Barrybran III - New job, new life?

[Lostforwords]

"As much as things suck between my wife and I at the moment" - Do they really suck? I would think about this statement B.....Sounds almost like old B might be sneaking out of the woods.

Parents - I hate to say this B....but you may need to start DB'ing the parents LOL. I like that you are bringing the babysitter in regardless of the parents being there. The faster they move on, the faster your actions match what your wife asked you. You two need the room....and while your parents are there.....the room to grow will be very limited.

Letting her own her feelings B......You are doing good. Remember that you are there for her, but you are not going to fix her issues. She needs to deal with them herself.

[Barrybran]

Haha, I wish I could DB my parents. My Dad is the most stubborn person I know. It's just easier to accept what he says and walk away. I've basically done that since I was 17. They'll be gone soon so I won't have to worry about it. My wife and I will be able to set the house up the way we want and hopefully, she'll develop some comfort with me again.

When my wife and I were discussing the babysitting situation this afternoon, she asked "what's up with the flowers?" I replied that she'd had a crappy night and morning and I thought it would perk her up (it didn't; she had a terrible day) and returned to the conversation we were having without mentioning the flowers again. We were talking as we prepared dinner and she spilled about her day. She was extremely tired and just wanted to unwind for the day. As we were talking she wound up thanking me for the flowers, saying they were beautiful and prepping them properly in a vase. I don't know how sincere she was but her thanking me when she really wasn't in the mood is another example of small, yet significant ways in which she's changed how she talks to me.

I'm contemplating taking my wife out on Friday night, Valentine's Day. Not as a romantic gesture but as a "V-Day means nothing to us this year but we're still married and I'd like to hang out with you instead of watching TV at home with my parents and the kids" thing. I'll check my thoughts again over the next couple of days and find what my motivations are. It's a process that seems to be working for myself lately; that is, decide why I want to do something and if it's for me instead of my wife, I shelve it, and if it's for my wife, I go ahead. I have a gift for my wife, this one planned, though it's nothing major. Just a couple of things she showed interest in and nothing personal. I checked my feelings on this too and decided the same about the gift as the proposed dinner on Friday; that she's still my wife and though the day means very little to us this year I'd like to show appreciation for my wife still being around regardless of what she thinks about it.

Tomorrow is another work day followed by the gym so my day will be quite full. I have a day off Thursday although I'll be with my daughters so it's not really a day off :p

[Barrybran]

Haha, I wish I could DB my parents. My Dad is the most stubborn person I know. It's just easier to accept what he says and walk away. I've basically done that since I was 17. They'll be gone soon so I won't have to worry about it. My wife and I will be able to set the house up the way we want and hopefully, she'll develop some comfort with me again.

When my wife and I were discussing the babysitting situation this afternoon, she asked "what's up with the flowers?" I replied that she'd had a crappy night and morning and I thought it would perk her up (it didn't; she had a terrible day) and returned to the conversation we were having without mentioning the flowers again. We were talking as we prepared dinner and she spilled about her day. She was extremely tired and just wanted to unwind for the day. As we were talking she wound up thanking me for the flowers, saying they were beautiful and prepping them properly in a vase. I don't know how sincere she was but her thanking me when she really wasn't in the mood is another example of small, yet significant ways in which she's changed how she talks to me.

I'm contemplating taking my wife out on Friday night, Valentine's Day. Not as a romantic gesture but as a "V-Day means nothing to us this year but we're still married and I'd like to hang out with you instead of watching TV at home with my parents and the kids" thing. I'll check my thoughts again over the next couple of days and find what my motivations are. It's a process that seems to be working for myself lately; that is, decide why I want to do something and if it's for me instead of my wife, I shelve it, and if it's for my wife, I go ahead. I have a gift for my wife, this one planned, though it's nothing major. Just a couple of things she showed interest in and nothing personal. I checked my feelings on this too and decided the same about the gift as the proposed dinner on Friday; that she's still my wife and though the day means very little to us this year I'd like to show appreciation for my wife still being around regardless of what she thinks about it.

Tomorrow is another work day followed by the gym so my day will be quite full. I have a day off Thursday although I'll be with my daughters so it's not really a day off :p

[Lostforwords]

Good baby steps B....Except for the second similar statement in two days. Two statements that should resound in you of the old thoughts...old behaviors....the very mentality that got you here.

Find those statements in your posts!!

I will give you a hint....A pessimist see's the glass as half empty and the optimist sees the same glass as half full.

Change how you see things B....Reality is based upon perception. Change your perception and you change your world.

[Barrybran]

Nah, you've lost me LFW. I reread and I can't find anything.

[Barrybran]

"As much as things suck between my wife and I at the moment" - Do they really suck? I would think about this statement B.....Sounds almost like old B might be sneaking out of the woods.

Well, my situation is not where I want it to be. Not having a proper relationship with my wife does suck. Sure, I'm my own man and I'll be fine without her but between your and my posts I feel pretty good about the interdependent concept. That's what I want and anything less than that is undesirable.

[Lostforwords]

B,

Multiple times over the last few days you have stated that currently the marriage "s@cks"....also ""V-Day means nothing to us this year but we're still married and I'd like to hang out with you instead of watching TV at home with my parents and the kids".....and almost let's go through the motions type statement.

First B, your marriage does not suck. I bet that if you made a list of things that could be better and a list of things that could be worse.....That you would have A LOT more entries on the worse list. See a lot of life is defined by your perceptions and mentality....If you continue to say over and over again that something "s@cks", eventually depression and resentment take over and things will really start to "s@ck". Even if they don't...Does that make sense? How you view the world will be what is becomes.

So how would a stronger man look at.....He might say "Things are good in my marriage, but I am working towards making them better". Now correct me if I am wrong, but I think you are saying that same thing but using the word "s@ck". So you are saying basically the same thing, but from a different point of perception. Change you perception and you will change your world.

See B....A lot of life is accepting that the current situation isn't exactly where you want to be, but knowing that tomorrow will be better. Accepting the moment as it is, knowing the end will be better. Our world is so defined by how we look at things...I am now a very optimistic and proactive person, while I used to be very reactive and pessimistic. I will say that I have some very rough days. I accept that these days will happen, but I don't focus on them. I look forward knowing that tomorrow will be better as long as I do all the right things through the tough times today. Because I do this...things never "s@ck", they just challenge me for a brief minute before I move on with my life...making it better one day at a time.

So you now have a goal...Interdependent relationship with your wife....I like that

[Barrybran]

Fair enough. Makes sense. I didn't see it that way. "Suck" is no doubt the wrong word but a realistic view is that things should be a lot better. I'll work on that. The V-Day idea though was more about acknowledging to my wife where we're at and doing something different. We haven't made a deal of V-Day before and whilst this year is the worst time to do something about it is also the best time to do something about it, if for no other reason than I've taken action. That part want meant to come off as negative.

I wound up giving my wife her V-Day gifts yesterday. She came into the second living room and wanted to play Wii. We'd been playing Mario Bros and she'd had enough of it. She made mention of wanting a new game. She also mentioned she needed to get a book. I decided that was about as good a timing as any, headed off to our room and came back with a game and a book. I didn't say what they were for and all she asked me was when I bought them but we played the game for a while together.

I have a day off today. I probably won't get much done because I need to up. I'm not used to work movements yet.

[Barrybran]

So much for a productive day. I thought I'd slept better than I had but I've been shattered all day. I'm not used to being on my feet for entire work shifts and I've just done the basics today. It's felt good having a day off from work rather than days off being the norm. It feels like I've earned a rest day. I would have liked to have gone to the gym but I really haven't felt like it today. I'll see how I feel after work tomorrow and hopefully I'll go then.

I had an interesting experience at the shops this afternoon. I was planning to buy my wife's favourite chocolates with her game and book for V-Day just because I know she likes those chocolates. Having given the game and book to her last night and reading some threads today I felt that between that and the flowers the chocolates might have been a bit much for the week. I went down to the shops to grab some things with the kids and going through the confectionary aisle to get bread (thanks supermarkets!) I picked up chocolates without thinking about it. No plan, no idea, it just wound up in my trolley and off I went and I didn't really notice until further down the aisle.

It might seem strange but I feel good about this. It's something I've done with her in mind for her and not for me. If she likes it, great. If not, well, I'm a chocoholic so I'll eat them! Usually I think and think and wind up procrastinating to the point of doing nothing. Today, instead, I was just going about my business shopping for my family and grabbed something for my wife without thought. I usually fare well when I do spur of the moment things so I feel good about myself for this, regardless of how she takes it when she finds them.

[Lostforwords]

Changes are good B....Very good. I actually liked that you gave her the gifts early. Without a doubt she realizes they are V-day gifts, but since you gave them early...No real pressure on her.