Feeling crappy this morning . . . woke up and immediately remembered that 12 years ago tonight my H and I were on the beach in CA and he was telling me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
Ha!
Fast forward to today. I don't have the slightest idea who my H is.
I don't know if he is a good guy, or an [censored], or a conniving jerk, or just completely clueless, or what. I just know that I can't trust a single thing that comes out of his mouth, or any of his actions. I can't believe that we are in a place where I have to be suspicious when he hugs me. I have spent the past few days back on H's roller coaster because I don't understand him, and can't figure him out. And I think this may be the worst part about everything. That I can't trust him . . . he's someone I don't even know. He looks like him. And he talks like him. And when he is nice like him . . . I can't believe him.
Sigh. So I know what I need to do. I need to just leave it be. I have no idea who he is or what he is doing, and there is nothing I can do to make him be the person I thought he was/want him to be. I have to treat him as someone I don't know and don't trust. (Ouch, that really hurts.)
And I need to go back to focusing on me. I just feel so blah right now - I feel like I have gone back in time three months, when I was forcing myself to GAL.
Given that I am going to get D whether I like it or not, I know what I want/need in the process, with respect to parenting time and money/assets. I just need to figure out how to work these things out without paying lawyers a billion dollars, without making things ugly, but without allowing my H to run the show. I just keep wanting to talk to him, like my H, so we can figure things out. But I know I can't.
OK, so - back to me. Last night was my second meeting for a group I joined - it's actually a self-empowerment class for women going through transitions - and that was really great. Just to have that connection with other women and the community is really helpful. I think I will probably end up being friends with at least a few of the women.
Today I'm going to go to the gym with my girlfriends, run some errands, and then get Valentine's Day stuff ready for my kids. My Mom is coming over. Honestly, I would prefer to do this stuff on my own, but she is in town, my Dad is not, and she has been pretty pushy about spending time with me. So I will try to just be open minded and hope she acts normal.
Then I've got TKD with the kids (no H, thank goodness). H is taking the kids out of town tomorrow night until Monday night, which I hate, but I will try to use the time to catch up on some organizing projects around the house and taking care of me.
I just wish I had a can of PMA I could crack open . . . mine seems to be all tapped out. I think I need to go write another gratitude list.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
