an Uncle in town and wanted to go to dinner with him and her family, I was invited but she did not want me there. When I asked why she accepted the date she said that she thought I was not going to stop asking so she better go with me.

About 3 weeks in, we were filling out our calendars and I told her I wanted to take her to lunch on a Wednesday and on a date on a Friday that was 1 week away. She said she did not want to go. When the kids were asleep I asked why no lunch date and she said she did not want to go. She said she was done and wanted a divorce, and her face was angry. I remained polite and calm. We talked a little about us and a little about what happened, but it clearly was causing her pain. It degraded into a heated argument and ended awkwardly.

We agreed on 90% of what was wrong with our R and M but where we go from there was a big difference in opinion. She told me that she wanted a divorce and would have already talked to a lawyer but was waiting for me to get through my emotions. After this I found the DR website the next day and ordered the book.

We had been having dinner together as a family 1 or 2 times a week, this was the last time we did it. This was January 26th.

After reading books I realize that I had underestimated the depth of her hurt and pain. I now know what she meant by saying it was more that the last 6 months, but she is also rewriting our R history.

She has taken most of her clothes, some decorations, cookbooks etc. Now on Monday she wants to gather some other furniture. Knowing who she is, she had planned taking the furniture long ago and wants to do it to complete her plan.


Up until our blow up we had actually talked a little about the M and I thought it was therapeutic. After reading DR, I went into the LRT. At times I text or ask her about her classes, cross country skiing, give her compliments about her looks, etc. Things I would have done that stopped during my stressed out times that broke us.

I realize this is an eagerness and I need to be patient. When I read the DR and other books I get into the parts that deal with reconciliation and get excited and motivated.