Mid March is the target. Hope we can put it together.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Calling all dbers… I need a little parental advice.
My D (Toria) who is 12 and will be 13 is having an issue in school that she expressed today.
Background: Toria who is on some level a follower, has been spending time texting one of the girls in her class. Whom FTR, I am not particularly fond of. The little girl is not a bad kid per se but her parent and I have very different parenting styles. The little girl (I’ll refer to this little girl as “P”) has a LOT more freedom than I allow Toria. As a result Toria clings to that and continues to try and be like the girl. The other friends that Toria has that have been in her life, are a little more naive and although they are friends – they are not in the same class. Over the past few years, P has treated Toria like crap. Last year, Toria decided to defriend her only to rekindle the friendship. Also, my ex has no problems with P or her parents (you knew that was coming). So when Toria is with my X, she spends time with P. When Toria is with me, she spends time with the other friends.
Hopefully, I’ve provided enough background….so here is my issue.
Last night Toria was texting P – all night with the exception of when I took her to dance class. Fast forward to this morning… I wake Toria up so that she can get ready for school. She is very moody – quiet a little distant. I ask if she is okay. She says yes. Stays in her room texting.
Just as we are about to leave…Toria comes downstairs – she is crying. I ask her what is wrong. She says Dad can I stay home. My initial thought was…. Okay it finally happened…it must be that “time” for women has finally happened to my little girl. That was not the case. When I asked her why she wanted to stay home and why she was crying she said that she is being bullied at school. I ask her how..and can she tell me what is going on. She keeps crying and says that P has told a lie to all of Toria friends and they believe it. The lie apparently has something to do with Toria “liking” P’s boyfriend (another example of why I am not fond of P). I ask, is it true? Toria says no. All the while Toria phone is ringing off the hook. I go to answer it and Toria says no please don’t. She asked again, can I stay home from school.
She begs me to not call the school. Asks me to not call P.
I tried to DB Toria to an extent – validating, etc. I try to ask Toria what she thinks she would like to do. She says just stay home. I explain to Toria that, staying home is not going to solve the issue. She starts crying harder. Please daddy…please can I just stay home today. I agree.
I know that bulling is a big issue these days. That said, I do not want to fix this for Toria but I am really not sure what to do. I asked Toria if she had spoken to her mom about it. She said she has not. I asked her if she planned to. She said no and asked me not to saying anything to her mom about it. So…
Any suggestions?
Do I speak to her mom about it? I have NC with the mom and on one hand I do not want to break Toria’s confidence – on the other hand, as a parent I feel her mom should know. FTR, the last time something like this happened with the boys – my ex took the opportunity to use it against me – hence my reluctance to involve my ex. I feel that Toria should have confidence to share things with me. Telling my ex breaks that confidence.
Do I call the school?
Could this just be little girl teenage bull that will blow over?
Toria has been upstairs in her room. I took her phone from her so that she did not continue to get phone calls. Toria does not want to share the details with me. So what do I do?
I want to try and show her (and I did mention it to her) that she should ignore the girls and that she does not need friends like this. I am not sure I am doing the right thing here.
HELP!
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
First off, I think that you need to walk through this with Toria, and help her understand how important that it is that SHE finds the courage to make a difference.
Chances are, that when this finally blows over for her, that there will be another girl behind her that will receive the brunt of P's bullying.
That she has the power, and resources to help stop this from happening to another girl. And that means being brave.
Secondly, think about what you said above, that Toria spends time around this girl more when she is with her Mother.
I think that I would tell her, that you want to respect her privacy, however, if SHE doesn't come forward to her Mother, then you will tell her on her own.
There also tends to be a lot of drama when one deals with a teenage girl. Try to dig for some more details, as much as we try to protect and turn a blind eye to our little princesses, she could very well be an instigator too. And crying Wolf because the tides turned on her this time.
Approach it cautiously, and thoroughly. But you do have to approach it.
Find your facts, and approach her Mother with only the facts.
Maybe schedule a conference with you, her, and the school counselor ???
That may work best....
Either way, her Mother needs to know. Now whether or not she chooses to do anything about it ? You can't worry about that one buddy...
Highly Experience Mother of two daughters here (19 and 11):
Love this! Ask Toria which friends stick by her through thick and thin--remind her that these are the "real" friends to keep. Then, ask about going to a movie or having one over.
Quote:
maybe take some of her close girlfriends who aren't involved in the craziness to the movies or something, just to remind her she's got good friends and these are the ones she wants in her life.
I would gently ask Toria about what was said. Tell her, no matter how embarrassing, it's important you know the whole truth. It's probably pretty harsh if she came down crying.
Usually, I use the staying home from school as leverage. "I can't allow you to miss school unless I know exactly what happened." Remember this for next time...But, say something like, "I allowed you to stay home. I could see you were really upset. I'm so proud of you for coming to me, but I need some details. I'm worried about you."
Push, prod, use leverage, buy her a new outfit, take away the phone until she reveals. You need to know because, sadly, in today's world, the information could be about all kinds of sicko stuff--think graphic and really hurtful. If this P is bullying your daughter, the school needs to know and they need details to make things right.
Next, I ALWAYS ask who do you sit with at lunch. When do you run into P? And, this is when you lay down the law. No P while Toria is with you. She is now off limits. P has crossed some boundary and you need to focus on other friends. Make a plan.
What will you do tomorrow at school in whatever class you have together? Who is in that class that you feel safe around? Sit by that person. Assigned seats? How can you handle yourself? Make a plan.
Lunch, can you sit with other kids?
And, finally, I'd call the school and tell the guidance counselor. Yes, it could make things worse for Toria in the short term. But, most schools have zero tolerance and she needs to see that you won't tolerate someone crossing her boundaries and abusing her. This is abuse and needs to be treated as such.
Obviously, if this is a simple pre-teen friend tiff, then, she needs to handle it. But, for a kid to want to stay home and break down in tears, I say get the whole story. Someway, somehow.
Ahhh, parenting teens, let the fun begin!!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
My daughter is 15 and I have gone through and continue to go through these things as well.
I have the same relationship with my EX-w as you. Basically none and am fine with that.
I don't agree you need to tell your ex-w. I think you need to be a rock for your daughter, sometimes just listening, sometimes maybe a little input,sometimes teaching a little DB and validating to her to help her deal with people. This has worked for me and my daughter comes to me often and we discuss it.
The more she understood that I wouldn't try to fix things the more open she is. Girls at that age are brutal. Also understand your daughter may have been involved more than what she let on.
I think how you deal with her will help her deal with the other girls. My daughter has made the comment that she has learned much from watching me interact with her mother right after Bomb day and that it has helped her. They know way more and learn more than what you think.
