I know it's hard to take all of this in and assimilate it. Sometimes when you don't know what to do, it's best to do nothing and wait for the answers. It's probably too soon to really get a good grasp on what's going on. The answers about WhY and How will come with time and the way becomes more and more clear.
Right now, focus on your daughter and making sure her needs are met.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I don't mean to depress you. But I'm sure KML and my post were upsetting. I'm trying to clarify things for you, not make them worse.
I say "run from him" partly b/c you are not married. Not that he doesn't matter. Not that the r does not matter. But since he's not her dad, the R was fairly short--3 years-- and he's such a jerk about no contact, and he HAS a history of dishonesty (as it turns out), that cumulatively, I don't see him drastically changing anytime soon, if ever. So...Where does that leave you?
That^^ is how I'd sum up your situation atm.
Is your job going well enough? Can you make it on your salary now?
I am glad to hear you are near your d's school. I have 2 d's and the single thing they MOST wanted to know in the middle of our marital crisis, was IF we were going to have to move.
When I said "No more OR if we have one, it'll be close by", they were visibly relieved.
My MC/IC said to stress to kids what will NOT CHANGE in Their lives with a split.
I think having the Same school, same friends, same areas as before, is pretty darn good. If the only thing missing or changed, is WAP absence, That would be very good.
Meanwhile you'll know you did your best in a lousy situation. Is there any legal recourse you can have there? Have you seen a solicitor or barrister there?
It would be worth a call at least.
Keep on keeping on. I know this hurts but the faster you get thru this and to the other side, the better for you both. But the only way thru this is THROUGH it. You have to process a lot of conflicting events/words.
Sorry you are here but it's a great place to be, for a lousy reason.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Listen , you haven't made me depressed!! Nor upset!! What your posts HAVE done is wake me up to an alternative that I needed to face. So I need to thank you for it. What I haven't done in all of this is attend, in any real and important way, to WAP's HISTORY. I knew it was there but somehow did not connect what is happening now to what has happened with him before. I have fought SO HARD to be with my D. During my divorce I fought extremely hard against my ex-H - she is my absolute priority in my life. There is nothing that is more important than her welfare and well being. I have found out apartment that is literally two houses form her school gate (you can see her school buildings from or sitting room window). the only potential drawback is that it is round the corner from WAP's house. But I had to bite the bullet if I wanted her close to her school. It is an area that she loves and knows. That is the trade off for keeping things consistent and safe and secure for her. That is something I just need to deal with.... My job is fine - my boss has been AMAZING. I have been on sick leave for four weeks and he has given me the option to work from home for the this week) next week is mid term break) - so my work have been completely understanding of this process. I am very lucky that I am valued in my job. Mind you I have worked extremely hard and I have a very strong work ethic which is probably why they have been happy to support me. I rang my boss from Australia once i received BD email and he got it straight away....he is a father himself.... I do have legal recourse as we lived with him for longer than two years. However I don't want that route. I have removed our things. We have our place and we are safe and secure here. There is nothing left to fight for... Despite being absolutely broken apart by this with the help of friends I have managed to get us into our new place lock stock and barrel in a month. D has been at school bar one day when she had a very bad cold. I do feel as if I have done my best for us. I have been extremely practical on a lot of fronts. I redirected our mail 3 weeks ago (that shocked WAP)...so I guess I am very efficient when I need to be... I want to move through - I hate being in this much pain - I hate the fact that I put my soul and my heart and my trust in a man who has the propensity top do this to myself and my child regardless of whether it is MLC or not... His deletion/no contact with us and the affair has been the worst part of all of this. Thank you for your support x
What I haven't done in all of this is attend, in any real and important way, to WAP's HISTORY. I knew it was there but somehow did not connect what is happening now to what has happened with him before.
THIS is what I was getting at!
Now - don't go beating yourself up any. You've done a great job of taking care of yourself and your daughter. Congratulations on having gotten yourself this good job, and on being able to care for yourself. I know it must be demoralizing to have pinned your hopes on this fellow and then have him blow up in such a spectacular way, but it may turn out to be a blessing that it happened now and not much later.
Good things to do right now:
1) Make a budget and plan for your independent financial future. Check out the MrMoneyMustache blog for inspiration.
2) Plan for stress reduction - whatever works for you. Whether it's running, a nightly bubble bath, yoga, meditation - whatever works for you, schedule it into your week. Make it a priority.
3) Get a makeover - new haircut, color, makeup? Something to make you feel sassy and new.
4) Get some support - whether counseling or a 12 step group or some such - to figure out if there's something about why YOU picked these guys. Even when THEY are clearly in the wrong - there may be something about YOUR radar that you didn't pick it up. It would be good to address this. (I have a friend, for instance, who inevitably picks men who are alcoholics or ex-alcoholics. Give her a room of 20 men, let her pick one out on sight alone who she finds attractive- guarantee you she will pick out the alcoholic. And me - for the first few years after my divorce, I was attracted to men who turned out to be Love Avoidants; of course, what was really happening was that I really didn't want to get too close after being burned in my divorce, so I felt kinda "safe" with them.)
What NOT to do right now - ruminate on the ex, try to read his mind, wonder about what he's doing, obsess about him - all GIGANTIC wastes of time. If he comes crawling back later, THEN you can decide whether you want him back. But I'm guessing once you get a little distance, you're going to start to make sense of some things and realize he's not the one for you. You deserve better.
What I haven't done in all of this is attend, in any real and important way, to WAP's HISTORY. I knew it was there but somehow did not connect what is happening now to what has happened with him before.
THIS is what I was getting at!
Now - don't go beating yourself up any. You've done a great job of taking care of yourself and your daughter. Congratulations on having gotten yourself this good job, and on being able to care for yourself. I know it must be demoralizing to have pinned your hopes on this fellow and then have him blow up in such a spectacular way, but it may turn out to be a blessing that it happened now and not much later.
Good things to do right now:
1) Make a budget and plan for your independent financial future. Check out the MrMoneyMustache blog for inspiration.
2) Plan for stress reduction - whatever works for you. Whether it's running, a nightly bubble bath, yoga, meditation - whatever works for you, schedule it into your week. Make it a priority.
3) Get a makeover - new haircut, color, makeup? Something to make you feel sassy and new.
4) Get some support - whether counseling or a 12 step group or some such - to figure out if there's something about why YOU picked these guys. Even when THEY are clearly in the wrong - there may be something about YOUR radar that you didn't pick it up. It would be good to address this. (I have a friend, for instance, who inevitably picks men who are alcoholics or ex-alcoholics. Give her a room of 20 men, let her pick one out on sight alone who she finds attractive- guarantee you she will pick out the alcoholic. And me - for the first few years after my divorce, I was attracted to men who turned out to be Love Avoidants; of course, what was really happening was that I really didn't want to get too close after being burned in my divorce, so I felt kinda "safe" with them.)
What NOT to do right now - ruminate on the ex, try to read his mind, wonder about what he's doing, obsess about him - all GIGANTIC wastes of time. If he comes crawling back later, THEN you can decide whether you want him back. But I'm guessing once you get a little distance, you're going to start to make sense of some things and realize he's not the one for you. You deserve better.
WHAT KML JUST SAID^^^^...and fwiw, this may sound superficial but bear with me. I love perfume, and wonderful scents bring me a lot of emotional connection.
So when my h left, I bought two new scents I really loved but had not worn around h.
For some reason when I'd wear it, it made me feel like the "new" me in my new life, and it did Not serve as a reminder of anything negative.
When you eat meals, try to eat your favorite (and relatively healthy...) food, to Enjoy it, and force yourself to take naps or mentally to rest, and work out and get sleep and just, COMFORT and SOOTHE, yourself.
Keep on keeping on...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you both - I really do appreciate your kind words. I thought I would look at a few positives that I have done for myself (and D) today/
- I finally completed the moving of all the important items that we have into the storage centre. It is now a load off my mind that that is done. Even though it was hard seeing all of our gear loaded up into a tiny space I am reminded of just how much I have successfully dealt with in the last six weeks....) - I bought some nice shower gel and a had a long shower and painted my nails - I bought some healthy veg and am going to make a stir fry for us tonight - I went to Mass today ( the first time in this city for 2 and a half years) - I introduced myself to the parish priest and I have registered D and I now in the parish. I have also made an appointment to speak with him in confidence early next week...
Interestingly the homily today referred to the parable re "no external force can make a person "unclean". A persons "uncleanliness" (Adultery, fornication, theft, deceit etc etc etc) comes from within that person.No matter what spin they put on it. I was sitting quietly in prayer after Mass thinking about this. This is a lesson we could all learn from when WAS our blaming us for their depression (n my case) etc etc etc
I know not everyone is religious here but I am learning to lean on God more and more every day.
I don't know how I ma going to do it but I have a growing sense that I just want to be the best person I can be - for both myself and my D.
Thank you for caring - its not easy every minute of the day (this morning I was crying) but I am trying to move ahead.. x
A makeover would be good - I will try and look into that. We have some friends nearby but not a huge amount. I have tried over the last few years to make friends and I am usually a very sociable person - however we spent a lot of time with WAP and his two sons who also live locally (we haven't heard a peep from them at all) so it is lonely. I am trying not to burden my friends with my grief. Today - I feel as if I have a huge knot or ball inside me - it is heavy and sore. Am struggling - sorry everyone:( x
