Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

Backsliding a little on myself this morning. Maybe it is because of V-day idk.

I am doing the recommended reading that my DB coach told me to.

Very good books, Learned a lot but now I am sad because I really have no good way on implementing these ideas. If my W just would talk with me just a bit more I think it would make a world of difference in my mood. I don't need constant conversation just some normal conversation so I don't feel that I am this horrible person. I know that W will probably still find fault with me but I could validate those feelings. Now I just think the W is so full of anger because I moved back and wrecked her "cushy" life. I did this for myself and knew W would be unhappy about it but I thought after wading through her minefields of criticism and contempt she would lighten up a little.


I mean I am doing as much as I can without upsetting the apple cart with my W.

It just feels like I should be doing something else besides what I am trying.

I guess these ideas will come out in future DB sessions. I am just on the rollercoaster of patience vs no patience.

In some ways, I think the W notices the changes in me. This puts her in an uncomfortable position because who would have known this negative, nasty, controlling, smothering person who she came to hate and resent would work on changing himself. That is all she ever wanted but never came right and told me that is what she needed. My fault for not knowing that the person I had become was ruining my M to the woman I loved. I know it is past and I can't do anything about it now. I just wish I was a strong enough person back then to admit to my W that I think our M was in trouble and we or even just I needed to do something about it.

Don't get me wrong I am not totally at fault but feel that if I was proactive in an approach the W might have been receptive to MC idea.

I am not positive because I haven't asked recently. She has mentioned in the past that maybe she needs to see someone to figure some things out about who she is and what she wants. Maybe we could save our M. Then she backpedals on her own thoughts for some reason.

She has no money and no insurance so unless she asks me or someone for help that isn't happening right now.

Could the fact that I am doing all these things that are helping me immensely be upsetting her and making her withdraw from me even more because she actually wants to also do some of this but would need to show some vunerability to me or others in asking for help?