Take the bed pal. Too bad for her. Take the bed. She can't have it all. Don't be a doormat anymore. Take control of your own life. I don't think legally you can kick her out of the house. Don't get confrontational or she will find a reason to get you kicked out...it's an old trick. Just wear a halo, but hold your ground. She is cake eating. Tell her she can leave if she wants, politely and walk away. Look after your boy. He needs you especially if mom is not 100% focussed on him.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Thank Floyd, Several people have said the same thing as you. I do need to stand up for myself.
So this morning she was very Pi$$ed off at me. I politely asked her Are you ok? She didnt even look at me and said, Just Frustrated...... "Just Frustrated". I said do you want to talk about it, which she replied No not now. I then said Im sorry you feel that way and If you want to talk later let me know. Then right before I left I said goodbye and I hope she feels better. She didnt respond or look at me.
I know she wants out and is DONE, but its so hard to accept. I feel that I need to walk on egg shells so that she might want to R. Im still hurting so much and I know she will turn this around on me and make me feel even worse.
You know whats sad and I cant believe Im about to admit this? Im afraid to stand up to WAW. :-(
Why am I feeling so guilty right now? She's the one who wants out and is texting/possibly seeing OM.
Last thing. I knew I shouldn't have, but couldn't help it. I snooped with the phone records and there were 77 messages between WAW and OM last night between 8:40 and 10:40. I knew she was texting him as she was trying to tell me that I was being an A$$.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Hola OneDay - we should start a "can't stand up to the WAW" club, you and I.
Perhaps it is worth analyzing exactly what you are afraid of. I used to be depressed (for an entirely different reason) and found that cognitive behavioral stuff helped me. Perhaps there is a similar path for Fear Of Wife Syndrome.
I'd be glad to list what I think are some background reasons that lead to FOW if you find it helpful. Perhaps we can pop those balloons together.
I wouldn't snoop - it only hurts you in my experience.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Hi Guys... I totally understand. I lived a life like that, constantly walking on egg shells trying to please him.. A few months ago, I made the decision (finally) to accept that we were broken up and he was miserable and I wasn't going to let it affect me any further. I was encouraged by many to stand up to him.. I was scared to death that standing up for myself was going to send him over the edge and be DONE, DONE, DONE, with me....forever. Boy, was I wrong!!
It turns out that it is an attractive feature, my therapist insisted I become attractive. He began to look at me in a different way. I am not the lost desperate woman hanging on his pantleg, anymore. How unattractive is that? THIS is how you guys are appearing!!! Do you know how much you are working AGAINST yourself?
I now make it a daily effort to not fear the outcome. Stand up and value myself. Stand behind my word, thought, decision, etc. and mean it! To STOP making my self worth conditional on other people.
It has made the difference. He no longer has a puppet that will do as told. They don't appreciate that anyway (taken for granted). He is interested in the new magic, who does not stand for his crap & calls him out on it.
Its true... We do teach others how to treat us.
We went for mediation the other day, and out of that reconcilliation has become a possible option at this point.
You have to decide if you REALLY want your relationship? If you do, you really don't want to be in one that requires you to be on eggshells... do you? You deserve better. So decide if your new relatiohship will be on eggshells or not? Start at this point.
Magic
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Don't worry about W feelings. Did she care that you weren't feeling well?
Detach, That is a way to stop walking on egg shells.
If you feel afraid of your WAW she will sense this, you will be projecting those feelings to her.
A strong man is what she is looking for, not one who she knows will be there for a safety net.
I have a hard time with this also, you are not alone.
There are ways to stand your ground and not be argumentative or confrontational.
You asked if she want to talk, she said not now, that means give her her space.
Do not ask again that would be pressuring/pursuing. If she wants you to know why she is upset she will tell you. If this happens LISTEN and VALIDATE and EMPATHIZE.
The WAW will find fault in everything you do that is just the script they follow.
Our script as LBH is to GAL, validate and empathize. The more she feels you don't need her and you will be fine without her is when the possibility of R is highest IMHO.
She knows you love her don't worry about pulling back. It is what you need to do for YOU
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Thanks Nit84 (its a huge leap of faith..my fingers are crossed)... and I agree with your post above...
"Our script as LBH is to GAL, validate and empathize. The more she feels you don't need her and you will be fine without her is when the possibility of R is highest IMHO."... at the very least you will feel respected and respect yourself.... THIS IS ATTRACTIVE!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Thank you everyone, I need all the support I can get right now.
makingmagic, your so right. I am being her puppet and she knows it. There are other I should be standing up for that I haven't mentioned. I need to do it, and I need to do it TONIGHT.
Originally Posted By: nit84
There are ways to stand your ground and not be argumentative or confrontational.
This is what Im worried about. I know that I will come off as confrontational. I will try my hardest to be calm, but she is the master at turning things around on me and before I know it, Im lost and confused.
Here's how I would start this conversation. What do guys think. W, Do you have minute? I need to talk to you. I wanted to let you know that I will no longer rotate the sleeping arrangements with you and that I will be sleeping in the bed from now on.
At this point she will be fuming and telling my how awful Im am.
I then come back with, Im sorry you feel that way, but you've made it perfectly clear where you stand in this relationship and if you dont like you can leave?
I dont know. Is that confrontational?
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
not a pro... sounds pretty good to me... EXCEPT for the ultimatum.
Try: "Im sorry you feel that way, I am clear where you stand in this relationship."....use "i" statements
I dont like the "if you dont like it you can leave" part. In your head you can be saying... "if you dont like it, too bad"
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
OneDay, I had a similar conversation with my W just this past weekend. We had been taking turns staying at the house for the kids sake (and as I came to realize- to make things easier for W). Several members of this forum gave me the courage to speak up for what I wanted and stood for.
I asked W if she had a minute to talk. Told her that I had agreed to our living arrangements in the beginning because I felt that it gave both of us the time/space we needed, however I had recently decided that moving back to the house 7 days a week was what I wanted and what I felt was best for the kids. I wasn't forcing her to stay or move out- that was her decision. She was of course upset and tried to turn it back around on me, but I kept calm.
I would take a similar approach- it's up to her whether she sleeps in the bed or not, but that you've decided that that is what you want to do. My W was very upset at first (and still is), but I felt very comfortable with my decision and actually feel less stressed. Good luck!
