Perspective - The Reality of the Trip

[RealityTrip]

I had an expectation and I got schooled.

I know my W knows I put my wedding ring back on. I also know that the one time we talked about it she said she wasn't wearing hers because I wasn't. At that point in time she said, "go get them, we'll wear them again." I didn't. I wasn't sure of my feelings on it. Then as a week went by I determined my feelings, which I posted the other day, and put my ring on for me.

I know wife has seen me wearing it, so when she came to pick me up for lunch yesterday prior to her IC session, I immediately scanned her finger for the sparkly, lil' b*tch. And guess what... nope. Not wearing it.

Of course she's not RT! You dingbat. What are you? 3 days post BD? You know better than to set expectations on your fragile, 4 month post-affair, piecing, vulnerable marriage.

Interesting. Changes to the way I approach all of my relationships have developed and grown out of my DB education and processing, but it's never really a course you finish or a test you pass. It's a life commitment to myself. To continue to challenge the way I communicate, the expectations I place on others or set for myself. Critical thinking. I'm really good at it, but I'm human and my heart sometimes runs away with the microphone to karaoke it's way through the day when I'm not looking.

[paul19510]

cool post RT! I think I would felt the same. We are only human. you have hopes and expectations. I guess we just have to keep our expectations reasonable and in line with our current life circumstances. It sounds like things are moving along for your in any event. I am happy for you and I hope for your continued success.

[labug]

I had an expectation and I got schooled.

I know my W knows I put my wedding ring back on. I also know that the one time we talked about it she said she wasn't wearing hers because I wasn't. At that point in time she said, "go get them, we'll wear them again." I didn't. I wasn't sure of my feelings on it. Then as a week went by I determined my feelings, which I posted the other day, and put my ring on for me.

I know wife has seen me wearing it, so when she came to pick me up for lunch yesterday prior to her IC session, I immediately scanned her finger for the sparkly, lil' b*tch. And guess what... nope. Not wearing it.

Of course she's not RT! You dingbat. What are you? 3 days post BD? You know better than to set expectations on your fragile, 4 month post-affair, piecing, vulnerable marriage.

Interesting. Changes to the way I approach all of my relationships have developed and grown out of my DB education and processing, but it's never really a course you finish or a test you pass. It's a life commitment to myself. To continue to challenge the way I communicate, the expectations I place on others or set for myself. Critical thinking. I'm really good at it, but I'm human and my heart sometimes runs away with the microphone to karaoke it's way through the day when I'm not looking.

Being able to have perspective and take a long look at our actions is so valuable.

I said something to my son a few nights ago that seemed completely innocuous on it's surface but it had shade. I was saying it to guilt him a little and he didn't deserve that. My insecurity leaked out.

It's so hard to move from our conditioning, but we'll never do it unless/until we can see ourselves with a critical (as in analysis) but loving, eye.

And as my IC reminds me, these are steps in a process, and it is a process, drop the timeline.

[RealityTrip]

What my W is missing about her xAP.

Friendship
A confidant
Someone who isn't judging her

I've been thinking on these things because in order to move forward, I need to be able to try to meet all of my W's needs again.

So on the way to lunch, I made the simple comment to her that I was glad she was able to see her IC yesterday. I told her that I know she doesn't have a lot of outlets or listening ears in her life at the moment. She readily agreed and it's been difficult for her. I told her that outside of being her W, that I wanted to be here to listen for her. To try to help her sort out her stuff if she needed me and that I would do my best but I would let her know if it was too much at any given time and we would pause. She said thanks.

Ok. fair enough. She knows I am willing to try.

And then....

After shopping and laughing, we were at lunch and the conversation steered into her IC and her therapist, how much she liked her (it's the 4th one she's tried) and this is a good fit, yada, yada, yada, and then W started to opened up with a story about xAP.

In my head, 82 DB'ing 2x4's hit me at once with a resounding "STFU! and listen!"

So I did...

W: Ya know how xAP has always been a little "different" seeking out odd things?

M: ah-hah, I remember

W: Well, do you know what Amago? AmIgo? something like, that therapy is?

M: I don't

W: Well, she made me go to that a few times.

M: What was is like?

W:I have no idea! (laughing)

M:(laughing) Way to be present!

W: I know right?!? (both laughing)

And then we kept talking and I smoothly transitioned the conversation into one about the psychology class I am taking.


Note: Of course now I know she meant Imago Therapy, and I am finding it weirdly and pleasantly amusing that within the 3 months they lived together the xAP became the nagging, fill-in wife that got to see my W uninterested and deflective on a therapists couch. I hope my W threw in the old tried and true "I don't know." At every question asked. LOL!!!

But come on xAP... Imago Therapy for an affair relationship with a married woman? ROFL!!! What were you thinking? Oh! That your relationship was legit. Nice try.

W just emailed me a funny joke between us. All in all, Good interactions today. Laying off tonight. Gonna let it be.

[RealityTrip]

And as my IC reminds me, these are steps in a process, and it is a process, drop the timeline.

I know Bug!!! I have got to stop placing "time" expectations on our progress! I asked myself earlier, "Self, how do you even know how long this is supposed to take? You've never healed this type of wound before."

[Wonka]

RT,

STFU is a gem, isn't it. When we STFU, our spouses turn on like a faucet and all types of info come streaming right outta their mouths. Your W is trusting you with snippets about XOW and not have you jump down her throat with judgmental rants.

Good job!

[RealityTrip]

I am in a dangerous space. Teetering on a spin. Trying to control and evaluate the intense range of emotions that I am experiencing. In short. It's Valentine's. This morning was good. Coffee and cuddles. This afternoon we were running errands and playing a game... a trivia game. Asking each other different questions. It was cute. Getting to know each other as two completely different and new people from this experience. We were laughing and in the midst of so many wonderful memories from our marriage. My W had just talked about our wedding day. As we were reading the questions back and forth I was also using her phone that she handed me to read the map on google to the location we were headed...

"You've got mail"

The email icon runs across the top of the phone and it's from xAP titled "Goodbye for now"

Wife is a wreck. I am stunned. She starts to admit that they emailed back and forth yesterday. xAP wanted to tell her that her dog has cancer. But of course W has deleted the emails and was "going to tell me."

And after our appt. we sit in the car and she reads the email first then hands me the phone to read it.

xAP giving my W love and sending her on her journey and hopes she can find her way to make the changes to be who she wants to be.... And if my W can never find the strength to break free from whatever it is that is holding her there (with me) that , well then she hopes my W can make the best of where she's at.

Then she included some love poem about henna rings and how they are bound to one another in their hearts.(which my W admits they got henna rings at a party once and it did have a significance to them) Maybe they will find a way to be together in this life and if not, then maybe in another. Oh... and she loves my W.

Cut to... a really long talk. Super long. Tear filled but no fighting. Then I called a moratorium on the subject. We pulled it together and finished our errands. After all... we have a Valentine's date tonight.

Just as we agree to put it behind us, my W's phone gets a text from xAP and W shows it to me. She said, "My dog is gone. He just stopped breathing here at home. No need to respond. I hear you."

We sat there. W wanted to respond. I just sat there. W texted xAP back and said, "I am so sorry to hear."

Right now I feel an overwhelming urge to cry and feeling of hopelessness. Will the A ever really be over? There is so much more that was said between me and wife today but I don't have time or the energy to type it all right now.

I am trying to not react. I am trying to stay in the calm and recover our Valentine's Day.

I'm here on the board to release it. So I can pick it up later and process what it all means to me later.

I am:
Mad
Sad
Angry
Hurt
Aggravated
P*ssed Off
Over it
Done
In love
Married
Confused
Directionless
Tired

I am pausing.

[brando1]

I'm definitely new here so I don't even know if you can trust my advice. What I would do at this point is ground yourself. Some deep breathing techniques and work on calming your emotions due to the loss of control (contact with OW). Your W is still with you right? Show her you're the better option. Calm those emotions that turn you into a train wreck and show confidence.
Perhaps re-establish a boundary of no contact with OW tomorrow after today goes well?

Whenever in doubt, I go back to Sandi2's 37 rules, but it always helps to hear you're doing the right thing.

[Wonka]

RT,

Arrrgh! This is one of those fits and starts in the piecing process. It only takes one thing for XOW to contact W and off they go on text o rama.

xAP giving my W love and sending her on her journey and hopes she can find her way to make the changes to be who she wants to be.... And if my W can never find the strength to break free from whatever it is that is holding her there (with me) that , well then she hopes my W can make the best of where she's at.

Then she included some love poem about henna rings and how they are bound to one another in their hearts.(which my W admits they got henna rings at a party once and it did have a significance to them) Maybe they will find a way to be together in this life and if not, then maybe in another. Oh... and she loves my W.

Chit! This is one way that the XOW will to do suck back W emotionally by playing on their emotions based on the things they did during the A. It brought back memories of my most recent XGF, not Ms. Wonka. When I look back, I realize that it took me a while to get to the place of where I was completely over XGF. Untangling oneself from the XOW, especially if they've been friends for over 20 years, is a messy and confusing process.

My suggestion is to focus on HVD and let this marinate in your heads for some time before taking any action. Since W has been back home in October, I would think you might want to bring up a strong NC convo with W and state your boundary. To me, I think W does need to make a clean break with the XOW once and for all. Otherwise, W will continually be sucked back in XOW's sphere when she brings up some long ago memory of their A.

You'll need move a bit further in order to arrive at a place to be able to do this emotionally instead of feeling raw and tender. Give this time. I would urge you to ask that W attend a solution-oriented, Gottman based MC therapy for I think you two are wobbly and need some professional help in recovering from the A.

I am so sorry that all of this happened....sort of like mini-bombs going off here and there.

I hope tonight's movie is something that you both will enjoy! HVD to you!

[artsy]

Oh, RT. How horrible. I'm sorry you had that experience.

I know you still have info to give us about your conversation with W after the text, but I don't see any reason xOW's phone number and email can't be blocked so she can't contact. Just throwing my .02

Hang in there, and hopefully you can salvage this day in the end!