Wishing You Were Here and then Setting It On Fire

[Notlikingthis]

Portia, My late night buddy! I've been MIA for awhile but I'm back catching up now.

I'm happy to see that you are doing well for the most part. This is difficult to say the least and even though it doesn't seem to get too much easier in a hurry, we can gage our progress by going back 6 months, a year or 18 months and see how far we've come.

I'm with you Portia, PM and Bright. Wishing them happiness isn't easy. I do wish for him to be happy but with limits. HA! Happy without ow would be okay but happy with her, not! Right now I'm of the belief that if we get to that point where we wish them happiness WITH the ow then we'll know that we've truly moved on. I'm not ready to do that yet.

It's good to see that you've left the door cracked open. He may be one of the ones that does come back from Fantasyland and reconnects. After reading here now for over a year, I've determined that none of us can predict which ones will and which won't.

[ericmsant2]

Portia

Just caught up on your thread...not much to add except one thing stood out that I felt I could respond to.

When am I done like a well done steak, done?

Stop looking for that "moment". IMO, it does not happen that way. I believe that living your life, the way you are RIGHT now, is the way to go. For me, I kept searching for that "moment". It never came that way. Then one day it really hit me...i was done and apparently had been for a while. It just did not hit me the way that you are expecting it. Now maybe that is just how it was for me. I dunno.

I can still remember it ...Something happened that made me think of XW (not even sure what it was) but I stood looking at myself in amazment...I felt very different. That is when it hit. I was done. It was about as big of an 'ohh..I'm done moment - yet it was not that big. I remember saying..."wow - I was done a while ago and never really even realized it". It was then that I understood.....

Understood...that is just "happens". No big "bang" per se..i just happens.

I had been living for ME...for a while...SHE really did not matter. It did not matter if she called, texted, didn't call, didn't text. I really was just busy putting myself back together that i never gave her much thought anymore.

I am not sure if this helps.

Finally, just wondering...are you the same Portia from years ago. I believe you were pregnant at the time of the bomb drop. Are you that same Portia?

Eric

[Portia]

Bright, you are right. The time between contacts is getting longer and longer. There really isn't even a sitch anymore, just a big nothing. Last time he texted, well over a month ago now, it was a comment about the weather. I don't have a clue what he is doing or not doing. Sometimes I feel I should drop him a text but I don't.

Pud, thank you for the compliment and advice. I am feeling very stressed these days which is not good for the PMA. I am trying to deal with that by adjusting some of my habits, trying to reach a healthier frame of mind.

NLT , I caught you on your thread before my own. I would like to think that Skippy will eventually come out of the tunnel, for his own sake. Whether or not that means I will ever know is an entirely different question. We go through these long periods of nothing. He called me in November and I was not as enthusiastic as he expected. I haven't seen him in over a year now.

The last thread is in one hand and the scissors in the other, except I haven't cut yet.

Eric, very nice of you to stop by. Nope, different Portia. I never had children. I appreciate you description of being done. It makes so much sense! Like detaching. I didn't realize I was until I WAS, if that makes sense. Not a huge moment but a small part of the journey as a whole.

I have probably repeated myself a million times but I am try astonished at long it takes to heal. And that almost twenty months later, I still do want to hear from him.

[beatrice]

Portia - getting 'over it' takes a terribly long time. In one sense we don't, as I think this type of dismissal and betrayal is peculiarly hurtful. But we get better, and stronger, and it ceases to matter as much.

The wanting to hear from them - I so get that. That was me for a longish period. All I can say is now I would prefer not to hear from my xh. To say 'I do not want to hear from him', makes it sound more extreme than it is. I would simply prefer a life with him wholly gone. For my children's sake I would like him to settle with them, but as for me - too much time and water passing under bridges. Which is terribly sad for us both. All so unnecessary.

Like Eric says there isn't a moment when we are 'over' this, but there are moments when we realise how far we have come and how little our x partners matter to us on a day to day basis.

But it does take time - and there is evidence which suggests that on average, women take longer to heal from this than men do. Clearly this is an average, but it might help explain why there are so many more women here than men.

[job]

Portia,
How are you doing these days? Bea speaks the truth because there isn't one magical moment that says you are done. Getting to the point of being done is like peeling an onion for me. The layers of hurt and pain had to be peeled away little by little and it took a long time to do so. However, once the layers were peeled away and I was molding myself and my new life into something that I was happy with, I suddenly realized that I was finished. My life had taken off and I could see the horizon once again w/o dread of the phone calls or emails or the crazy stuff my xh would do. Now, when we have contact, he's just a person that I knew and the pain/hurt isn't there any longer and I can look at him just as I do anyone else on the street.

Let me just say this, I forgave him, but I will not forget the way he behaved or the things he said to me and about me...but that stuff doesn't bother me now at all. I have learned to consider the source.

Portia, in time, you'll get even stronger and will be able to heel from this experience. Yes, it's hurtful and the way that they go about it makes it even worse, but there's no way of getting around this experience, but to go through it and come out the other side. Right now, you are still very close to the eye of the storm, even if he's not be in touch much...but once you've gotten to the other side, you'll look back on the experience and see just how odd the situation was w/him and you'll truly come to realize that you are stronger than you think and he truly was lost.

[ericmsant2]

Portia

The last thread is in one hand and the scissors in the other, except I haven't cut yet.

Any you do not have to cut it. You just need to keep focused on this….

trying to reach a healthier frame of mind.

Portia….please allow me to ask you a question. One that I hope you will ponder for a while.

What does being done look like to YOU? Describe it? What do you think you will feel? What do you expect to happen once you are “there”?


Job,

Thank you for this quote…. It really resonated with me. Replace “he” with “her” and that describes exactly how I feel. I will not forget. Although often times the say is forgive and forget. I do not believe that “forgetting” happens. I do agree that you can forgive, you can understand…but forget – nah.

I forgave him, but I will not forget the way he behaved or the things he said to me and about me...but that stuff doesn't bother me now at all.

[BrightFuture]

Speaking about forgiveness, here is an interesting quote. Something to think about.
“Love manifests towards those whom we like as love; towards those whom we have problems with as forgiveness” – Inayat Khan

Portia, I’m like you, surprised how long it takes to heal. I thought I would be done by now. I find it easier to stay in no contact these days. When I think I’m doing good and moving on, H contacts me and the whole process is interrupted. This is how I feel at the moment. I almost wish that he would leave me alone, so I could complete the process. And then I get scarred that he will not contact me again.

I think for you (and me) there is another round of detaching, if you can call it this. The first was when they leave and you get used to the void in your life. Then they appear in your life again, with touch and go, and you have a hope that they might be coming out of it and realizing they made a mistake. When this happens you go through another round of a different kind of detaching. At least this is how I see it. So, eventually you are done with this as well, at least I hope I will be.

[Portia]

Eric - What does done look like to me?

I know exactly what it looks like to me:

Done is when I don't care if he contacts me at all...right now, I still want him to reach out
Done is when I do not want to reach out to him
Done is when I no longer think of him everyday
Done is when I am no longer so ANGRY at what he did
Done is when I am no longer hurt by the things he did
Done is when I can truly think of him as "someone I used to know"

Bright actually describes me in her post as well - I am fine when he does not contact, or at least I am moving my life along. But when he appears out of the blue (and for me, it really is out of the blue, it is so long between contacts) but when he does contact, I can't help but think, maybe.... Done is when I don't think maybe, done is when I think "whatever".

What Bright says makes sense to me, too. That first we detach and learn to live life without them. But the second stage is the stage where nothing they do affects our feelings at all. Appears neither of us are quite there yet.

Bea and Job, thank you both for sharing your experiences. I admire you both for who you are and what you have accomplished and sincerely thank you for your input. I WAS waiting for that magic done moment. But I guess time is the answer. I am tired of this cloud that seems to hang over me. It is not as dark as it was, expecially in the beginning, but it is still there.

Done is when there is no hope of reconnecting. Done seems like a great place to be because despite everything, I still have that hope. Very, very little, but it is still there. I don't want to have it anymore but I cannot seem to quash it.

Job, I am doing well these days, if a little stressed - life is just busy. But otherwise, I am bumping along. Thank you for asking.

[LoisB]

Portia,

Thanks for writing the above. You condensed and beautifully expressed exactly how I feel right now.

Thank you.

Done like a well done steak.

What's in the cloud? Sadness? Disappointment?

For me, I think it's just feeling tired of things being so hard. I can't say I've let go of the anger completely. I feel angry when I think about how hard this man made my life. But, that sounds like a victim. IDK.

Love to you,

Heather

[ericmsant2]

Portia,

Very nicely written.

Another question -

Do you think that someone could be done today and then not done tomorrow?