Perspective - The Reality of the Trip

[RealityTrip]

I think it's natural for us to assume the other shoe will drop. Sometimes it is our gut telling us something is off... other times it's our own fears speaking so loudly to convince us that it is a guarantee and we need to flee the situation....

Dead on. Pretty much the stuff I'm sorting through internally now.

We must validate our own fears however be completely aware that how we express those fears impacts our relationships with others.

I am very aware. And you are right. So much of what you said is relevant to my current emotional waves. I'm glad you stopped by! So, my "other shoe dropping" fear. Here we go:

She's not communicating to "my satisfaction." I've got questions that I have wanted answers to from square one and she's not ready to give them, or simply doesn't have them yet. I don't know.

So as we move along at the agonizing snail pace of whatever it is we are doing, I get aggravated, I get fidgity, and then I feel fear. Which I am recognizing is because I am not in control and have lost focus a bit of mastering that bad habit.

It's tough. I am trying to figure out how to balance my self-care and nurturing with that of paying attention to my W and our relationship... And I haven't figured out how much is too much and where I am lacking. And because I don't have a clear and definitive plan for this stage of my relationship, I am allowing fears to run away with me because I don't feel like I know what I am doing.

Where are the 37 rules for when they WAS comes back to the home? I need those. My map. I feel like I'm out on the road without a map. And all of that translates into this giant "oh no! She's going to bail again. She doesn't really love me. Hurry up and get it over with before I am too invested again and you hurt me more than I am ready to take, " monologue in my head.

That monologue then begins to over-analyze every action or in-action, every word spoken or unsaid by my W and fuels the self-generated fear.

I've been hurt. You all understand. So my control monster thinks..."I didn't see it coming...the first "shoe", so... "I'll see the second one coming, if it does, but only if I am in control. And then... I won't be hurt as deeply as before."

And this is all my problem. Nothing has happened for me to come to this point, other than me.

I'm afraid to trust my W with my heart... and there you have it.

For the record, I've just been using "As If" in situations where I'm unsure or uncomfortable. Like when she is quiet, "As If", when she is pensive, "As If", when she is whatever that doesn't seem to involve me or I'm not invited into her processing... I am trying to be "As-If" and giving her space within our space. I really don't know what else to do.