So here are some changes, "not in a bad way", since last post...
I have dimmed down a bit. No freakin' puppy here. I know she can tell when I am observing, looking for something too much. So I haven't. And it hasn't been too difficult with all the work I have going on, people calling in sick, etc. And band practice and learning the songs in between. I am wiped when I get home so no head space for watching too much. Thankfully.
However, there are a couple few things that jump out...
--She called me and has been shredding a bunch of old stuff and she found bank statements from the past 5-6 year's from before I went online only in 2012.
She said she was just floored by what she spent, saying "what was I thinking?" And that it really wasn't all me like she has told herself, in a lot of things.
She thanked me again for taking on all the responsibility and keeping everything together through "all this", how strong I was and am....
--She is cleaning and organizing, de-cluttering like crazy...I heard her going through notes and journal entries...the whir of the shredder filling the house..."omg" shred, "crazy", shred , etc from the other room. And things from then are disappearing into donation bags (I am assuming that one there, benefit of the doubt and all, lol).
--Oh, and tonight she moved off the couch and into S3's room to sleep, kind of the reverse of moving out of the MBR into S3's room, then the living room so long ago. The LR is looking like it might be open to everyone soon, again.
--I swear she is looking at me differently, something there has changed, but who knows. Maybe I am just over-tired.
--Her vocal tone and demeanor has changed, I hear a lot of the inner W again. I like talking to her on the phone again. Not as stressful, more balanced sounding.
Just interesting as heck to me, but I am still in same spot and mode. Still dimmer for now. Still on my plan.
I've seen cycles like this before, so, shields up, but open...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
And as far as the things I told her I want to see, the one that is the hard boundary, THE hill to die on, is the OM/looking for "True Love" mindset thing. Done with that.
The rest are "would likes" and "wants" sooner rather than later.
Got some really helpful advice from some women on maybe how women would go about returning. I am still working through what I want to see, how this plays out for me when I can. I have time, no hurry.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T, She is shedding the mlc skin layer by layer. She's moving along nicely and I realize it may get old after a while...but I see lots of progress here, i.e., from both of you.
T, dig deeper for patience and continue to be your authentic self. I think you've done great the entire time w/being a very patient and compassionate man. Continue as you have been because whatever you are doing is working in many ways.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Agreed. And get some sleep! You'll wear out if you aren't taking care of yourself.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
A quick update for those who are curious to see how things look after the "MLC'er, I'm just about done" speech, and for journalling purposes.
My life is good, just about all things going well, still wish I had a 48 hour day or something, but I just keep bulldozing through the needful. It's what I do.
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W has started initiating a couple/few small things like texting "sending u a hug", and she is on a cleaning, sorting and organizing de-cluttering campaign still.
Funny story (to me at least), this weekend, taking W her lunch that she forgot. So she notices that I notice there is no ring on her finger, but on a different one. I go and shop a few minutes, see if any treasure cookware, camping gear or tools.
She bee-lines it to me to explain that the ring she chose was too big for that finger, etc. Wanted to make sure I didn't think "anything"...she should have used tape to keep it on, etc...
She has worn the ring since shortly after BD#3, basically since May 1 last year...sometimes she will wear a different ring, but on that finger, depending on mood and outfit.
I did think, for about 3 minutes, that if it was so important to "check-in" with me, that she paused training a new person to do so, then maybe just get it over with and recommit and we can get on with life already... 3 minutes of antsy, then back to all systems nominal to profile.
Ms Frugal wouldn't have me drive across town when she could go to a store 2 blocks away. Testing maybe...figuring out if she broke the parts of me she actually liked, lol!
When she thanked me for it again this evening, I just said, "That's what I do" and walked away back to my business.
It's all just "interesting" now, and I think back 2 years ago how I would have hung on something like that ^^^ looking for signs of reconciliation. Now it is just a possibility in the realm of possibilities, some good, some not so good, most neutral.
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I was thinking this weekend while prepping food, how I felt way back at BD. I couldn't imagine loving another woman, that it would ever feel "right". Or be as intense or as satisfying, etc.
I know that is no longer true. Once I figured out "that" I actually loved myself, and "how to", I have found that my capacity to love is expanded exponentially.
I can love and be happy with someone else, because I love, and am happy with myself, now.
And if we do manage to start a new R, we are different, "new", people now...
Thank you W's MLC.
I wouldn't be the man I am without it.
And I kinda like that guy, now.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
